What you'll need to get out...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2005
What you'll need to get out...
3
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 7:56pm

For those of us that have left---and stayed gone---I can assure you that the following is what was needed in order to get out and stay out of a relationship with a married man:

* THERAPY - I don't care how you get it. There are plenty of resources, even if you don't have the money to do it. Unless you do self examination you WILL repeat your steps, your cycle, and your life. Remember "Groundhog Day" the movie? That will be your life if you don't invite in self-examination.

* SUPPORT - All it takes is just one friend that knows your story and is willing not to judge you. Open up to that person. Tell them that you are trying to stay away and you know that for the next few months you will really need them to listen, sometimes at random intervals throughout the day! If you don't have someone like that, get someone here. There are probably plenty of people willing to be your support during the day or in the evenings. Create it for yourself because you want it. Because you NEED it to get out.

* HOPE - You deserve it and you have to invite it into your life in order to stay gone. You have to hope that you will feel good again. Hope is the thing that keeps the human spirit alive. Gather it up for yourself, because it's the one emotion that will save you in the end.

* A PLAN - Your plan can change daily but it must encompass the following at all times: removal of any contact made with you by the MM and modification of the means necessary to communicate with you.

I know, I know! Easier said than done.

Notice I don't put "willpower" in there. It isn't about willpower. It's about waking up each day and repeating the steps necessary to create the distance you need to move on. There are plenty of us that have done it. It changes you forever, and it's never something you're able to let go of completely, but IT IS POSSIBLE.

I would never want to repeat the detachment phase but I am so glad I'm 5 years out and have moved on with my life.

Best wishes to all of you!

Hurting No More

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 8:19pm
Terrific post...solid solid answers. Thank you so much for your generosity and keen mind.
Lizzie
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 9:39am

Hurting No More,

Thank you for your list. I printed it out to remind me to follow that path and be strong. Did you rely on this board a lot during your detachment phase? I'm curious because it seems that sometimes it is harder for me to read the posts here - I'm afraid that by relying too much on this board, it is delaying me from truly moving on.

Birdie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2005
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 5:01pm

In answer to Birdie's question about the dependency on this board...

I think in ANY addicitive situation, you have trade one addiction for another. The goal is to trade "up" to a less toxic addition---gum for cigs, cigs for alcohol, this board for the affair. You catch my drift.

Obviously, there is a level of dependency on this board for all of us. Whether you're just reading, or whether you're going as far as posting. Obviously, I'm still here after five years!

It's a lot about checking in with yourself as to why you're on the Board. For me, it was important to get encouragement for others. But after I got through some of the toughest months, I realized that posts by others were dragging me down. Honestly, it was frustrating for me to see so many women going back to the guys over and over again. I knew that I just wasn't in that space so I moved on for awhile.

The same may be true for you. Let me know how you're feeling around it.

Hurting No More