What a week!
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|Thu, 05-01-2003 - 5:46pm|
On Monday I broke down and emailed OM. Just a Hi, How are you message. I was feeling so low and just needed to hear something - the NC was killing me. At first he was angry - I guess because I had told him to stay away from me and I guess it appeared to him I was totally over him...Then once that part of the conversation ended he tried very, very hard to get together with me (very high pressure) which I resisted and then I got mad - or should I say MAD! Just over everything. Over all the hurt feelings, over the fact that he was coming on to me again despite all the pain it always caused. I was just so upset. Finally we (mostly him) apologized and we talked - then I lost it again - and we talked more. Anyway, then in the end I told him I just can't be near him (again) I have to stay away or one or both of us (or others) will be hurt again. Contact is not possible.
It probably sounds like I'm back where I was before the contact (if not further). But I'm not - I feel so much further ahead...
- I can resist him (but its much, much easier to not be around him)
- That actually I didn't feel near the attraction to him I used to (maybe cause I know what it gets me)
- That he will always push to get his way rather than listen to what I want
- That he is sorry he hurt me and hearing him say that really felt good
- I also learned to let go a little more than I had before (HOWEVER, after emailing for a few days I can sure feel the pull to keep going and it will be a little tough to break that habit again - I know I can do it though)
We just seemed to end the talk on such better terms. There were still some things left unsaid, but there was a lot said that I'm glad got out. I don't know, maybe I should have been stronger, but I did stay true to my decisions, so I think I did OK. I think it will help a lot with my husband too, because I just didn't feel as much for OM this time and I think thats taught me that maybe I am being more realistic about him.