What's the difference?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2009
What's the difference?
7
Sun, 08-30-2009 - 1:07am
I have learned so much from all you bright, insightful women so maybe you can help. I hear a lot on this board that what we feel in an affair is not real love, just a rush of chemicals we get addicted to. I do agree that does play a huge part in why we continue our affairs, but here's what confuses me: how is this any different than what happens when we meet our spouse and get married? Why is what we feel now any less legitimate? Also, wouldn't our feelings of love be even more valid now that we are older and more experienced. I mean, why wouldn't our new love, although immoral, be a better reflection of who we want as a life partner?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2009
Sun, 08-30-2009 - 1:14am
I want to add that that I am trying to end my affair of seven years. It is hard and I am just trying to straighten my head out. I hope no one takes my question as one that is trying to justify my affair. Just looking for support. I know the affair has been wrong on so many levels, but I am struggling with letting go.
Thank you all!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2008
Sun, 08-30-2009 - 9:09am

Well guy....


I have the EXACT SAME question in my mind and it makes me crazy when anyone calls it an affair wrong, a lie, not real...etc, etc.


It IS the same thing. The only difference here is a) having more time to spend with that person and b)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2009
Sun, 08-30-2009 - 9:38am

I am actually surprised and feel better to see a man that shows his emotions were genuine after reading of so many men who just use and abuse women.(Maybe shouldnt read BS & BGF posts as much!) Not that it wont be as hard for your SO to heal, but it gives women that are also in ended As the thought that maybe we didnt mean less than dirt to him after all.

>>wouldn't our feelings of love be even more valid now that we are older and more experienced. I mean, why wouldn't our new love, although immoral, be a better reflection of who we want as a life partner<<

I have to agree to this. My only afterthought would be that in a *normal* marriage with the *usual* ups and downs, both the H & W should be growing together as a partnership. When one or both parties begins to change direction and leave the other behind and/or alone and want to persue different activities/hobbies/careers for their own needs, thats when we find ourselves vulnerable to leaving a gap for an outsider to fill the void.
I believe that you can never be everything to your partner and vice-versa, but you can do much to prevent them feeling left aside or abandoned to need an extra boost from that OW/OM. Should they not want to grow with you, to find someone that fits you as you are now is completely understandable, as is falling in love with them.

>> how is this any different than what happens when we meet our spouse and get married? Why is what we feel now any less legitimate?<<

I dont believe that the feelings are any less legitimate, just that when you are already married, to project those feelings onto someone other than your spouse makes you a cheat. If those feelings were developed after a seperation/divorce/death,then in societies eyes those feelings would be completely acceptable.
No insult intended to anyone, just my limited and jaded opinion.

Good luck with your recovery Guy. I hope you work past the hurt.

Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2009
Sun, 08-30-2009 - 12:09pm

Hi guy and welcome to EAS...

>> how is this any different than what happens when we meet our spouse and get married? Why is what we feel now any less legitimate?

Technically, it's not different. The same chemicals are involved.

>> Also, wouldn't our feelings of love be even more valid now that we are older and more experienced. I mean, why wouldn't our new love, although immoral, be a better reflection of who we want as a life partner?

It's not possible to generalize this assertion. Have you ever 'fallen' for someone who in the end wasn't a good match for you? People seldom marry the first person they 'fall in love' with.

The thing about affairs is that you don't get to really know a person under 'normal', real-life circumstances. The Affair bubble is such that we tend to ignore, excuse or tolerate bad behaviour from the APs because the chemical attraction is so strong.

Personally, now that I've been out of my 3-year A for over 6 months, I now see all the bad behaviour I excused and tolerated. I see that I was just repeating a pattern of choosing the wrong type of men, despite all of the chemical attraction and great sex, in reality he's no different from the ones that were wrong for me. Yeah we had great banter together, and I think in another context he would have been a fun friend for me, but definitely not a good spouse. For all of his loving words, his actions towards me were not acceptable. I had to learn to love myself to say - enough of this treatment - I deserve better from the man who 'loves' me.

The A was a symptom of not loving myself; it ended up really being about me, not about me and xMM.

hugs and wishing you strength,

trixie xo



"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.”
Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2009
Sun, 08-30-2009 - 1:38pm
Reading your responses has been very helpful and thought provoking. You all verified my thoughts that what I have been experiencing for the last 7 years (married 20) has really been no less of the love I feel for my wife. From reading your replies it sounds like my W and I just never really grew together, it's just been a stagnant relationship- not bad and not great. This, I believe, opened the door. I screwed up by not nurturing my marriage and taking the easy path to bliss by walking through that door.
Thank you for helping me think this through. I have to admit that I will always love my AP (that's why this is soooo hard!), but I am committed to refocusing on my first love.


Edited 8/30/2009 1:44 pm ET by guywholovestoomuch
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2009
Mon, 08-31-2009 - 9:35am

For me, I needed to call it love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 09-01-2009 - 10:15pm

hey, guy:


welcome


if i might: your name says it all:

CL-Lovely Starr

"No memory of having starred; atones for later disregard; or keeps the end from being h