What we all have in common
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What we all have in common
| Thu, 03-25-2004 - 2:58pm |
1) we must all have a tremendous capacity to love and be loved
2) we must all be interesting, funny, resourceful and fun (otherwise who would want us?)
3) we must all be reasonably attractive in order for XMM, MM, etc. to even risk their marriages and lives just to be near us
4) we must all have strong values and ethics otherwise we wouldn't be here trying to sort all of this out
5) we must all be smart, as we managed, somehow, to find this board
6) we must all be lovers, dreamers and romantics
7) we must all have had gaps and emptiness we felt we didn't deserve in our marriages
8) we must all be committed as we continue, day after day, to work thru one of the most exhilirating, challenging, lovely and difficult times in our lives.
2) we must all be interesting, funny, resourceful and fun (otherwise who would want us?)
3) we must all be reasonably attractive in order for XMM, MM, etc. to even risk their marriages and lives just to be near us
4) we must all have strong values and ethics otherwise we wouldn't be here trying to sort all of this out
5) we must all be smart, as we managed, somehow, to find this board
6) we must all be lovers, dreamers and romantics
7) we must all have had gaps and emptiness we felt we didn't deserve in our marriages
8) we must all be committed as we continue, day after day, to work thru one of the most exhilirating, challenging, lovely and difficult times in our lives.
I fantasize that someday we can all meet somewhere--mid country--like Kansas for a conference. Can you imagine what an amazing group of women we must be? Can you imagine that the talking and hugging and crying would never stop.
Thank you to all of you. You helped me thru this last summer and also this spring.
xoxo
Clarice

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Please know that I more then TOTALLY understand what your home situation has been and is like b/c I'm living your same life for over 20 years! xMM made me aware of things within me that I thought were long dead.
Have things improved any for you recently? What are your long term goals within your marriage? I'm just sticking around (living like strangers) until our children finish school.
I have promised our marriage therapist to wait it out until June to see what happens. I have found some piece in not having to come up with a decision about my marriage right now. I do feel, however, that i cannot not see my chidlren everyday, so i will probably stick this out until my boys go to schools (a whopping 10 years from now!). Oh. i can't believe i wrote that. I just don't konw what i am going to do--but i am taking a vacation from trying to figure it out--at least until June.
Thank you for your post caring4me. It made me stop and think a bit.
Clarice
What I have learned from 20+ years of living in a marriage like yours is that the love from my children is just not enough to keep me alive...I need and want so much more and you will also. Staying in marriages like ours isn't living, it's going through the motions of life! Life is too short to just go through it without being happy, fulfilled and having all we can.
I only have one year left but if I could go back 10 years, I would have saved myself a lot of misery! I wish I would have had the internet 10 years ago b/c from the experiences of others, I would have learned there was no hope to change my H.
Please, PLEASE don't wait 10 years!
1) they seem disinterested in the marriage
2) they are not interested in sex
3) they make their husbands feel small (he used to say "i feel like Mr. WIFE'S NAME"
4) they are not spontaneous
5) they don't seem to appreciate whatever it was that made them love their Hs to begin with
6) they are busy and preoccupied with work and children
7) they are unsupportive of their Hs dreams and goals (if they even know them)
As I think of others I will post.
And staying in a loveless marriage will ALWAYS leave you susceptible to an affair--because your needs are going unmet. All it will take is someone to be something that your h is not...and boom! its off and running again. (but hopefully, this experience will provide some protection against future involvement---but time does fade one's memory)
I've stayed in a marriage for about 15 years BECAUSE of the kids---and of course, my situation is a little different from yours--but let me tell you...it DOESN'T benefit the kids. They SEE IT ALL and they run the risk of having the same marriage that you do. Do you want that for your kids? I finally realized that I want BETTER for my kids--I do not want them to tolerate the crap that I have for so long---they deserve so much more.
Of course, if there is ANY hope of the marriage being salvaged...of course, do so. Despite what I wrote above....I AM an advocate of trying everything to keep the marriage together. But your h needs to acknowledge and accept responsibility for his non-participation in the marriage. And if he DOES NOT, there is nothing you can do to change him. Both of you need to come to table and acknowledge the damage done (not that you have to admit your affair).
JMHO
dharma
I lacked the interest to really see what i had in front of me. My H is a great man and i am falling in love with him all over again. I feel horrible about the way i treated OM- the false promises, the ending realization that i needed to get my sh..t straight.
I am not in the norm because though my H has his faults, they are no more than my own.
What i learned about myself from this expreience: I am not alone, I am loved and i can love, unconditionally.
Edited 3/30/2004 10:32 am ET ET by chrissywags
In all honesty I think the biggest (and perhaps only) thing they have in common is the kind of man they married. I think the choice to be unfaithful lies completely within the unfaithful spouse - its a cop out to say you were pushed there. We all could have left our marriages first or worked things out at home rather than making this choice.
Some men who cheat on their wives (and vice versa) claim they have a completely happy marriage (just want variety), some are lacking something, but what marriage isn't? Some are downright unhappy at home, but unwilling to leave. There is a variety of reasons that people cheat, but I have to say that those reasons all lie within us - they are not external.
I'm really working on taking responsibility for what has happened in my life, and although the break down of a relationship takes 2, and I feel very justified in saying the problems in my marriage are a result of both of us - I feel I can't blame the cheating on anyone but myself. For so long I did that. I actually felt that it was the constant persual of OM that kept me in it, or the lack of love from my husband - but I won't kid myself anymore. It was my own denial of reality, love of fantasy, and lack of character that kept me in it. I feel untill I face that I won't get past it.
Maybe if you put everything into getting over the affair as Step 1 and then working on your marriage as Step 2 and then lastly making your life decisions as Step 3 you'll be able to at least feel you sorted it out with a clear mind. The percentage of people who leave their spouse because of an affair and later regret it is huge. What does that tell us? Affairs cloud our vision.
Good luck to you!
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