What would you do? Need some input...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
What would you do? Need some input...
5
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 9:23pm
I wish I post here more often like most of you to share good and bad times. Unfortunately, I only post when I need advise so I apologize for posting only when I feel I need this board the most.

As some of you may know I am a MW (no kids) involved with a MM (one son & one on the way) in an LDEMA. I will just list out the past issues the past month and ask for input...

January...was told by MM that he is considering (and am getting pressure) to try for a second child simply to provide his son (who he loves DEARLY) with a sibling. Plus, the pressure of age (him and his wife's) doesn't allow much time to prolong this decision.

April...was told by MM that W is pregnant.

June...a guy that works for him (who also happens to be a work colleauge here locally) tells him that this guy's wife has been listening to his voicemail for the past six months and have overheard voicemail's between her husband and my MM. She did this because she suspected her H of having an affair...which I know he isn't. Apparently, during these voicemail's, my name came up a lot not only due to our business relationhip but also because my MM would tell this guy that he wouldn't need a ride from the airport because I would pick him up, or the fact that we always had legitimate business meetings and dinners together when he was in town. Based on her paranoia and my name being mentioned in these voicemail's, she tells her H that she thinks his boss (my MM) and I are having an A. My MM freaks when he is told this and cuts our communication off by 70%. No e-mail's, phone calls once a week (voicemails), and using a phone card to call when he happens to be traveling.

July...was told by MM that he is moving to a new home.

Here is where I am at now...

I feel that through all these developments, upcoming birth of a second child and a new home, I need my MM more than anything to assure me that amidst all these changes, that I am still an important part of his life. I know it sounds selfish but I can't help but feel this way. I do not expect him to leave his son and I cannot leave my H, however, I feel that we have found each other for a reason and we do love each other very much.

He has been extremely paranoid that he has pulled back so much communication that I just want to walk away. He says he still loves me and that has not changed. He insists that he wants me in his life. However, the fear of getting caught and the resulting effect of losing his son is too unbearable for him. I understand his fear...I really do because I don't want to be caught either.

I just want to ask anyone's opinion how I can find the strenght to not only go through all these changes going on with his life and still try to be understanding that he is not able to reassure me and communicate with me now that I need him the most. I've been lurking on this board and I can certainly empathize that it hurts too much to walk away. Would you if you were in my shoes?

THANKS SO MUCH FOR LISTENING.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 9:58pm


This may sound like I am being a smart **S but I am not, you need to accept the reality that you are a Grape on his dinner plate and if the Grape will never be important enough to be allowed to ruin the dinner, it is an EMA to him and nothing more, if your going to continue in it accept it if you cannot end it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2004
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 10:48pm
Torngal,

He is just dragging you along. It's time for him to do something, don't ya think? I mean, another child? He is just making his bonds with his W tighter and tighter. It will be double hard to walk away when the other baby comes. I have my MM and ultimatum two weeks ago. Either me or his W. He is yet to let me know what he is doing, but I know what I am doing. I am tring to move on and heal. Your MM is jerking you around because he almost got CAUGHT! I am a single mother so I do not have the guilt of cheating on a H, but I still feel the shame from the A.

Be strong and you need to read the Stuck in Limo Land thing that was posted a few days ago.

Hang in there and think of you not him.

Carla

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Sat, 07-17-2004 - 7:47am
Umm, this is the ENDING board and maybe you would be better served over on the SUPPORT board.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sat, 07-17-2004 - 9:04am
Take a look at his actions, they speak louder than his words. He is expanding his family, deepening his bond with his wife, and providing a better home for his family.

Oh yea, he's also making sure he keeps his piece on the side.

How does that make you feel???

Hurt's too much to walk away? It will be a slow death for you if you stay...

I hope you find your strength and dignity.

~Love

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 07-17-2004 - 8:32pm

Answering your ending question:


"I can certainly empathize that it hurts too much to walk away. Would you if you were in my shoes?"


For 17 years I stayed in affairs rather than address the issues in my marriage that I used to justify having an affair. IF you'd asked me your question during those years I'd have supported you to continue with the crumbs you are getting from contact with MM. Asking me that same question now, my answer is that I believe you should address the issues in your marriage WITHOUT MM as a crutch just to get by.


You owe yourself and your husband an honest and forthright assessment of your marriage and its shortcomings and together face them and resolve them or decide that the issues are insurmountable and divorce.


I find it better to live without the lies and stress of a dual life, something I didn't have while lying to my wife in order to get attention outside of the marriage.


For me, final resolution was divorce and a new life with former OW. This isn't an option for you. MM chose to impregnate his wife with another child. xMM chose to move to a new house WITH HIS WIFE. Had MM REALLY wanted to have a full life with you, he could have chosen to end his marriage without getting wife pregnant. Do you really want a relationship with someone who dumps his pregnant wife? What if it were you that was pregnant? How would you react?


I suggest you end your affair and resolve your own life first.......