what is wrong with me?
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| Wed, 01-19-2005 - 12:18pm |
I have once again become weak. My XMM called me last Friday with the missing you and thought about you everyday. He said that he is just trying to deal and going through the motions sort of speak. He has called me so many times in the last couple of days and I talk to him. We had a rough time before we broke it off. He couldn't leave her then but said he wanted to make it work with me sometime but had to figure out how. Now everything has changed bc his wife is pregnant with thier 4th child. We have talked about how we love our spouses and we both live like roomates with them. We want each other so bad but I guess are afraid of rocking the boat and know that we can just go on with our lives with our spouses bc other things make up for it. He kept saying to me there is a difference between a friendship and a marriage and he has a friendship with his wife and thats all. I said that is what is important and he said that itimacy and passion is really important in a marriage and if you don't have that you just have a roomate. He loved the attention I gave him and the attention he gave me. We talked about why we had the A and it was the exact same reason for both. I am just as guilty for wanting sex with him so bad and talking to him about it. I know I can't do that but we talk about how we miss each other. We can talk for hours about everything.
Please help me to be strong bc at least before I thought we had some glimmer of hope together but now with four kid - that is just too much and nearly impossible. So why can't I just hang up on him or tell him to leave me alone. I feel for him way too much. I am actually okay with my m so why can't I let XMM go? I know he has deep feelings for me and now that his wife is pregnant things just go messed up. I feel he really wanted us to be together but things went a different way and he is having a hard time dealing with that. We both realized how hard it was (nearly impossible) to go on with life knowing we could not be together when we were not talking. I hate myself - please I can't even think straight right now. Help!

Mere:
I feel what you are going through. You are either going to keep up the communication and eventually see him and eventually sleep with him again. Or, you are going to start NC again. I have been there done that many times this past year. Am starting over today after 4 months too. You and xMM were both able to keep NC for 4 months. You know you can do it again. Either that or continue a no win situation and get hurt way worse. You have already started working through this and ending it and moving on. You made big progress in this 4 months. You can jump back to NC and pick up your progress and have the comfort of knowing that xMM misses you too. But reach out for the light Mere---don't go back to the darkness. There is only pain and sadness for you there. I know you can do it. It was always easier for me when xMM started the NC--which he did to me many times. Unfortunately the last six months he hasn't been able to do it so it is up to me to start it and enforce it. At least we both know we can do it Mere. Both of us made it once 4 months. That is my longest ever too. Lets go for it again. It gets easier every time take it from me.
Survive
Just an observation on my part.... If they are "friends", how did she become pregnant? He is obviously being intimate with her. He will feed you the line about sex being his "duty" to his w and there is no passion. Well, something happened.....
You do need to let him go. It is not easy, but you can do it. I am still fighting with xmm letting me go. He does continue to call, continue to email. I initiate no contact with him, but I know how hard it is not to respond when they contact you. The lines you are fed about missing you, loving you, soulmates, best friend... so many of us have heard those lines.
Counseling may be an option for you even though you said your m is ok. There is something missing or you would not have strayed.
What keeps us tied to the AP is the addiction of the affair. Breaking any addiction takes one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time.
I have, once again, told xmm to stop contacting me. We have gone round and round so many times, I have lost count.
Just take one day, one day, one minute at a time.....
Good luck.
Oh Mere, me too. I ran into the xMM at Walmart last week. He ignored me. I was so angry that I broke NC to chew his butt. He recanted, said all the right things and we've been talking ever since.
We haven't seen each other yet, but he keeps mentioning days that he's got some free time to "get together and chat." Like that ever happens.
Last night he mentioned somthing about, "If we stay together this time..." IF WE STAY TOGETHER!? Where in the world does he get the idea that after three years of this crap, it will ever turn out different? And why do I still willingly participate? I love him. Because I've convinced myself that he should be mine. That's my problem.
His wife and four kids would disagree. My H. would not be happy either.
I haven't posted this story to the board yet because I know the correct answer is RUN FOR MY LIFE. But I don't want to. I want him. I want to be among the 5% that make it.
Reality will hit me very soon, I'm sure.
And I'm sure you and I will soon be restarting NC, but hopefully with a better result next time.
Good luck! I know I need it.
