What was everyone's reason(s) for starting an A???

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2011
What was everyone's reason(s) for starting an A???
12
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 10:22pm

I read so much here about labeling A's down to "low self-esteem" or "no self-love".

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Hey LM3D,

Why don't you start by explaining your reason for starting an A?

It's good to pose the question, it's better start by sharing your answer.

MPV
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2011

The reason I didn't say it because than I know it will turn into a ME post and everyone will be analyzing my answer rather than answering my question. I am curious to know what everyone else's reasons are and then I will tell mine, which by the way I did say on the board here once and was chewed up for it. Once again it turned into a "You have low self-esteem" is why you started your A.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2011
I'll bite

I got into my A because I wanted attention and applause and approval and validation of worth - he was my first love 25 + years ago, and he filled the need I had to fill my emo and ego tanks - because I was incapable of doing it myself. I'd lived my whole life that way - letting others decide my worth. Don't confuse that with a low-self esteem. I'm good looking, financially secure, good at what I do in my career, but my 20 year marriage lacked the support or attention I was seeking - so I made the poor choice to seek it elsewhere.

A year later - (9 months NC) and I can give myself the Approval, applause, and attention I want - and I'm perfectly capable of filling my own emo tanks. I feel more at peace than I ever have - and I come back to remember what it was like so I never do it again - and to give back where I can.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2011

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2011

Thank you Lolly for your response.

My reasons was lacking passion in my M, I felt bored, and I fell in love with xMM. My H has NOTHING to do with any of my choices either. he is actually a better lover in bed than my xMM, but I felt no passion in the sex with H. And now my M is close to being sexless.

I had a very good childhood, great and loving parents, didn't do drugs, don't smoke, don't drink, never been molested, no one is an alcoholic, never been beaten, I get constant attention from men even when I look like I just woke up from bed, so it was never about low self-esteem when I have ton of it. College educated, successful, speak 3 languages, I have a fantastic child whom we raise with a ton of love, love my 3 dogs, have a house, and the American dream.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2011
Decade~Thanks for your response. Your last paragraph hit the nail on its head.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2010
I ask myself this question every single day?? I was probably at the lowest point of my life a year ago, my marriage was more like a roommate situation, DH was strung out on pills, had a family tragedy that brought me to my knees and I just felt lost, disconnected and broken. I think I was searching for anything and everything to offer me comfort, acceptance, validation and some sort of attention..


Unfortunately, I found that in an AP who was searching for those same things.. Talk about an effed up, enmeshed situation.. AP and I tried very hard to break things off for about 6 months but when your so addicted to a person its hard to sober up on your drug of choice unless you make drastic changes in your life..

For me, I used some principles that I learned in AA and Alanon.. For a drug addict to be successful in their recovery, they must change their playgrounds and playmates.. So I worked on doing the same.. Not only have I cut off contact with AP, I've also cut contact with all of our mutual friends.. Friends that had no clue about me and AP.. I figured the less chance I had of hearing AP's name, seeing him in photos on friends FB pages or running into him at a party the better the chance for me to stay on the straight and narrow..

Is this drastic.. Perhaps.. But right now even hearing AP's name is very unsettling and dangerous for me. I I was not in love with my AP but I did care for him deeply. I lost so much from this A.. My. Friendship with AP and the rest of our crowd, my dignity, self respect, and myself.. All for some validation and approval from someone else..

I'm not even close to being healed and I cannot afford a therapist, however that's no excuse for me not to do the work myself.. The way I see it, I can talk to a therapist all day long but at the end of the day if I don't go home and do the work on myself, then a therapist is a waste of time and money..
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2011
WAM - :P A fellow AA member here who also applied 12step principles to clean up things - and recovery is SO much the same. ((Hugs))
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2011
Well, some of my reasons are the same as others have mentioned: my M was in the toilet. H had betrayed me multiple times (not PA, but pornography addiction and other lies). Sex and intimacy was non-existent and I honestly believed our M was over. I didn't think he would even care if I pursued an A. Why I thought two wrongs would make a right however is beyond me...I just wanted to feel attractive and wanted again. MY xAP definitely filled that gap for me and truth be told, I miss him. I still don't know where my M will end up ultimately - we are trying to work on things for the first time in years - but I will never choose to do something to another human being that is so deceitful, disrespectful, and humiliating. No matter what my H has done to me, he didn't deserve this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2011
Whatamess...Thank you for your reply. I can relay to many things you said in your post. Your M feeling more like roommates now and you are right, for me it's also hard to even be in places where I know xMM and I have been to. I agree about the therapy sessions too. It's draining me financially, even though it's covered under my insurance but I still have to pay a co-pay and that still adds up.

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