"What's This Crazy Thing Called Love?"

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
"What's This Crazy Thing Called Love?"
6
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 12:28pm
Exerpt from Shirley Glass' website - great stuff here, guys & gals!

"It is preferable to grow in love than to fall in love. Many people mistake infatuation or romance for a mature love that endures the passage of time. Individuals engaged in extramarital affairs often say, "I love my spouse, but I'm not in love with him/her any more." Unfortunately, they are confusing the excitement of a forbidden love with the routine and security of a long term relationship. Movies, novels, and song lyrics popularize misconceptions about love by glorifying passionate love which develops despite tremendous obstacles or inappropriate pairing.

A trick of nature induces women to bond with an inappropriate partner after sex because of a sexual arousal hormone called oxytocin which enhances orgasms and increases emotional attachment to one's sexual partner. This hormone is stronger in women, and is also secreted during breast feeding to increase bonding with a newborn child. That is one of the reasons that women tend to become more emotionally attached than men once they have engaged in sexual intercourse.

A relationship which is right for you will meet the criteria of goodness of fit with all four areas: your head, your heart, your gut, and your groin. Two out of four, such as your heart and your genitals, could be what's keeping you in the wrong relationship even though your gut and your brain know better.

If your "love" is: ANXIOUS, ECSTATIC, JEALOUS, SMOTHERING, OBSESSIVE, FORBIDDEN, SELFISH, PERFECT -- you might be confusing infatuation with love.

If your love is: SECURE, WARM, TRUSTING, OPEN, COMPANIONATE, RESPECTFUL, APPROPRIATE, SUPPORTIVE, IMPERFECT -- you might have found the real thing." ~Shirley Glass~

The full article here:- http://www.shirleyglass.com/reflect_love.htm

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 12:54pm
Posie,

What an AWESOME article! Thanks so much for the great reminder!
Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 1:04pm
Hi Posie,

This article you have posted is right on the mark and reflects some thoughts I have had for quite a while. Even before I ended my A I realized the difference between real enduring i'll stand with you through everything love, and the enphatuation excitement factor of the A.

I guess my situation was somewhat unusual, from most postings I have read here. I knew my XMM for a long time before becoming intimate with him and I knew we didn't have that enduring true love for one another even when we began the A and I never expected him to leave his spouse (then girlfriend), and I told him I would not get a divorce either and did not want to hurt my h. My XMM and I had a great affection for one another and I thought we were great friends. And I thought I could control the A and get the excitement and romance I was not getting at home with my H. and attention also. I quickly learned that once the sexual partt begins, women do become more emotionally attached, at least I did. I still didn't want to get divorced or marry the XMM, but I expected more emotionally from him and would be hurt and disappointed and angry when I didn't get it.

I quickly relalized that I wanted to get back tomy marriage and get the excitement and attention there rather than from the A. And it has worked.

I have ended to A, 10 weeks ago, and today is my 28th anniversary with my H, and I am happier and feel that our marriage is stronger now that it has been in a long time.

I guess my point in all this is that right or wrong, I went into my A with my eyes open about the love issue. Maybe in some people's view that makes my actions even worse, but it is just the truth. Maybe I could see the difference bedcause I am probably a little older than most posting here and because of so many years of a fairly stable marriage. I don't know. I do know that I am glad I didn't suffer the broken heart part of the A. Yes, hurt feelings lots of time, lots of different emotions which we are all familiar with, but thank God, I am not emotionally a total wreck over the love issue. My heart goes out to those who are. It is very painful. Went through it when I was much younger and before marriage, so I have been there.

Just wondering if any others out there have experienced their A in the same manner I did. Caring deeply about the OM and having great attachment and affection, but knowing it isn't the true lasting "love" thing?

Thanks again for posting the article and take care.

IP

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 1:06pm
So what the hek does it take for all this great info. to just sink in????

Great article...thanks for sharing Posie!

I sometimes wish our minds, and emotions could be better with the obvious and better differentiate between black and white...sometimes my mind prefers to stay in the grey area of reality.

I read all this and I know its true, but what is it that makes it so hard to let go, and move on??? You would think with all this great info. and words of advice from many here we woudnt struggle as much. So why is that????

xo!

Dipss

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 1:22pm
Hiya dipss,

<<>>

I can only give you my answer to that question to myself and mine may well likely be very different from yours.

It's tough to let go of the guy we have built up in our minds. He's, well, he's just perfect, isn't he? All that we ever hoped for & dreamed about? Somehow accepting that he never actually existed except in our own minds, well, we can feel kinda foolish & silly amonsgt other things. Gypped on a rather grand scale.

I grew up with a master of manipulation & justification for a role model. As far as I knew, accepting responsibility was for dimwits who didn't have the talent or ability to deflect it elsewhere. I've learned much since then.

I only know that when I quit seeing myself as a victim and started accepting that none of it had been done to me without my express permission, then and ONLY then was I able to start accepting responsibility for having put myself in the position I found myself. THEN I could begin to move forward rather than constantly, obsessively, looking back.

Ask youself what you gain by continuing to see exOM as something you know he isn't. How do you benefit from it? Is it working for you? Or is the struggle of fighting to keep him up there on a pedestal of perfection taking it's toll on you? What do you want to do about it?

Keep reading & posting, I'm convinced this stuff filters through slowly. ;)

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 1:43pm
Hi IP!

I just wanted to respond to your questioning whether anyone else had gotten into their affair under similar circumstances to yourself- caring about OM but knowing there was no "love" involved. That definitely describes me, and I've communicated with several other women on this board who felt the same way. I think it's pretty common, actually, since many of us were simply filling a void we felt at home- not looking for love.

Personally, I didn't even realize what was missing within myself until I had already kissed xOM for the first time. We were somewhere between acquaintances and friends at work, and had a great working relationship. I guess it was kind of a mutual affection thing for 5 years, with the occasional lightly-flirty comment. Well, the Monday after we'd both (with our significant others) been to a party, he emailed me something about being single the next time we're at a party together. I thought it was all in fun, he persisted. For weeks he pursued me and I soaked up every second of it. I was using him as an escape from family problems and a husband who had become distant. I loved the attention. Finally, after we both agreed that there was something cool between us and we had fun together, but no emotions could be involved (yeah, right!) and we were happy in our relationships, I broke down and kissed him. For a few days, it was intense and romantic. I became attached and dependent on my fixes from him. He (probably sensing that I was getting attached) ended things. I was crushed. Long story short- he kept coming back. Always making it clear that it was just a physical thing- friends with benefits. I always fell back into because I loved the high. I had my final slip up almost 3 weeks ago now. Last email from him will be 2 weeks Monday. I've never felt better about things since I started this mess 6 months ago.

So, yes. I wasn't in love with him. I love my husband, but was going through a rough time and xOM was a very dangerous band-aid that did more harm than anything else. I did care very much about him, and I guess I did want to know that he felt that way for me. Most of all, I sought his approval and affection. I didn't want him to fall in love with me. It was never about that. I'm in my late twenties and I, too, was feeling older, unattractive, and wondering if I'd ever turn another head now that I'm married. When I got such intoxicating attention from someone I'd always looked so highly upon and who I never thought would have any interest in me (not that I'm not good enough or anything like that...we are just very, very different) I made the choice to indulge my fantasies and see what it would be like to have this secret little fling. The highs were amazing, but the lows crushed me. Whether we were "on" or "off" he consumed my thoughts and kept me from dealing with the real problems I was facing. It also kept me from experiencing REAL joy in my life because I was so addicted to the cheap-knockoff those fixes were.

You're right. Women do get emotionally attached whether we want to or not. I swore up and down even up through our last encounter that I didn't want anything emotional from him. Well, it doesn't have to be love to be emotional. Wanting to feel wanted, loving the attention, and wanting to have SOME value in this man's life are all very emotional things to crave. So, I unknowingly lied to him. I didn't want love, but I wanted the emotional fix I got from him. I am not cut out to be a booty call. There is no such thing to me as "just sex." Having learned this after many painful months, I finally feel ready to let him go and be certain that I will never slip up, with him or anyone else, again.

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 2:48pm
Bless you. You summed up everything that I have been feeling and just could not quite bring together to put into words. You have helped me tremendously. It's very helpful to know that what I'm feeling is normal. I thought I was losing my mind until I read your message. Thank you and best wishes.