What a week!

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
What a week!
15
Thu, 05-01-2003 - 5:46pm
First I'll start off by saying I know I was weak, but more importantly I was strong when it counted and learned SO MUCH!!

On Monday I broke down and emailed OM. Just a Hi, How are you message. I was feeling so low and just needed to hear something - the NC was killing me. At first he was angry - I guess because I had told him to stay away from me and I guess it appeared to him I was totally over him...Then once that part of the conversation ended he tried very, very hard to get together with me (very high pressure) which I resisted and then I got mad - or should I say MAD! Just over everything. Over all the hurt feelings, over the fact that he was coming on to me again despite all the pain it always caused. I was just so upset. Finally we (mostly him) apologized and we talked - then I lost it again - and we talked more. Anyway, then in the end I told him I just can't be near him (again) I have to stay away or one or both of us (or others) will be hurt again. Contact is not possible.

It probably sounds like I'm back where I was before the contact (if not further). But I'm not - I feel so much further ahead...

I learned:

- I can resist him (but its much, much easier to not be around him)

- That actually I didn't feel near the attraction to him I used to (maybe cause I know what it gets me)

- That he will always push to get his way rather than listen to what I want

- That he is sorry he hurt me and hearing him say that really felt good

- I also learned to let go a little more than I had before (HOWEVER, after emailing for a few days I can sure feel the pull to keep going and it will be a little tough to break that habit again - I know I can do it though)

We just seemed to end the talk on such better terms. There were still some things left unsaid, but there was a lot said that I'm glad got out. I don't know, maybe I should have been stronger, but I did stay true to my decisions, so I think I did OK. I think it will help a lot with my husband too, because I just didn't feel as much for OM this time and I think thats taught me that maybe I am being more realistic about him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: crystal_clr
Thu, 05-01-2003 - 6:23pm
Crystal,

I can't speak for anyone else, but I am happy for you. Obviously you felt some need to talk to him, and we have ALL slipped at one time or another and made some mistakes. But you can see the GOOD things here, all the wonderful progress you have made, and that is GREAT!!!

You said >> I don't know, maybe I should have been stronger, but I did stay true to my decisions, so I think I did OK. I think it will help a lot with my husband too, because I just didn't feel as much for OM this time and I think thats taught me that maybe I am being more realistic about him <<

You learned a lot from talking to him - not just about how strong you actually were (because we all know that resisting them is HARD, even if it does get easier with time), but also the REALITY of the situation. GOOD FOR YOU...

Hugs

Glinda

Avatar for stre2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: crystal_clr
Thu, 05-01-2003 - 10:40pm
Yes, you showed yourself that you are strong but at the same time, can you not see how you're playing with OM's heart?

You get upset because he wants to see you AFTER *you* made contact with him!

I'm sorry Crystal but in my book, being stronger and LEARNING from our mistakes means resisting temptation and it means we work on OURSELVES... Which should also mean letting OM/MM go to live their own lives. The fact that YOU needed to test yourself to see IF you could resist him makes me concerned for you!

Now that you do know that he's sorry for hurting you... can YOU let OM go to live his life?

Please don't think that I'm knocking you for breaking NC because I'm not, BTDT but the fact that you needed to hear something from OM does make me question how committed you are to your H and to working on your marriage. Having strength to resist temptation is tough but the rewards by far outweigh it... if you are truly committed to yourself and your marriage....

Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
In reply to: crystal_clr
Thu, 05-01-2003 - 11:05pm
crystal

I've been a lurker for several weeks and have been reading your posts. I feel your pain along with everyone elses. I am the MW who is ending an affair after a year with a single man. I should say "It has been dying a slow death". My single Om acts like the MM that I read about. I keep asking myself if I should've let him go several months ago when I realized we would never be anything more to each other. Rather than drudging through this letting go process for months. I sometimes feel like the breaking up is going to go on longer than the relationship itself. LOL.

I want too say that I think you did the right thing by emailing the other man because that is what you felt at that moment. I sometimes wonder about no contact. If I ended our relationship abruptly I would have always wondered if I gave up the LOML. Instead what has happened is we have gone back-n-forth both of us knowing its over but unable to let go. It has become tiring.

I'm sure if you kept talkng he would make you MAD more often than not! A person wrote a post once saying that one day you just wake up and don't care as much, or it doesn't hurt as much. That's what happened with me. You will continue to learn more everytime you talk to him. You said you learned so much today by talking to him and I truly believe you have. You said you didn't feel as much this time, now imagine having these conversations of not being able to be together over and over. Each time you feel less and less. That is eventually what would happen.

I believe affairs are doomed from the moment that the realization hits that the relationship would never be anything more. I still talk to my OM several times a week and this is all we talk about now. No more fun, passion or intimacy. Just stress, stress, and more stress! I miss who he was to me, who I wanted him to be, who I thought he was. Several months ago I would've let go of a different person than the one I know today.

