For Whatiswrongwithme...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
For Whatiswrongwithme...
12
Sun, 11-07-2010 - 7:27am

Woke up thinking about you this morning. How are you feeling today? Much better, I hope.

The truth is/can be so incredibly painful, but it is necessary to hear it/see it in order to accept it and start working on yourself, because you really are the only one that matters now.

I hope the good cry helped. I have cried a bazillion tears--as I'm sure everyone here has--over my xAP, myself, my loss of self, my confusion, my suffering, my stupidity, my M, my H, etc., etc. There sure is a whole lot of crap to cry over, isn't there?? ...kinda like we been carrying around a septic system inside ourselves, storing up all the crap,

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sun, 11-07-2010 - 7:57am

Alwayst,

I love your analogy. I always wondered how we could so easily flush our intergrity down the toilet in the beginning of an A, yet forget how to crank the handle while in the A. :smileywink:

WIWWM,

I hope your tears have been able to wash away some of your pain. There may be bucket loads more building up, but crying can be very cleansing. Ironically, I did all of crying while in my A. Once out of it I never shed another tear. My pride wouldn't allow me to go there, but there was a lot of anger that needed to be dealt with.

((Hugs)) to both of you,

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006
Sun, 11-07-2010 - 9:23am
That post really hit me in the gut. Intellectually I knew it but couldnt face the truth. Reading it yesterday was....really hard. I have to hold on to one little shred that I may have mattered even just a little bit.
The absolute worst part of this is taking my head out of the sand and facing the long road ahead. I will get over this stupid affair but I'm still left with myself. I don't feel guilt - yet. I will. I feel shame. I want to hate that rat ba$tard but I allowed this to happen. You are so right....he has no clue nor will he ever that I'm suffering or that I've employed the power of NC! The karma train will take care of him some day. Nobody can treat others like that. The true victims are his wife and 3 DAUGHTERS.
Thanks always and iddy - I hated the tough love but I'm a mom too and I know it works. I will continue to post and read. It's very helpful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Sun, 11-07-2010 - 12:19pm

Hi WIWWM,

I too have been in withdrawal for several weeks or more now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006
Sun, 11-07-2010 - 6:39pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2010
Sun, 11-07-2010 - 6:49pm

Sending hugs to wiwwm...I wish this wasn't such a difficult road to be on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006
Sun, 11-07-2010 - 6:56pm
Oh no, I think I have a new addiction...EAS! I had a 3 hour car ride today and I read and read and read. I hope I have an unlimited plan or I'm in big trouble.

Always, I want to tell you how much your tough love post helped. Although hard to digest or understand the mindset of such a cold-hearted rat ba$tard I will not suffer delusions that he is thinking of me, missing me, wanting me back. I've read so many posts where people wonder such things. It's sad but true that I was nothing but his ego stroke. The number of times we were together physically over the past year was probably less than a dozen. I foolishly tried to characterize our A as emotional because of our daily multiple emails. He could spare 5 minutes of his time to keep me on the hook. God knows how many others but who cares. I am spared wondering because you helped me see it for what it truly was. I wish I mattered but in a strange way it makes it a little easier to accept and move on to my whys.
Plus he had the smallest thingie you ever did see. :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006
Sun, 11-07-2010 - 6:57pm
You too sweetie!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Mon, 11-08-2010 - 6:41am

WWWM, do we have the same xAP??? LOL.

I had some serious tough love dished out to me during my first attempt to end it and I hurt sooooooo freaking bad. Something along the very same lines I said to you.

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006
Mon, 11-08-2010 - 7:27am
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006
Mon, 11-08-2010 - 7:34am
I'm messing up on posting...sorry!
Having a rough morning. My mind is on replay. I will not contact him. I have at least a little dignity left.
I'm replaying an email from 2 weeks ago. I pulled back because the gut was telling me to watch out. He sent emails saying he was ok with begging...I will say to myse.lf "see, he cared. He loved me. He said he did. He called me his needle in a haystack". Then I have to remind myself those were just empty words meant to keep me on the hook. I was nothing.
Oh, this is just so hard

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