what was i thinking?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
what was i thinking?
10
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 10:48am
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Edited 11/1/2004 9:45 am ET ET by shay48
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 11:36am
Shay,

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So if your husband is wonderful, why dont you feel like you love him anymore? Sometimes we get bored and we think because of that we dont love our H anymore. My 2 cents is you should really figure out if you are just bored and were looking for a bit of excitement which you obviously found from the OM or is there hope in rekindling your marriage.

It sounds to me that this OM is not very nice...and you said it yourself "he only wanted you for sex, broke your heart and doesnt care"....so why would you allow anyone to do that to you???

Is he worth losing your wonderful husband?

Sometimes I think women lack the amount of self respect that we owe ourselves. I think OM is not very respectful of you.

JMHO

Wishing you well...I personally think that if you continue this you will experience alot more heart ache.

Dipss



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 1:32pm
Survey complete


Edited 11/1/2004 9:46 am ET ET by shay48
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 5:37pm
hi there Shay--

We all feel or have felt the same pain you are experiencing. It's hard at first, but it gets better. Have you taken the time to read through all the threads of conversation on this board? I think that will help you quite a bit -- it will give you insights and it will show you that others have recovered from what you are experiencing. There are also many helpful hints :-)

Hang in there and stay strong!

Meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 8:25pm
Shay

Your never going to know how you really feel about your husband while you continue to have anything to do with this USER, and a USER is what he is, there is no love or careing involved her on his part, your an EGO boost it is as simple as that and a booty call on the phone and in person.

If you boot this User out of you life and concentrate on your husband I am willing to bet pretty soon you will discover that you love him a lot more then you think you do.

It is time to go TOTAL NO CONTACT AND TO ENFORCE IT, call you phone company and have calls from all of his phone numbers block, block his e-mails delete him from your address book if you IM remove him from your buddy list, if you retain any e-mails, voice mails or IMs delete them.

He is not going to give you your real life back your going to have to decide to take it back, you owe this USER NOTHING AT ALL.

Jmho

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 9:31pm
"I guess it's a self-esteem thing - loving someone and being rejected, is never easy. I am attractive and get compliments from men all the time. So why am I beating myself up over this one. H loves me.why isn't that enough?"

Shay...I feel the same way. And you're right, rejection is NEVER easy. I believe that's one reason I had such a hard time after the breakup w/my exMM, esp. in the beginning. I was like.."I'm prettier, smarter, skinnier, more sophisticated than his W, why wouldn't he choose me?" Well, he didn't...and it wasn't b/c I am not all those things. He had a kid and a long-term relationship...I couldn't compete with that. And if he didn't want me, why would I want him? I deserve better, and so do you.

I was bored, plain and simple. Wanted some excitement. Wanted to shake things up. Well, I went at it in the entirely incorrect manner. And I could've lost my wonderful H b/c of it.

Don't get me wrong, I have issues w/my H. But who doesn't? There's no such thing as a perfect marriage. But my H loves me unconditionally, and would do anything for me...two things exMM was incapable of. I have a good life, and almost blew it.

Yes, I miss exMM still. Despite the wrongness of it all, we DID have a connection. Its hard for me not to talk to him. I wonder how he's doing every day. But the way he left me, I am still angry too. He treated me very poorly at the end. Despite that, I am still getting over him.

The best thing has been NC. Yes I did break it once, but I regret it in a way. Also found out he called my apartment about a week ago, though he didn't leave a message. I have resisted contacting him even though he might be receptive...and its been SO hard.

But why start it up again? We have no future. That's what I have to keep reminding myself. If I call him, all it will do is undo the healing I've worked so hard to acheive in the past 7 weeks.

Take it day by day. Focus on YOU, your life, your H, your family. What he does, no longer matters. Its going to hurt, a lot. But it WILL get easier, I promise you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 9:26am
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Edited 11/1/2004 9:48 am ET ET by shay48
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 9:35am
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Edited 11/1/2004 9:48 am ET ET by shay48
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Sun, 10-17-2004 - 10:05am
Shay

I am someone in your husbands shoes.. I am the wife of someone who is having an emotional A and only wish he was reading these boards to get the advice you are getting. I printed out an article from this board called The Emotional cost of infidelity and its really helpful .. helps me understand what my H is going through and somehow I need to get him to read it. It would help you too. Right now there is something you are feeling you need from your marriage that you are not getting and that is what you should try to focus on. If you had passion then that passionate love is there and can be rekindled in a different way. You need to work on it. Read read read. There are many books out there that help put things in perspective, Not Just Friends by Shirly Glass is great for how to heal from an A, and she goes into how and why this stuff happens. There is another book, Whats Love Got to Do with It and other lies about Marriage.. by John Jacobs.. Its a down to earth look at marriage and our expectations and how we become dissatisfied because we are unrealistic.. its really great it putting things in perspective. Also, if you can afford to get into counseling it will be extremely helpful .. a therapist will not judge what you are doing or have done, they are there to help you figure out why. Why if you are so beautiful and attractive and hear that from others do you feel you need to get this from this man.. most likely it has something to do with self esteem issues going back to childhood.. I understand that fully. Your H loves you and if he is a wonderful man he deserves to be treated with love and respect back. You may not even realize it but I would bet he is aware something is going on..I knew for a year and my H thinks he is hiding his feelings so well. He still has not admitted it even in the face of much evidence. It so hurts me and I love him so much.. I see he is blinded by this OW and these strong intense emotional feelings that he is giving it all to her and I am getting nothing right now. Belive me I know and if you and your H are connected he knows too. It sounds like you are on the road to doing the right thing and I pray my H will do so too. Its hard for you and its hard for everyone involved. GOod luck.. I think you will work it out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Sun, 10-17-2004 - 11:45am
Shay,

