What's your opinion?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
What's your opinion?
12
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 7:26am
Do you think that a man that has been involved in an affair could ever truly fall in love with the woman he is seeing? Not for security, or sex, but true love. I have often wondered this. Most of the time, I'm sure, it's the woman that falls in love first, and most of the posts here state that. What do you think?

Myself I think it could happen, but I am a hopeless romantic. And a FOOL for awhile, while I was in an affair.



TCOM




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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 9:00am
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Edited 10/1/2004 6:30 pm ET ET by sally289
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 9:48am
tcom~

Of course its possible...because anything is possible. In fact, I've known a couple people to have an affair, leave the marriage, and marry the OW/OM and have very loving marriages. However, I think that the majority people confuse what love is. I think that if you *truly* love someone that it would prompt you to leave a marriage. I also think that sometimes people *think* they are in love, but realize its not...that what they feel is passion or lust, albeit very toxic.

Love is nothing how I've pictured it or imagined it to be. In fact, what I thought was love, I find is doing an about face these days....but that's my stuff. I can safely say that exMM had some strong feelings for me, but I can't say it was love. He never said those words, neither did I. I know I *felt* like I fell in love with him...but I also think that my abusive marriage has left me very needy in many ways...so now I question how I felt. Maybe it was love, maybe it wasn't.

In any case...what does it matter in the end? If someone choses another over you, then you have to question their feelings to begin with....but then again, unconditional love also lays no claims to ownership, either. Who knows......

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 11:32am
Can it happen YES does it happen often NO. JMHO
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 2:09pm

Yes, it's possible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 3:44pm
yes of course some of them fall in love but I think it's just that they think so differently from women and when it finally comes down to it they think with their head instead of their hearts.

I think most women who are truely in love would give up everything to be with their man , but men need security first. You may see many divorce women who remain alone for a long time because I beleive we are more self reliant but most men rush on to the next women because they can't cope on their own.

I think when it comes to the crunch as there are no guarentees that the relationship with the other women will last they stay with what they know where they are safe. They fall in love they just weigh everything up when it comes to the final decision and basically bottle it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 5:03pm

My Opinion? My MALE opinion?


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 5:26pm
I'm positive that my MM fell in love with me first. Then a year and a half later realized that "he'd put the cart before the horse" (his words) and needed to figure out what to do with his marriage and started to pull back from me. That's when our trouble really started because by then I was in love with him, too, and the balance of power started to shift completely away from me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 8:31pm
I was wondering the same thing!! My A ended 3 months ago it lasted for almost a year we were both planning on leaving our spouses. We told each other everyday how much we loved one another how we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together we talked about everything even how all the kids would get along, we even spent 3 weekends together 2 of them at his house and 1 we went away together. Well I tried several times to get him to go home and work on his marriage to make sure it was truely over he insisted there wasn't any chance of fixing it he didn't love her and wanted out. We were together one evening telling each other how much we missed one another and loved one another and I thought everything was o.k. The next day him and his wife confront me he tells me he wants it over and done with once and for all I was shocked and took off. I went to see him 2 days later he told me we didn't have anything to talk about he loved his wife and was going to make his marriage better than its ever been and I was to forget him. He told his wife it was all my fault and a bunch of other things. Well I haven't heard from him for 2 months so I call he tells me you know how I feel and I know how you feel and it was good to hear my voice he told me 3 times you know how I feel. So in your opinion was this MM in love with me? And what do you think changed his mind about him and I? I"m hoping that man that told his story might be able to give me his insight.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 9:42pm
I bet his wife influenced him a whole lot and he got scared, cause of making changes to him home and family life. I'm sure he loved you like you loved him. But.........What I have learned is fantasy ends and reality steps in. I was blind to that for so long, ready to change my whole life and turn everyone's close to me upside down for what I thought was the love of a man. Probably the best thing to do is to move on and accept the fact that the affair is over, hold on to your memories, and allow your heart to heal. Things sometimes have a way of working themselves out, but we don't realize it for a long time. Maybe fate will step in and bring you two back together in a real relationship if it's meant to be.

Just my opinion

Good luck to you

TCOM

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 8:50am
Yes, I think it is possible. why not? Stranger things have happened. I was the cake eater in my situation and my feelings for the XOM were true. That was the way it was in the beginning until I became addicted and "sick". I do not think those feelings were reciprocated, although to this day he claims that they were. I honestly did love him, and I would imagine a man in the same situation could feel the same way. That doesn't make the A right or good for us. It just means it wasn't based on getting sex or having nothing else better to do...Am I making sense? In the scheme of thing it really does not matter, because the end result is someone getting hurt.

Jazzdiva

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