What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
What would you do?
5
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 9:13pm
To briefly recap, I've been out the EMA for just about 2 years. I guess I've had this "hope" or have been wondering whether or not XMM and Mrs. split up, because before I had gotten involved with him they had split a couple of times. I also wondered what he was up to because I thought he was wondering what was going on with me. I had sort of caught him "spying" on me a few times (like throughout the whole year of last year and a few months after we broke up-which is sort of another story and me being a little presumptuous but SOMETHING has been going on all this time-and it has not been any sort of physical or verbal contact).

So last month I called the guy out of the blue, we talked briefly and everything was the same with him. He had wanted to maintain contact again but I said "No thanks." and left it at that...for a week. A week later I mailed him a letter. Oh man, I do regret that a little, it was totally done in a PMS moment, but it's done. I only regret it because I feel like I exposed my vulnerability, but at the same time I let him know that I understand that he has no intention of EVER leaving his family, which of course is the right thing to do. One point I did make too, was that IF keeping the family together is SOOOO important to him, he needs to give them his undivided attention. Though I believe that he is really more concerned about keeping his assets and maintaining his current lifestyle than "breaking up" his family-which I also wrote in the letter. But in the end I signed off in a Goodbye Forever sort of way. I added a p.s. though, (which in retrospect I think was a mistake) and said that if he had anything he wanted to express I would hear him out in fairness. This sort of has something to do with when we broke up 2 years ago and I did ALL the talking then, he had tried to say some stuff to me, but I thought it was just going to be the usual "I love you with all my heart, BUT..." and I refused to listen to it.

It's been about 2 weeks now since he's gotten the letter and (surprise) no word from him; and I am sure he's gotten it. So the other night, well after midnite I just happened to be standing in the alley behind my apartment building and who do I see cruising down the way? I don't live near his home, and had I seen him while I was standing in the front of the building along the busy street I wouldn't think much, but in the alley behind my building? He won't stop or say anything though. He acts like he doesn't see me and I do the same. I had mentioned that in my letter too, that I know what he's been up to. Well I don't know for sure who's been calling my place, but I am sure when I've spotted him (only 3 times in a 2 year period I've seen him).

Now that I've sort of confronted him I'm not so freaked out about this crap. I guess before I thought that maybe he was checking up on me to see whether or not I had separated from my H, and I guess that's sort of why I hoped maybe he would be motivated to do something. But after the most recent phone call I see this guy as a CAKEMAN. He just wants it all: house, wife, kids, cars, and mistress. That's not for me, and I mentioned that in the letter too.

So should I do something about his creeping around? I really don't think so, but some of my close friends are curious about his motivations. One person thinks I should confront him in person. I don't want to do anything like that though because I am sure he'd just deny it and I feel like it would make ME look weird or paranoid. I don't think this behavior warrants any legal action because he doesn't say or do anything; and the times I've caught him in the streets it's been near my home and work (which both are out of the way for him to just be happening to cruise by) but not at the times I would normally be there-so I don't think he's particularly "looking" for me. It's weird I guess, but I really don't see it that way. I would probably do something like that. Just cruise around and think about "the way we were". I don't know. What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
In reply to: rrdp
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 9:50pm
This is a tough one girl! Are you sure, absolutely positively sure he is no danger to you? If so then I would leave it alone. Otherwise you need to document his behavior at the very least! I have such mixed feelings about this! You and only you know the complete story! If he's at all dangerous please do something. I do not advocate confronting him at this point!!! If this is more serious then you've let on then please say so! OKAY??? Let us help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
In reply to: rrdp
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 11:18pm
You should keep a log / record of when you see him "creeping" around you. Date, time, place, what he was doing.

You should let someone else know what is going on.

You might want to contact the police.

I don't know him well enough to judge, but could he be or become dangerous? If you had to get a restraining order, do you have any evidence (record) of his activity?

Please keep yourself safe. Some people have strange and unexpected reactions under these circumstances. And, I do have to wonder why he would just drive by......?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: rrdp
Thu, 05-15-2003 - 12:35pm
Thanks for the advice, both of you gave me food for thought. Though I don't feel threatened by XMM's behavior, I guess he is capable of doing something dangerous (I really don't think he would though because he knows he has a lot to lose if he did). But I will make sure to stay safe and just TOTALLY leave his lame ass alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: rrdp
Thu, 05-15-2003 - 1:36pm
Baby-girl.... please stay safe. I agree with the others on this one. Keep a journal of his "creeping". And is there atleast one good friend you could tell this to or talk to about. Its not that you want to display your personal business or his...its a "just in case CYA situation."

Of course he has more to lose if he decides to act upon his creeping but its about safety first and then atleast one witness for your integrity to come out on top should he decide to do more than just riding by. You know he may be doing what a kid would do...just passing by fantasizing buying, owning or just simply wishing he could have the toy in the window....he knows he can't have, can't afford, can't borrow and just to be on your turf is good enough for him. Just a little bit lame but he's probably wishing you would never catch on as to what he is doing. This just goes to say how exciting his marriage is. Take care..................rain.......
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: rrdp
Thu, 05-15-2003 - 7:15pm
I like the "toy in the window" analogy, it's cute and probably true in his case. Thanks for the support.