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I, too, have had these feelings. My XMM used to egg me on by saying things to me when we were trying to be "friends". We would be having a normal conversation, I would be talking about a guy I am interested in (he would give me advice on such subjects...it was kinda weird, but we wanted to be normal and friends again) and then he would tell me how sick it makes him feel about picturing me with someone else and how selfish he knows it is but he couldn't help it. This would immediately throw me back into old feelings and then I would go back to telling him how I felt about him....THEN he would go off on me about how I'm "never ever going to give this up" with him...HE STARTED IT back up with his comments regarding jealousy and then all the sudden I'm the one who is never going to let go?! One time I asked him to lunch and he said it was a "bad idea". Less then a week later he says...how about we go to lunch...."just me and you"...See a pattern here?

It is not your fault. You've done nothing wrong (in the respect of the context of your message). You are merely responding to being called "amazing" (which I also was called, BTW).



In order to let go of all the headache and the wondering and the maddening double standards, read what all the others have done.....NO CONTACT! YOU be the one to initiate it (I did it out of the blue with no warning to him). It is DEVASTATING when it is the XMM or OM that initiates the NC....so YOU DO IT FIRST. I AM SERIOUS ABOUT THIS. It is hard but it is so worth it, your peace of mind is just the tip of the iceberg of the benefits of NC.

I work with my XMM but he works in another city, and I see you work with yours but he is in another state....you and I are lucky that we have the blessing of the distance. I, unfortunately have to deal with my XMM on a work level but I have kept it all work related and not even a "have a nice day"...PURELY WORK! If you too have to deal with this man on a professional level the best advice...SOME of the best advice, I should say, that I have gotten off of this board is to act like the A never happened if you need to deal with this man at work.

You and I are lucky but you are even more lucky then me because you have someone to go home to. I don't. I am divorced with 3 kids who I only see half the time. I am often alone. I don't have an H to do things with, to love me, etc. It is even more difficult to break free from the A addiction when you are alone, I would think.

So anyway, more power to you and I hope the best for you. You can do it! It gets better....promise!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 1:14am

Hello Shay –

Please read my entire message and do not get discouraged with the beginning.

Let’s get one thing straight. You are making yourself the victim. You are NOT the victim. You were both to blame for this affair. Your H and your children are the victims. You used the OM just like he used you maybe not for sex but for other reasons. This was a very selfish act by both of you. If you are pathetic because you loved someone and he broke your heart and doesn’t care about breaking your heart then what about your husbands heart? Sounds like you love your H and lust for the OM. I think a wife should only lust for her H. What did your wonderful H do that was so bad that you had to do this to him? If he was cheating or abusive I could some what understand, but with your messages I would say he was not like that. Is there any chance that you or the OM are looking for jobs outside of the company you work for? Maybe you should if he isn’t

What is the big draw to this OM? When was the last time you were “with“ the OM? Was the sex that good or did he just show you the attention you were wanting. On that point if the sex is that much better then with your H I ask you if you and your H went to any counseling or if you talked about each others wants and desires (not just yours) to satisfy each other physically and emotionally? As far as counseling I believe that money is no object when a marriage is at stake. You say that you fulfilled the OM fantasies, but did you ever ask your H about his and did you fulfill them? And did you tell your H yours?

Your H probably has a good idea that something is going on but is staying true to your trust and I believe you should stay true to your H and drop ALL contact except for the business calls. If the calls deviate one letter from business just hang up the phone. When he calls you at home hang up. When he calls you on your cell don’t answer it. When he leaves messages or emails and they are not business related then delete ASAP. If he even begins to get the words out of his mouth to meet him you need to hang up FAST. Do not give him a chance to try anything. There is NO caving in. If you have a question for him find someone else to ask or if you have to make business contact with him send a short and to the point email. A small suggestion, when he calls you and you get knocked down a notch call your H and tell him how wonderful he and your children are to you. Your conversation with your H should kick you up a notch and maybe raise you another notch. You should ignore this OM like he does not exist in anyway except for work purpose like any of the other people you may work with. Your H obviously loves you and if he knows something is going on then you need to clear the past with yourself. From others experiences I tell you to only clear with yourself, maybe through prayer, because you do not need to bring this up with your H. If he knows then he does not want to know from you he just wants the nightmare to be over and his wife unconditionally devoted to him. Don’t blow this opportunity with your H. Most people do not get another chance. Put this in the past and draw the line. Dive head first into your H, and if he is as wonderful as you say he is, and you communicate with him your H will meet your level of needs better than you thought this OM could have ever accomplished.

I do pray and I will be praying for you, your H, and your children that you will draw the line and end this affair completely. I await your response.

Sorry for any incorrect grammar I sometimes ramble.

Family First
Tejo