What's bugging me today...random thoughts from my head. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2011
What's bugging me today...random thoughts from my head. :)
1
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 6:08pm

Okay, I KNOW I shouldn't care what xap thinks, but needed to get some thoughts out of my

Sometimes you just have to die a little inside in order to be reborn and rise again as a stronger and wiser version of you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2011

Who, I used to think the same thing and get caught up in all the worry of it. Unfortunately it is still a way our minds are focussing on how we want our xap's to view us. Now that you have gone NC completely, you are going to have many thoughts where the ultimate root is validation. Because we wrap our whole sense of validation up in one person during the A, it is very hard to suddenly snap that back. Imagine a dozen ballons (or more) carrying our sense of validation and each balloon has a thought written on it. During the A they may have said 'he thinks I am wonderful, he thinks I am sexy, he is putting everything on the line for me etc' now it is the opposite, instead they say things like 'he thinks I'm a fraud, he thinks I'm pathetic, he thinks I'm needy', and our self esteem basket is so tightly strung to those thoughts, it makes us believe it. When we say it doesn't matter and even when we are having to at first fake those thoughts, it is like taking a knife and hacking away at those strings. And then as each balloon of xap validation floats away or pops, you then need to start finding other thoughts to replace them, being very careful that they are not the same ones that led you into the A in the first place. Things like, I am worthy, I am worth loving, I am enough etc. Again it is not always easy to believe these things of ourselves and it takes work and constant affirmations but it will work. It will take longer though if we then sabotage our thoughts with our actions. In other words, if we are telling ourselves we are enough but then continue to try and be perfectionists, then really our actions are telling us we aren't enough unless we do x,y,z.

Who, this is a process. And a long and hard one at that. But how long and how hard it will be is in your hands, not your xap's. It isn't easy to pull our thoughts and emotions into line when we have pretty much given all control over to them during our A's but small, continuous steps forward will help to break them. Imagine a time when you will wake up and it will be hours before you even think about xap. Imagine being completely present with your family on outings instead of feeling numb or so sad inside while pretending to put on a happy face. Imagine one day looking in the mirror and seeing a new woman who has learned incredible things about herself, things that make her want the relationships in her life to be ones based on security and not on wanting to please to make herself feel worthy. Those days are ahead of you and they start by not believing the lies your mind will feed you regarding how you think (but not really know) what xap is thinking about you.

RTMO

The core of who you are is not always obvious to everyone. But to believe what others may believe of you can cause you to deny yourself, the wonders, of who you really are.