I hope I got my point across. I'll definately have to practice expressing my feelings in written form. Can I ask you several questions? How long did your affair go on for? Does he live across the street from you? How's realationship with H? and aren't you going on a family vacation soon?

torn

Avatar for stre2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: crystal_clr
Thu, 05-01-2003 - 11:24pm
TORN... A question for you.............

Do you ever ask yourself HOW much longer you'll allow yourself to continue hurting? Once we know that a relationship is dying a slow death... don't you think you'd be healthier to just end it once and for all?

I do feel your pain and that of others here... what I posted to Crystal and am saying to you is in an effort to SAVE you from the pain that I endured for almost 5 long years.

It's OK to do things because they make us feel better... but eventually, we do need to realize that what we're doing IS the same thing and we're expecting different results... chances of those results being different are slim to none...

Hugs to you!

Sherry

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: crystal_clr
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 9:20am
I did learn those things, but I also was reminded that NC really is the best things for me. Its hard now to back away again. Next time I hope to be a little stronger. (A lot stronger)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
In reply to: crystal_clr
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 9:22am
Well, I guess everyone knows by now that I don't think "NC" is the only way, or the right way for everyone. It sounds to me like you gained a lot from this series of discussions. I don not think you were playing with his heart, you are only seeking resolution for yourself. It is not as though you were leading him on or making him believe that you were coming back - you were just talking.

I send xMM an email about once a week. After years of being together, we keep in touch about the rest of our lives and what is going on. It is hard just to not know about everything else (family, friends, work, etc.). I also let him know how I feel: this week I am angry at you, this week I am very sad.... I am not trying to tease him or torture him, but why should he be allowed to just walk away and not know what it did to me? People should know how their actions affect others.

The communication is getting less and less over the past few months. And this gradual decrease works for me better than just no contact. I bet that you will feel less and less need or desire to talk or write to him, but if you do feel the need, go ahead and write. Sometimes just getting it off your chest and out of your system is better than trying to supress it for years. Good luck!
Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: crystal_clr
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 9:26am
I guess if you look at it that way, the entire affair was playing with each others emotions, but believe me he's done 99% of the manipulation. I know there's pretty much no tolerance for breaking NC on this board, but I'm not a robot. I did my best. I'm still doing my best. I wasn't playing with him at all. I just missed him so much I couldn't stand not hearing just a little from him.

As for my marriage - I've said this over and over again. I do not feel I can put my all into it till I have OM out of my system. I'm working on that. I'm trying. (When you have a bad break-up, the last thing you want to do is date again) I have been trying with H, but untill I can really put my heart into it, its fake.

I'm sorry. Your message upsets me. I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying. I loved him. I wanted to spend my life with him. I'm sorry, but it is just not that easy for me.

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: crystal_clr
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 9:28am
I do know what you're saying. Basically it seems that many affairs are not allowed to die the natural death that other relationships seem to be able to have. Honestly, I see both sides of it. I know why I need NC, yet I needed to do this to.

Thanks for your post - I've often thought about that myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
In reply to: crystal_clr
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 9:53am
Hey Crystal, I hope today is a better day. I know you are a little sensitive about this topic, so I will try not to upset you more. I don't think Stre was trying to hurt you. She was giving you her best advice because she knows what you're going through and she's trying to help you make positive changes. Sometime it's hard to help someone. You want to tell them the HARD truth to get them to see things when in fact all they really want is a hug at that moment. I truly think she was trying to help because she cares. I don't think she was trying to upset you. I guess they call that tough love. Anyway, I hope your contact with om gave you the closure you needed. You said you wanted some questions answered which did happen. But you also said there were still more questions. Please be careful about getting caught up in wanting answers to all the questions. At some point it may do you good to accept the fact that there may always be unanswered questions about this relationship. If you spend too much time trying to figure it out, it just keeps you caught up in the very thing you are trying to escape.. and you said it yourself, you cannot focus on h while you have feelings for om. Carry om in your heart. He will always be special to you, and know that you are special to him. Can you try to put all that energy you are putting into figuring out om back into your marriage? If you are trying to rebuild and to get over om, then put 110 percent into your h. Don't wait for the feelings of love for your h to be there. Just act like you are in love. Do the things you would do if you were madly in love, and see if the feelings catch up. I'm not going to dog you for contacting om, but I know from experience that the contact gives you that little "high" you need -- it puts you on a little cloud and it fulfills you for awhile until it wears off. Then you find yourself needing it again. Just be careful sweetie. I know this is hard..... Alwayzzzzzz
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
In reply to: crystal_clr
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 10:29am
Please be careful with future contact Crystal. You're giving the guy mixed messages. First you told him to stay away from you and now here you are contacting him. I know it must be SO hard with him living across the street and at your church etc etc etc... I admire you for taking the steps youve already taken to distance yourself from him. And I'm glad you emphasized with him again that you can't be near him. And I'm glad you've learned what you've learned. Next time you feel the urge again, use the "visualization" techniques I told ya about... remember?... visualizing certain things.... lol.

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