whats so different?!
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whats so different?!
| Tue, 08-03-2010 - 9:32am |
I am noticing the differences this time. (xAP and I tried to end things many times) But this time:
| Tue, 08-03-2010 - 9:32am |
I am noticing the differences this time. (xAP and I tried to end things many times) But this time:
Wising -
I think everyone has a breaking point. There were no "different" circumstances for me this time. My gosh, over the past 7.5 years I've been through holidays, graduations, weddings, and vacations. I snapped when he announced this last vacation. But I've snapped before and gone back. This time maybe I had a little less forgiveness and a little more F-you attitude! I just really, really, really don't want to go through the hell anymore, and that is what drives me this time.
I still take it a day at a time though. As horrible as everything was, I still miss the "fake" him. The XAP that doesn't really exist. My mind still plays tricks on me and tries to get me to think that he is Mr. Wonderful. I'm glad you are having the realizations that you are - let them fuel you through the down times - and there will be some.
Bodhi :)
Hi Bodhi,
As horrible as everything was, I still miss the "fake" him. The XAP that doesn't really exist. My mind still plays tricks on me and tries to get me to think that he is Mr. Wonderful
This pill is a hard one for me to swallow. It seems that when I close my eyes I visualize my "fantasy" with him. Its a nightmare.
But it is different with me this time because I have had my "ENOUGH" point. Really now, just how many more times could I make myself look and feel like a jacka**! And for what??? I am getting nothing out of it. And that is the hurt that I am dealing with now. The realization of it all is just too much for me to take in. I just had another breakdown and I really dont see that light everyone is talking about. I am only 7 days out. So I need to be patient with myself. Patience is NOT my strong suit.
Also this time is different due to what more can I say. I wore my heart on my sleeve and it was all for the wrong man. After all he was never mine. Why cant my brain wrap around that truth???? UGGH I just wanna scream and smack me silly sometimes.
<<<>>
Breakdowns are OK LLL. Don't worry about seeing the light. Just focus on getting through each day right now. You HAVE the power to get through this, you really do. Just believe in yourself.
Sometimes when we can't have something, it makes us want it more. I find myself getting worked up when I think about the "finality" of it - of never having the relationship I wanted with XAP. Then I slap myself and remind myself that I DON'T WANT him. I want the man that never existed. Hang in there. The light is there, you just have to open your eyes :)
Bodhi
Wising :)
I believe in you too! Anger is what finally made me want a life of my own. Even now, I can get angry in a millisecond when I think of some of the things I've been through. I try not to hang onto the feeling for long, anger is such a horrible thing to feel. It's very conflicting to love and hate the same person, isn't it?
Stay strong - you are doing great :)
Bodhi