What was your dealbreaker?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
What was your dealbreaker?
36
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 2:09pm

When Sillyme said in a post to me "make no mistake he's had sex with his wife", I thought I was going to throw up. I've been told that he hasn't touched her for years and years, but I'm sure it's a lie - he probably has, and lied to me about it. I know this makes no sense at all but the thought of that - of him cheating on me - is a dealbreaker.

I'm on Day 5 because MM made love to me, told me he would take care of things and then dropped the bomb 2 days later that he was leaving on vacation with his family. What a joke.

I'm just wondering what the dealbreaker was for everyone - what made you finally end your A?

Bodhi

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 2:45pm

There were several things that led

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2009
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 3:06pm

there were many straws...many things that SHOULD have been dealbreakers.


I gave him $1200 dollars once.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 3:18pm

I know this makes no sense at all but the thought of that - of him cheating on me - is a dealbreaker.


Yep, that sounds really ridiculous. A MM cheating on his girlfriend??? I've read some of your posts and him going away seems to have given you an ah-ha moment where you are facing the reality of he's actually M. That elephant in the room he goes home to every night is his W and maybe a man who will cheat on his W will lie to his mistress afterall (now that's a thought). He will return from his trip with his W and call you and tell you that he missed you soooo much and try to tear your clothes off because poor MM didn't get any lovin' while he was on vacation with the mean ole W. Don't fall for it. Use this time while he is away with his W (the person he promised to cherish and love in front of everyone else and not just in a secret place) to realize that this is not a healthy relationship for you. You had no way to verify that he wasn't sleeping with his W but yet you believed him. You took him at his word because you thought you were giving him something sooo special that he couldn't have been his W also - WRONG. You actually get sick when you think about him sleeping with the woman he is M to?? That is really self-entitlement. He has every right to sleep with his W.


Do you really think a man is going to go away with his W and never touch her? (shaking head)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 3:31pm

Thank you for sharing Jane - I didn't mean to make you sad. I'm so glad to know that there are people like you that have not only survived, but have blossomed.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 3:35pm

mwjbto - wow, good for you for not giving him any more money and getting out. :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 3:47pm

mmamb,


<<>


It took me a long time to realize just how duped I was regarding exactly what you wrote above. For years I got the "We live like brother and sister, sleep in separate bedrooms, and she hasn't let me touch her in the last 10 years. Stupid, naive, little ol'me bought it hook, line, and sinker. I realize now I bought it because

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 3:54pm

<<>>>

I know it does, that's why I said it makes no sense. And I know because there is a legal piece of paper that exists, that he has every right to have sex with his W anytime he wants to.

<<>>

I don't plan to.

<<>>

One day at a time. Trust me, I only blame myself for everything I'm feeling right now.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 4:23pm

Like most said there was a succession of events and the totality of them is what really brought down the house of cards.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 5:56pm

bodhi-

My xAP cheated on me too. And, it sounds ridiculous when I say it. Really it's kind of embarrassing.

My xAP is single. My H travels a lot, so I got to spend a lot of time with my xAP. After being together for over 3 years, he moved away to a far away place to take a new job. He was nervous and scared about moving, but I encouraged him to give it a go. He promised me that he would be back in 3 months, maybe 6 months at the most. He cried, I cried. For the first two months, we talked on the phone every day, and I could tell that his life was changing. For the better. He was happy there. I didn't want to believe that he could be happy without me. The sweet "I miss you" emails and texts stopped and the phone calls went from every day to every other day to every couple of days. He started posting on FB - which he hardly ever did before - about how happy he is. I figured out that he had started seeing someone new. I didn't want to believe it. But I knew. I had to let him go. So, I sent him a text telling him that I knew about her, and that I'm done.

And I never heard a word from him - no response - nothing.

It was very painful to let go of the fantasy life (lie) that I created. I truly convinced myself that one day he and I would be together. I realize now that if I was that easy to replace, he never loved me the way he said he did. He held on to me as long as he did because I refused to let go of him.

Anyway, here I am, almost 10 weeks of NC - at all - and things are looking up for me.

Thank you to all of my friends on this board, there's no way I would be at this place today had it not been for your words of strength and wisdom.

-Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 6:05pm

It's uncanny how much my story parallels Jane's.

Pages