What was your dealbreaker?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
What was your dealbreaker?
36
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 2:09pm

When Sillyme said in a post to me "make no mistake he's had sex with his wife", I thought I was going to throw up. I've been told that he hasn't touched her for years and years, but I'm sure it's a lie - he probably has, and lied to me about it. I know this makes no sense at all but the thought of that - of him cheating on me - is a dealbreaker.

I'm on Day 5 because MM made love to me, told me he would take care of things and then dropped the bomb 2 days later that he was leaving on vacation with his family. What a joke.

I'm just wondering what the dealbreaker was for everyone - what made you finally end your A?

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 11:25am

Hmm - good point Alice, the things we should have noticed.

One that I recognized, but let it go. We were meeting out of town like we always did. I had the hotel, he was in town for the heck of it. It was a planned 3 day "shopping trip" for me. My H and DD were also included in the plans. I knew I only had 1 night alone. I explained my situation to xAP and told him we could only see each other that night. I asked him to please follow my rules and leave early the next morning. He did. But on the 3rd day, he called and lashed out at me for not making a big enough effort. For not squeezing him in the few hours I had alone while H and DD were not around the hotel. I couldn't believe his gall for somehow making all this my fault. He went on and on how he flew down just to see me. (BS, he wanted to take care of his DD's school business) He said I should have kept him informed of my free hours. But he also had other plans and I felt I couldn't interfere with those. He later told me he would have canceled everything to see me if only for 30 minutes. WTF !! We had just spent the night together and he's jumping down my throat for not squeezing in more time with him!! Never mind my H and DD were in and out of the hotel and I had no clue who might be where and when. Unreal. It was one of the first times I ever told him to shut up and that he was dead wrong. But I still didn't notice the red flag, I let it go. He was the only person in my life that was that rude. I wasn't used to being bullied and being disrespected. Learned my lesson.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 12:21pm

There are more deal breakers that didn't break the deal that I can even remember right now, but

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 1:31pm

Late in adding my delightful expierences that drove me to the end and there are just so many but I will highlight a few....


1. My son had sugery (as many of you know) and used a walker and wheel chair for over a month. I mentioned to XMM how it was breaking my heart watching him struggle and Xmm's response was "I know what you mean, try watching a 16 yr old try to learn how to use the controls on her new car." I was stunned, he was comparing his entitled daughter to a young child with a chronic disease.


2. I bought his oldest daughter a thoughtful graduation gift and gave it to him with instruction to give it to her FROM him so he could take the credit. Towards the end, XMM was at a college basketball game that I was at with my kids. He came over to say hello, sat with us for a bit and my kids wanted a snack. I gave them $5 and he said he would walk them over to the snack booth. Both kids came back with candy. But do you think XMM could have paid for their candy??? Nope, he makes a 6 figure salary and cant fork over $5 for candy for 2 little kids when I went above and beyond for him.


3. The one thing that made me STOP and look at what I had lowered my self to was when XMM had "too much on his plate" and couldnt meet up one afternoon. I had been wasting time till we could meet up when I should have been going home and spending time with my kids. I didnt believe him when he said he was busy so I drove past his office to make sure his car was there. I cried the whole drive there and back because I couldnt belive I was so strung out on him that I was stalking him. I never did actually look in his parking lot, I couldnt bring myself to look because I didnt want to face the reason he wasnt at work (either didnt want to see me or was seeing someone else).


I had sunk so low that the only way out, was up. I had to move forward and the only way I could do that was to let go. Now that I look back, there wasnt anything to even hang on to but I sure tried. I hate who I became during my A and I am trying everyday to be the woman I know I am...strong, smart, funny, and a devoted wife and mother.


GMLB

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 2:38pm

WOW - these are all so good to read. I'm feeling a little low on Day 6 here, so it's good to reinforce that I'm doing the right thing. Everyone's stories are all so similar in nature.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2009
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 1:41pm

This is/was my deal breaker and a warning to all (very abreviated):


A few days ago I went out w/ XAP to discuss our A and to make a stand for what I wanted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Sat, 06-26-2010 - 2:20am
Sounds to me like he just didn't want to get soiled by your little nearly dying problem. What a creep.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sun, 06-27-2010 - 4:03am

GMLB:

Your #2 reminded me of something... is it not amazing how much we give to xMM but yet they put in so little for us? Does it ever make you think (because I think of this) that although he gave so little to me, and never bought me anything, that he goes above & beyond for his wife?

I mean...for me xMM and I went to a pizza parlor for lunch one day and they had a lunch special for $2.50. He wasn't hungry, of course, so I got myself a slice of pizza. When it came down to paying...he grabbed a newspaper and walked away, leaving me alone to pay. He could not even fork out $2.50 to pay for me!

...also, he never really bought me any gifts, other than giving me his wife's ex, used gifts (including but not limited to, stuffed animals, camera, lingerie, and dildo)...EWWW!!!!! I found that out from his wife.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009


No Contact = No New Hurts


Silence is Golden; Silence is Dignified; Silence speaks volumes.



Remember: Out of sight, out of mind.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sun, 06-27-2010 - 9:47am

llost,


<< is it not amazing how much we give to xMM but yet they put in so little for us?>>


What's so amazing about it? After all, their families are their priorities and being that it's just an A,

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Sun, 06-27-2010 - 10:38am
lost, Iddy is right on target. It's the expectations that create the angst and drama in an affair. BTDT. You expect one behavior and you get another. When you don't get what you want, you do something else and that has expectations tied to it. It's all one big rolling ball. Collecting and growing with expectations along the way. You have in your mind what you expect and often the xAP has something totally opposite.
Your xAP not paying is his way of saying "we are not together". I figured this one out after 4 years of my xAP never, ever paying. Just like Iddy pointed out, you are not his W or priority. It's hard for us to accept that, because we expect to mean more to them, but we are not more. We are/were just someone on the side.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sun, 06-27-2010 - 6:09pm

Yup, I know... I finally "get it" and I keep thinking, "Lost, you're a smart pretty girl... you know better than this, why in God's name did you stoop so low?" When you're out of the fog you think much more clearly.

Although, I have to say that what our xAP's did was insensitive and cold hearted. I would never treat another human being the way xAP treated me. I don't think we "deserved" to be played, lied to, or manipulated. The same way the wife doesn't deserve to be lied to and cheated on. Just because I give my heart to the wrong person, doesn't mean I deserve to get it trampled on.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009


No Contact = No New Hurts


Silence is Golden; Silence is Dignified; Silence speaks volumes.



Remember: Out of sight, out of mind.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N