What was your dealbreaker?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
What was your dealbreaker?
36
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 2:09pm

When Sillyme said in a post to me "make no mistake he's had sex with his wife", I thought I was going to throw up. I've been told that he hasn't touched her for years and years, but I'm sure it's a lie - he probably has, and lied to me about it. I know this makes no sense at all but the thought of that - of him cheating on me - is a dealbreaker.

I'm on Day 5 because MM made love to me, told me he would take care of things and then dropped the bomb 2 days later that he was leaving on vacation with his family. What a joke.

I'm just wondering what the dealbreaker was for everyone - what made you finally end your A?

Bodhi

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Mon, 06-28-2010 - 9:54am
Iddy is right on target as usual. We did deserve to be treated as second class because we put ourselves in a position of second class. The moment we entered into an A with a MM or stayed in an A after finding out he was M we were telling him that we will hide out in a small corner of his life and be handed whatever little crumbs he throws us. Meanwhile we will do backflips trying to satisfy him and degrade ourselves knowing that he has committed himself to someone else in a M. We deserved whatever he gave us because we made a choice to stay in a forbidden relationship. I know that's a hard pill to swallow but it's true.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 8:26pm

Why_ask_why,


I agree, to a certain extent.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 8:53am

What you are saying would also apply to wife's who repeatly get cheated on but they remain married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 9:08am

A frequent reader of my blog posted something to me that really changed my perspective. Maybe this will help you as much as it helped me.


I posted: If I want to hate him, I have to hate me. And that’s just not healthy. In the early days of no contact, I wanted to hate him. I prayed that I’d wake up and hate him. But I never did and never will. If I want to hate him, I have to hate me. What we did, we did together. To move forward I have to forgive him and myself. I get closer each day. And looking back a year, I know that one year from now it will all be different. I will be different. I will be better


And a reader responded: I find this strange to read after so much self-reflection. Your statement is only true as a generalization. I’m not saying that you aren’t responsible for the choices you made. I’m only saying that just because the result looked the same, doesn’t mean your methods or intentions were the same. He built the game in his favor and then he played it in a way that insured its existence.


He chose you because you displayed a sense of passion. He chose you because as a friend, your guard was already down. He chose you because you were married and therefore your relationship would have to remain a secret. He kept things light; full of laughter and compliments until he felt a connection developing. Little by little he spoke of the lack of passion in his marriage to play on your mothering instinct and your emotional side. He tested the waters to see if he received the desired response while keeping it vague enough that he could always deny it if he didn’t. Once the relationship kicked off, he talked about the future to string you along, but never took any action or made any real commitments. When you ended it, he didn’t contact you because he believed you would be back.


His game began long before you knew you were a player. You are definitely NOT the same.


Let’s just say these are the steps to follow to have a successful affair with a woman. The idea that “we are in this together” not only increases the passion. It also secures the confusion and helps maintain the guilt when things finally end. Your generalization is the result of one simple (yet very powerful) statement played throughout the affair.


It is important that you know you are not the same type of person as he is.


Hugs,


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 2:38pm

We were talking about who deserves what... that's what we were discussing.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 4:28pm
llost and why,
I want y'all to quit this now.
Dee

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