What were/are your 'moments'?
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| Tue, 01-26-2010 - 6:04pm |
Hey folks,
I think and reflect a lot. I think maybe part of what got me into this was how much 'I live inside my head' (which makes perfect sense given how much of this is fantasy based, especially if it's LD as we have to fill in a lot of the blanks with our thoughts), I'm always thinking, analyzing and 'living up there' (sometimes as a grad student, it's kind of my 'job'). Anyway, I was thinking in the past bit about some of the moments in the past where 'I knew' things wouldn't work out or that if he were single that I probably wouldn't want to be with him anyway. For the most part, we chose to ignore these moments though we get a bit of a 'pang' at the time, we rationalize and sweep them away.
So, I'll start with some of mine (and I'm sure that I'll think of more over time!)
The 'he probably won't leave' moments:
- Continued to invest/work on his cabin on a regular basis, all the while feeding me crumbs of hope of how 'bad things were' and 'how good of a chance there was for 'us'' (how could he possibly be planning an 'out' if he was doing this?)
- Bought a truck out of the blue (well, out of the blue to me. Fairly sure it must have been a join purchase)
- Spoke about his job as if it was a god-send, that it would be unbearable to ever walk away from
The 'signs' that I should have saw that he was 'not for me', and certainly not good for me
- Part of this is my own fault, but I put so much energy into 'being there for him' whenever he needed to vent, to 'share things', to talk, needed a shoulder. No matter when, I 'was there'. In turn...I got very little. I rationalized with 'well, he can't really...', but it was so easy for him to 'take' what I was giving...yet, nothing in return. Or, very little at least.
- For his birthday (the day of) I did some art for him, something very personal and related to an inside joke. On top of that, I'd seen him a week before his birthday and put much effort into 'the perfect gift', which he appeared to love. Anyway, talking on his bday and he sends me two emails: 1) didn't get a gift, cake, anything from W, then follows up with 2) 'Can you believe I'm not having sex on my birthday?!'....wow, talk about entitlement much?! Also, how insensitive is it to say that, while I sit here and pour my heart out, want to be with him so badly, and put effort in to something I shouldn't be...and he's bemoaning that fact to me as if I were 'one of his buddies'
- Had some emotional issues, drank as a coping mechanism. Sometimes a lot.
- It will be two weeks ago this Friday that we saw each other last, that visit things got physical and when I left I was having mixed feelings. I felt...wrenched out of some sort of context, I felt adrift, lost. When I expressed this to him, I got 'I feel the same'...and nothing more than that. Work got 'too busy', too stressful. I was falling apart, but it always got turned around into me helping him, me supporting and fixing his hurt. We were 'safe' as safe can be...but what if I did get pregnant? He told me at the time 'he would be there for me', and well...obviously not, since he didn't stick around to find out if I am or not.
It's weird...because I feel as though I love/loved him, and I wonder what it says of me to love a person like that. However, it's probably more the case that I loved the person I thought he was, the person he was when he said (what ended up to be) empty words, I loved the potential that was there. So, it was some sort of love...so it feels weird to 'speak ill of him', since I'm sure he's not 100% bad, just like I'm not either. 'Generally good people' who did a not so good thing. It's....confusing to get through, the 'good feelings' I have/had towards him as they fight it out with the hurt, some anger, and a whole load of confusion. But, thinking on these moments help me see that when it came down to it, he wasn't who I thought he was, or wanted him to be. Both a fault of him for putting up 'that front', and me for believing it and not seeing those signs. But then, that's what the fog hides, right?
I know that relatively speaking this A was 'short' (but intense...it's hard to get out of the habit of 20-something emails a day, texts, and at least an hr on the phone. Sigh. It's diverting my energy that is the hardest!) and I don't have quite the list that some might have. But still - Add your own if you'd like!

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Hey, wcfem...it will be two weeks for me this Friday also.
"I have to shake my head when I read things that say to "follow your heart"...all that ever got me was HEARTACHE."
Now now gabby, that is the post A blues talking. You will get through this and find someone who loves you for you and who will treat you with respect and show that you do matter. Use this time to focus on what lead you here in the first place. Focus on YOU. Like another poster said...keep reading the posts in this forum over and over and OVER again until you get it. Even though I am in a lot of pain right now, I know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am going to use this time to dig really deep and figure myself out. It is a good time because everything is on the surface. AND THEN, I am going to make DARN sure that I don't EVER do this to myself again!
Chin up girl! One day all of this won't matter anymore.
Sorry for high jacking the thread. I can't really list any moments right now because I am too miserable today. :(
Edited 1/26/2010 7:11 pm ET by kilowatt2010
wcfem I could have wrote your post ... i am hyper reflexive and I agree that it comes with the territory.
it's striking actually.
My situation feels a little different only in that I was
never expecting him to leave his spouse and I actually realized
from day 1 that I wouldn't want him for an exclusive partner regardless. He filled in gaps in my relationship with my H, but when that relationship ended as a consequence, I was able to more fully appreciate just how little I received in the A. Through-out the A I pushed those icky feelings down, buried them under denial. I actually grew to dislike how easily he could manipulate his partner, it became so unattractive, and I didn't care if the reason was to spend time with me. I almost had a panic attack once when I totally realized that the comforting speech he was giving me could equally be said to his W. I couldn't take that anymore ... the feeling of recycled conversations.
You can't unlearn insights.
Edited 1/26/2010 8:38 pm ET by jodi_09
All right...I've already talked
WC~
It's okay to reflect on signs and signals that we may have sensed, but conveniently overlooked so as to stay in the fog, but what's most important now is digging deep within yourself to uncover the reasons you chose to ignore those "moments" as you call them. I see it this way; someone was unavailable, and forgive me, but are you S or M because I'm not sure if you ever mentioned that? Anyway, it wouldn't be an A if someone wasn't already committed to another so.....those moments should be more about not what XMM did that were red flags, but what you didn't do to stop them from flapping, KWIM?
Just some food for thought,
~ Iddy~
~Iddy~
jodi_09, this is an excellent point and brought me out of my funk for a second to reminisce.
"I actually grew to dislike how easily he could manipulate his partner, it became so unattractive, and I didn't care if the reason was to spend time with me."
The last time I was with xAP we spent the night together and something happened that night that made me really begin questioning why I was there in the first place. He received a call from his W and ran out of the room in a panic to take it. I saw clearly for the first time that it was a terrible thing we were doing. I remember saying to myself, "wow, what a horrible way to live...sneaking around and having to lie to his spouse? And I am helping him do it!" I started to pull back after that night. Even went NC for a little bit after that. Then he contacted me again and after I decided I couldn't be a party to that situation anymore.
Edited 1/27/2010 1:37 am ET by kilowatt2010
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