What's wrong with me???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2011
What's wrong with me???
3
Mon, 01-28-2013 - 9:29am

I miss him so much. What is wrong with me? I kinow he treated me badly. Everytime I get a pain in my heart I go back to thinking that he never loved me and he made sure i knew he didn't care about me by treating my like crap. So why do I miss him and ache for him? Why did I spend all morning in my shower crying bc I don't understand why he couldn't love me back or why I wasn't enough for him? All I wanted was to be a part of his life and be something special to him and all I got was treated like a whore. It is a harsh word but when I look back at our time together I realize he had no respect for me at all.  So I have not contacted him, will not contact him but my heart hurts so much this morning 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2013
Mon, 01-28-2013 - 11:11am

Hi Lap,

I am sorry you are having a bad day.  We all have those days when we just can't shake a thought of "him". With everything that you wrote, your head seems very clear about what is really going on.  Is that what you want for your life? To be nothing but someone's sex partner? I don't think so. You deserve a better relationship than that! You need to make it past these rough times and things will begin to get a little easier. It has been 19 days since I went NC with my exAP. I still think about him, but I don't feel the intense longing to be with him. I still have feelings for him, but they are more disengaged, if you know what I mean. You need to keep yourself busy. Get dressed and get out. Go for a walk or run, anything to get a change of scenery. I feel my worst when I am home alone or alone in the car.

Hang in there,

Tam

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Mon, 01-28-2013 - 12:48pm

How you feel, (((Lap))), proves the theory around here about how it is not JAM that we miss, but rather how he made is feel.  JAM could have been anyone who showed up at the right time and place.  He pushed the feel-good drugs, and it's all the good feelings you miss...he's just the pusherman.  Right?  I mean he treated you like crap, but he also gave you a high.  Similar to all addictions, even though the junkie knows that shooting up is really bad for them, they still crave it.  You are detoxing and while withdrawing, addictions tend to play mindgames.

Now is the time for you to figure out exactly what he was providing so that you can then find healthier ways to provide them to yourself.  That's why we strongly suggest therapy...in order to get to your issues.  A professional will help you dig deep and guide and support you.

And this is going to sting a little.  But when we disrespect ourselves and crap all over our vows and loved ones, there are plenty of people out there to exploit our weakness. Disrespect and affairs walk hand and hand.

Make a promise to yourself that, from this moment forward, you are going to decide that what JAM thinks or does no longer matters...and that what you do and think will be all that matters.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader...EAS


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Tue, 01-29-2013 - 3:24am

Hey Lap

There is absolutly nothing wrong with you - AT ALL! What you are feeling is a natural - albeit painfull part of ending. I could have written your post long into my ending. I missed him so much my heart ached, and I saw no end in sight!

I felt like I was treated like a dirty Wh*re, but you know what? I acted liked a dirty wh*re, and never asked for better. I did anything to keep him coming back for more, and I had no boundaries - I was doing things with him I didn't even enjoy and pretending I wanted and needed this sort of treatment. I wanted him to think that I was some sort of amazing specimen of a women who wanted it all the time, and it had to be kinky... god.. so not me... but thats what I made him think, so why the hell should he behave any other way than the way he did?!

Its all about healing yourself, and trying to understand why you let people treat you this way, its not about why he treated you badly, because at the end of this very painful time for you - you let him. There are no 2 ways about it. We have all been there, and it sucked.

Who cares if he didn't respect you? You were not respecting yourself either. Now its time to find the real version of you. Start respecting yourself, and noone will be able to walk all over you again.

I hope you are feeling a little better today - on foot in front of the other... it does get more bareable... then it just gets better and better... stick with it!

Love WGO

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth