What was your dealbreaker?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
What was your dealbreaker?
36
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 2:09pm

When Sillyme said in a post to me "make no mistake he's had sex with his wife", I thought I was going to throw up. I've been told that he hasn't touched her for years and years, but I'm sure it's a lie - he probably has, and lied to me about it. I know this makes no sense at all but the thought of that - of him cheating on me - is a dealbreaker.

I'm on Day 5 because MM made love to me, told me he would take care of things and then dropped the bomb 2 days later that he was leaving on vacation with his family. What a joke.

I'm just wondering what the dealbreaker was for everyone - what made you finally end your A?

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 6:59pm

Thank you everyone for sharing your "final straws". I really appreciate this board and everyone here. I came home from work early today and hung out with my kids. Cell phone has been off since 3:00 and I don't have any desire right now to even turn it on. Yay :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 7:48pm

there were many little incidents that lead me toward finally walking away. I didn't leave at the first sign of 'trouble'; instead I started to plan my escape months before he knew it was coming. I was silently gathering up enough strength & courage to leave. There were many many things he did/didn't do that hurt me very deeply - but the one thing he said that cut the deepest was that he couldn't believe that I told my H about the A because it meant that we separated and that our kids would then have to share time between the two of us. That feeling of him judging my parenting was too much for me - especially as he had admitted to drinking and driving with his child. It was the beginning of the end. Of all the things he did, calling my mothering into question was the most damaging. Somehow framing himself as a better parent for continuing the A in secrecy still blows my mind away. Head shaking.

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2009
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 8:35pm

my dealbreaker?
xap lied to me. shocking, huh?
willing suspension of disbelief allowed me to believe for two years that he and his wife lived "like roommates" (ohmygod how funny is it now to hear how many of us on this board were told this AND believed it!!)that he "wasn't a player" and that i was his "one and only." well, friends and neighbors, they didn't, he was, and i wasn't. :)
once it was irrefutably in front of me that he was lying to me, everything was shot. the fantasy bubble burst like the rancid fart it really was. there was no turning back. the rest is history. thank God.

at the time, it was a horrendous and hurtful thing.
now i see it as salvation.

lillie

silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 1:01am

I cannot think of one single dealbreaker - there were many. In the 4 years I saw many red flags but ignored them. In time they all piled up and I no longer could stomach the roller coaster rides. Bottom line he was not who I made him out to be. He was not the perfect man I had on a pedestal for over 30 years.

He loved to irritate people and took pleasure in their hurt or pain. He did this to me many times but there were 2 occasions his behavior really hurt me and I let him have it. Beside his cheapness, his sloppy dress, his quirky personality and many other little issues, the one thing that always kept haunting me time after time was I was truly an option in this man's life. When every email's opening line was "I'm swamped", I began to feel like I didn't matter and I was just on his checkoff list. I jumped through fires and hoops to see him every 6 weeks. I lied through my teeth to see him. I paid for everything. I put my family and my marriage at risk - for what? A man who took advantage of my generosity, a man who made fun of me, a man who used me to stroke his own ego. It took a 3 day crying binge and a hard look in the mirror that woke me up. I had been trying for months to let him go, to wean him off me. Of course that didn't work, but in the end realizing what a pathetic woman I had become, knocked me back in the real world. Thank God that reflection in the mirror scared the crap out of me. I don't ever want to see her again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 7:41am
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 8:29am

My deal breaker happened when I woke the hell up and looked around my life and saw everything that I stood to lose...


A wonderful loving husband,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 9:24am

Yah, what about all those deal breakers that should have been but weren't?! I cry when I think of all of them that I ignored or dismissed because I didn't want to lose my cake. I paid too high a price for what the A was selling, but I didn't see that clearly until my A was over. Some of you might remember my story that X and I broke up on good terms, mutually agreed and without rancor. He was ending it, and I went along nicely because I didn't see anyway of keeping it going, honestly. I would have stayed in the A, if possible. (have to go throw up now.) I'm telling this because I want all the newbie ladies out there who were dumped or their A's ended before they had their own firm resolve to bolster them that the fog clears and it won't be long before you are SO thankful the A ended, even if it wasn't on your terms. does that make sense?

Deal breakers that got past me:
He wouldn't promise me exclusivity.
He admitted that he'd 'made out' with two random groupies on the road, and (get this) blamed it on me. ha.
He went m.i.a. twice, once for three days, once for 8, because he was in a tiff over something I did (wore a dress that was too sexy to a rock concert, is an example.)
He could not 'forgive' me for a small infraction early on in our R and I put up with ranting, railing, rage everytime he'd have a meltdown over it.
He was selfish and egotistical and insecure.
He could be very mean, spiteful and childishly emotional.

Oh, Gosh. the list goes on and on.

makes me sick.
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 10:30am

Deal Breaker - there wasn't one from xAP until his wife found out. Weird huh? I knew his schedule was busy, so was mine and was satisfied with 'pieces' of him until we would be together and this went on for two years. Two years of texts, ph calls, a few meetings but no sex...thought we would be wait.

I had gotten my financial house in order, met with attorney about D and then the last six weeks of A, he kept saying he wished the A was out in the open, tired of lying, wanted us to be together. T said that was a sign he wanted the A to be over, not his marriage. I guess she was right because when W found out, he threw me under the bus, lied about everything, tucked his tale between his legs and went back to her. Yeah, I guess that is a pretty good deal breaker.

MovingON

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 10:33am

"I'm telling this because I want all the newbie ladies out there who were dumped or their A's ended before they had their own firm resolve to bolster them that the fog clears and it won't be long before you are SO thankful the A ended, even if it wasn't on your terms. does that make sense?"

Yes, that makes sense. Thanks for putting it that way and it helped a lot!!!

MovingON

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2010
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 11:15am

What a great thread.....I love this one! I am new here, never posted before on this board and I have been NC for 2 weeks today, I work with my XAP and my A went on for nearly 2 years.


It is actually really interesting really, because like you all have pretty well said, there have been many "straws" to break the camels back and that the last straw maybe wasn't that significant in comparison to some other "straws" that should have already broke the back.....but it goes to show that last and final straw didn't have to be that "bad" because of ALL we've been through with these jerks....


What did it for me was we got into a fight and a few days later I sent an email to him that was pretty sexual, flirty and fun.....and all at the same time PRAISING HIM about his performance ...... just how I missed him and no matter what he/our relationship always leaves me wanting more EVENTUALLY and he emailed me back telling me he felt sorry for my H that he deserves better then me and to NOT send him an email like that again...............OMG....YES LADIES......I was like.....WTF seriously?!?!?! Just the day before that (and several days prior) he was staring at me, ALL of me, specific body parts on me......so I felt it was "okay" to send this email to him.....not to mention we had been on and off for nearly 2 YEARS!


It hit me then and there this SOB does NOT deserve me and I had a serious moment of WTF are you doing and WHY are you risking your marriage?!?!?!?! NO MAN is worth risking my marriage over especially this douche.


I slept on it (what all he said/emailed to me) and the next day emailed him telling him exactly what I thought, and let me just say it felt GREAT!! I've never been "mean" to him, I've never "insulted him" I've only been good to him and polite, not this time. It has been 2 weeks today and not one word has been spoken between us and it is a HUGE relief!!


Also, I'm back to where I need to be; focusing on my husband, my marriage, my family and not some dumb guy who could care less about me.


God is good and I'm glad I am back to this place.