What we all have in common

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
What we all have in common
20
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 2:58pm
1) we must all have a tremendous capacity to love and be loved

2) we must all be interesting, funny, resourceful and fun (otherwise who would want us?)

3) we must all be reasonably attractive in order for XMM, MM, etc. to even risk their marriages and lives just to be near us

4) we must all have strong values and ethics otherwise we wouldn't be here trying to sort all of this out

5) we must all be smart, as we managed, somehow, to find this board

6) we must all be lovers, dreamers and romantics

7) we must all have had gaps and emptiness we felt we didn't deserve in our marriages

8) we must all be committed as we continue, day after day, to work thru one of the most exhilirating, challenging, lovely and difficult times in our lives.

I fantasize that someday we can all meet somewhere--mid country--like Kansas for a conference. Can you imagine what an amazing group of women we must be? Can you imagine that the talking and hugging and crying would never stop.

Thank you to all of you. You helped me thru this last summer and also this spring.

xoxo

Clarice

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 4:31pm
Clarice, my apologies for upsetting you. Perhaps self-esteem was a poor choice of words. Perhaps I should have said self-worth because we all know that being a mistress is not the healthiest of relationships because the reality is that the relationship is based in fantasy land (meaning it can't see the day of light).

Please know that I more then TOTALLY understand what your home situation has been and is like b/c I'm living your same life for over 20 years! xMM made me aware of things within me that I thought were long dead.

Have things improved any for you recently? What are your long term goals within your marriage? I'm just sticking around (living like strangers) until our children finish school.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 5:48pm
I wasn't upset. Sorry i seemed to be. It did start me thinking about my self esteem. I do have a strong sense of myself, but i just don't seem to have the strength to not stop thinking about the A--and i think that is because it was the first time in a long, long time i felt loved by another man.

I have promised our marriage therapist to wait it out until June to see what happens. I have found some piece in not having to come up with a decision about my marriage right now. I do feel, however, that i cannot not see my chidlren everyday, so i will probably stick this out until my boys go to schools (a whopping 10 years from now!). Oh. i can't believe i wrote that. I just don't konw what i am going to do--but i am taking a vacation from trying to figure it out--at least until June.

Thank you for your post caring4me. It made me stop and think a bit.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 7:57pm
I liked your original post, but what (if anything) do you think the wives of the MM who cheat have in common?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 10:40pm
Clarice honey, PLEASE, PLEASE don't wait 10 years! After your June promise to the counselor if things don't DRASTICALLY start to change within months (maximum ONE year) please talk to an attorney! Take it from someone who not only tried to single-handedly fix a bad marriage but someone that truly tried everything with the thought that maybe tomorrow, next week, next month or next year, things will be different....A loveless, emotionless, touchless marriage requires DRASTIC work from both spouses!

What I have learned from 20+ years of living in a marriage like yours is that the love from my children is just not enough to keep me alive...I need and want so much more and you will also. Staying in marriages like ours isn't living, it's going through the motions of life! Life is too short to just go through it without being happy, fulfilled and having all we can.

I only have one year left but if I could go back 10 years, I would have saved myself a lot of misery! I wish I would have had the internet 10 years ago b/c from the experiences of others, I would have learned there was no hope to change my H.

Please, PLEASE don't wait 10 years!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 7:58am
That's an interesting question. If i take all the complaints my XMM told me about his wife, i would say:

1) they seem disinterested in the marriage

2) they are not interested in sex

3) they make their husbands feel small (he used to say "i feel like Mr. WIFE'S NAME"

4) they are not spontaneous

5) they don't seem to appreciate whatever it was that made them love their Hs to begin with

6) they are busy and preoccupied with work and children

7) they are unsupportive of their Hs dreams and goals (if they even know them)

As I think of others I will post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 8:26am
I most WHOLE HEARTEDLY AGREE with caring4me. Waiting 10 years will lead to bitterness. You'll watch life pass you by...and as time goes on, you will become angry and jaded when you see others with better marriages, anger at young couples, anger at old couples...because that is what YOU want and is NOT what you have. And more importantly, what messages would you be giving to your children? Yeah...stay in a loveless marriage, existing as roommates, if that. You'll begin to whither on the vine. Start asking around and paying attention more to older women who have stayed in a loveless marriage. Once you begin to talk to them, TRUST ME, you'll be flying out the door. Many people say "oh, that won't be me..." but it slowly chinks away at your soul...and before you know it--10-15 years have gone by and you have BECOME like that. And after 10 more years, many women adopt the attitude "why leave now? Heck I've been here this long".