I'm sure I'll be getting hit with the NC stick from the posters for this one. At least I'm sharing what I really feel.
Shel
{{{{{{{{{Shel}}}}}}}}}}}}
I know you are a smart woman. You probably do the correct thing at work, at home etc. I know you must think you are crazy when you look at it or write your post. I sit and wondering...what the hell was/am I thinking? You are not alone in questioning yourself. Some people engage in affairs or other harmful activities for days, months or even years. We look at others and say "how can THEY _____________________?" etc.
I can say this for sure. We all have our own limits. Some decide what they are unless some........ always...... let....... someone else decide it for us. Be it by the one involved with us or something really careless happens or something dangerous happens that could have been avoided. Not talking accidents here.
We usually only stop or change an action when we finally suffer enough consequence.
(read that again).
Consequences...
some have no conscious (spell) sociopaths..stalkers, murderers, rapists, etc, etc. (Mental or biologically ill people is how I see it).
Some have immuned (self medicated or through ignoring problems etc.) themselves to having a very little or no conscious: drug addicts, thiefs, serial cheaters, embezzlers etc.
Some are plain ol' folk who have longing, needs, lonelyness, low self esteem, extreme grief, pain, loss , weakness or neglect of somekind, immature, or irresponsible, unrealistic fear, or perhaps none of the above but are passive but kind folk...to me these people let others or circumstance make decisions for them.
That is the "boundary" or "limit" that we wonder about.(subconsiously "what is it going to take for me to stop/change _________because this is not right or its hurting me. Your job to yourself is to figure out what that really is. You are smart enough however to realllly think about all the different scenarios that could lead to the biggest consequence.
We change when the consequence is big enough. (take the hand off the burner thingy).
I started losing weight when my boundary (or consequence) of humilation was big enough. I let go of "him" when the consequence of my happiness was big enough (again...it took humiliation).
Ya know that thing when someone asks you "what made you < get a new job> ?"
We can ask what made us start or what made us stop . Hopefully it will be before you have to suffer the consequence. Make that a goal. BEFORE you suffer the consequence.(like how thin people stay thin LOL). I want to be a "thin" person in my mind too lol I also want something that is healthy in my love life.
I want what I deserve because I am a good kind above board person. I didn't want crumbs and I didn't want someone mindscrewing me... I let it go 3 incidents of humilation happen before I stopped. Do i miss him? Yes, i miss the guy I thought I knew...Iam not sure he exists now. Do I hate him? No i wont let myself do that...I will love the guy i thought I knew because that makes me feel better....ABOUT ME. That I win because I CAN love. He doesn't know what love is. I hate inequity. He is gloating practically about what he is into now. I really think he is just a self-perserver and talks himself into be "up" because he loves to hide his weaknesses (male).
In my heart, I Forgave him for being stupid (lol) and immature and hopefully not evil...just lost, confused and not "getting" what the deal in life really is. I love him enough not to want any kind of revenge. Let him be paranoid. He may not be, he may not have a concious. If that is true..well..then i certainly dont need that. If he has a concious well..he for some reason didnt think I love him enough or he didnt want me or wasnt ready for me or NEVER wanted me...no matter what...i still dont have him. I have to go and get my future. I grieve but keep moving. If he ever wants to know how I am...i'll take the call but if he isn't going to understand what I think love is...dont think i can forget all the bs.
Anyway..my original point: We stop/change an action when we suffer a big enough consequence
But if you suffer a consequence...be damn sure you learn from it and see it as THE TIME to just STOP and CHANGE the action...otherwise you WILL repeat the action and suffer the consequence again. That just makes it look like an addiction or stupidity (hand on burner thing). It takes strength. Clarity. Reason. Rationality. All those unromantic things.
good luck,
Lizzie
I know that giving advice is much easier than taking it. That we can view other peoples' situations much more clearly than our own because we are not involved emotionally. So please accept my comments as coming from the heart.
I just wanted to make an observation that if your MM really planned on leaving his W and being with you, then more than likely his W would not be expecting child #4. I hope that doesn't sound harsh. Reality has a way of forcing us to open our eyes even when we want to hold on to the fantasy.
I truly hope that things work out for you and that you can be strong. Take care of yourself!
Storm