What Would You Do?
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| Mon, 05-23-2005 - 11:13am |
Greetings board... Please forgive the cross posting, but I found multiple boards where I thought this message may apply.
I'm very much in need of advice and really don't know where else to turn... Here's some quick background... I was married for seven years, the wife had an affair and I divorced her. We share custody of our two children.
So now to my question... I've met a woman with whom I've fallen completely and totally in love. We both talk often about the way we feel and how neither of us has ever known love like this... But my apprehension is this... I never cheated on my wife while married and it's just something I know I would never do. My new girlfriend, however, had multiple affairs while married. She wasn't happy in her marriage and has a lot of scars from a less than pleasant childhood.
So now I'm torn as to what to do... I have never in my life met someone that I feel more compatible with... but I have this lingering fear that I'm setting myself up to be hurt. Never in a million years would I have thought that I would end up with someone who has done the same thing to someone else as my ex-wife did to me. And I think I can safely say that the devastation of divorce, especially with young children involved, is probably the toughest time I ever went through in my life.
My g/f lives with a lot of guilt and she didn't sit down and tell me "everything" until we had been seeing each other for about a month. At that point she said she needed me to know "everything" because she didn't want any secrets between us and that she didn't tell me right off the bat because she wanted me to get to see her for who she is and not judge her from her past... I can see the guilt she lives with and she cries about it often. I told her about my apprehension about getting involved with her and told her that I think she needs to see a counselor in order to better deal with this feelings of guilt. She agreed and has been going for several weeks now.
I guess what I want to know and what I'm asking everyone is... should I give someone a chance even though they've made mistakes? I know people aren't perfect and we've all done things we regret, but when it comes to infidelity, statistically does there tend to be a reoccurring pattern?
She says she's never met someone like me who wanted to get to know her and help her deal with her past... She says most guys have always been just looking for sex... I do care about her deeply and could see a future with her... she has a daughter the same age as one of my daughters and they are close friends.
I guess after being betrayed in marriage, I just don't want to set myself, or my kids, up to being hurt again, especially with someone with a known pattern of infidelity. I think I'd rather be alone and not get hurt than to love again if I thought there was a good probability of it ending in another painful divorce.
Thanks for your thoughts.

~gwaq~
A good board to pose this question on would be the "All Sides of an Affair" board where we have discussed the ramifications of serial cheaters many times. There is no single thread I can direct you to, as most responses are embedded into other non-related threads. You will hear viewpoints from all sides, (BS's, OW's, WS's) and hopefully you will get the insights that you need. Be prepared for some opinions you may not want to hear, but remember, they are *just* opinions.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-ivallsides
In General, everyone will confirm that counseling and therapy is a *MUST* for people who have had multiply affairs during their lifetime.
I hope this helps and good luck,
Guy
I have to agree with ID if a serial chater does not get professional help to deal with REAL REASONS for there cheating it will continue with the next spouse.
Free
Answering your questions:
1. It is imperative that your new GF continue with her counseling. She MUST get to the bottom as to why she chose serial cheating rather than ending the marriage or facing husband directly.
2. Should you give her a chance? I vote yes for a very significant reason: she came clean to you about her past. She could just as easily not disclosed to you anything about the serial affairs and left them in the past. Instead, she faced her fears and told you about the WHOLE person she was, not the glossed over one.
3. As to a repeat of her past, IF you and GF make keeping lines of communication open between the two of you, NO MATTER WHAT, and listen as the other speaks without interruption or put-down, and make communication absolute requirement of the relationship, then I sincerely doubt GF will stray. I personally was a serial cheater for 17 years and my last AP, now current wife, faced what you are facing today: a person known to have had multiple affairs in the past, looking to completely change the lifestyle and walk away from it. Give GF the emotionally "safe" place she's looking for, as was I, and I believe you will have the most loyal partner you could ever find who is so content to be in a "safe" relationship with someone willing to be kind and respectful and love her for who she is, not who she was and there will absolutely no thought of straying. It may not be easy for you now, particularly since your ex-wife cheated on you, however, honesty is the best policy and I think your GF is looking to turn her life around with a last chance with a decent guy, namely, you. Your willingness to help her face her past is a BIG deal to her. I know what she's feeling and the tremendous amount of gratitude she has for having found you, a man willing to help her with her guilt and past, not just get her on her back.
Please feel welcome to continue contact with me via email if you or your GF have any questions about what you're facing leaving the old lifestyle behind. I've been over my serial affairs for over 10 years now....
This board is for persons ending their affairs and as suggested by others, you may find more answers on the All Sides Board.....
Good luck,
cl-nre
guy,
i would say give her a chance but make sure she also gets professional help, with that and your support she might be able to love herself and be able to love u truly and have an open relationship
open communications and trust, im glad she told u her past
max