And staying in a loveless marriage will ALWAYS leave you susceptible to an affair--because your needs are going unmet. All it will take is someone to be something that your h is not...and boom! its off and running again. (but hopefully, this experience will provide some protection against future involvement---but time does fade one's memory)

I've stayed in a marriage for about 15 years BECAUSE of the kids---and of course, my situation is a little different from yours--but let me tell you...it DOESN'T benefit the kids. They SEE IT ALL and they run the risk of having the same marriage that you do. Do you want that for your kids? I finally realized that I want BETTER for my kids--I do not want them to tolerate the crap that I have for so long---they deserve so much more.

Of course, if there is ANY hope of the marriage being salvaged...of course, do so. Despite what I wrote above....I AM an advocate of trying everything to keep the marriage together. But your h needs to acknowledge and accept responsibility for his non-participation in the marriage. And if he DOES NOT, there is nothing you can do to change him. Both of you need to come to table and acknowledge the damage done (not that you have to admit your affair).

JMHO

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 9:26am
The scary thing is, I think my husband would say those qualitiews applied to me during my a. I don't claim to be the greatest person in the world but the one thing that this A taught me is that it takes two to make a marriage work. I also learne that you can't make a bad situation better by adding another stressful situation.

I lacked the interest to really see what i had in front of me. My H is a great man and i am falling in love with him all over again. I feel horrible about the way i treated OM- the false promises, the ending realization that i needed to get my sh..t straight.

I am not in the norm because though my H has his faults, they are no more than my own.

What i learned about myself from this expreience: I am not alone, I am loved and i can love, unconditionally.


Edited 3/30/2004 10:32 am ET ET by chrissywags

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 9:40am
I have to answer this...

In all honesty I think the biggest (and perhaps only) thing they have in common is the kind of man they married. I think the choice to be unfaithful lies completely within the unfaithful spouse - its a cop out to say you were pushed there. We all could have left our marriages first or worked things out at home rather than making this choice.

Some men who cheat on their wives (and vice versa) claim they have a completely happy marriage (just want variety), some are lacking something, but what marriage isn't? Some are downright unhappy at home, but unwilling to leave. There is a variety of reasons that people cheat, but I have to say that those reasons all lie within us - they are not external.

I'm really working on taking responsibility for what has happened in my life, and although the break down of a relationship takes 2, and I feel very justified in saying the problems in my marriage are a result of both of us - I feel I can't blame the cheating on anyone but myself. For so long I did that. I actually felt that it was the constant persual of OM that kept me in it, or the lack of love from my husband - but I won't kid myself anymore. It was my own denial of reality, love of fantasy, and lack of character that kept me in it. I feel untill I face that I won't get past it.

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 9:46am
Have you ever thought of promising yourself that you won't make a decision till you are over the affair? While that is on your mind, it is so hard to work on a marriage. I have found that with OM not around, my feelings start changing - I'm willing to put so much more into the relationship than I would or could when I was thinking of someone else and truly wishing I was with them.

Maybe if you put everything into getting over the affair as Step 1 and then working on your marriage as Step 2 and then lastly making your life decisions as Step 3 you'll be able to at least feel you sorted it out with a clear mind. The percentage of people who leave their spouse because of an affair and later regret it is huge. What does that tell us? Affairs cloud our vision.

Good luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 1:06pm
That's funny, that's how I was with my H. Except I was interested in the marriage until I decided to leave it. And I was ALWAYS spontaneous (but H was not). I always did appreciate my H's "gifts" but after a while I guess my needs changed and I wanted more, but even then (and now that we are divorcing) we can still appreciate certain aspects of our personalties. I was a little busy with my career goals, but for a few years I was the sole breadwinner in the household. And I was ALWAYS supportive of H pursuing his goals and dreams (he was--and still is-- very reluctant to put in the work to make things happen). So I guess in a way I was one of those "bad" wives. But my H wasn't the cheating type. He's a lot of things and lacks in a lot of ways, but loyalty was something he had. Oh, maybe complacency and shyness kept him from straying too. Funny.

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