When am I going to get to the end?......

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
When am I going to get to the end?......
2
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 1:26pm
Here is my thing: the affair has ended over six months. I am way over the hump of having that desire to contact him, to have him say "sweet nothings" to me. My problem is when I think of him, I want to like.....curl my fists and throw a massive temper tantrum.

Yesterday, I received an e-mail from him...he sent it from an unacknowledged account (obviously not blocked). I was furious; it was not the content of the e-mail, but the way how he invaded it "uninvited." I find it much easier for me to cope, to acknowledge that he does not exist, not alive, etc.. Maybe denial is not the way to go...but it has worked for me. Anyway, the e-mail yesterday wiped me out......why the hell did I get involved in an extramarital affair, all a LOSING PROPOSITION? What was I thinking?

Reality is I want THAT man to disappear, "wimpedly" convince myself I never met him. He is a reminder of how I "screwed up"...So that you are aware, he does not harass me or anything of that nature, just wish I never got involved in the first place.

Has anyone ever felt this way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 3:36pm
Beenthere,

I have been thinking these very things these past few weeks about my xOM. Since the day that I told xOM that H found out everything and that it was over I have not heard or seen him. He told me that day that he would let me be to fix my life and I guess that is what he is sticking to. I wonder what he is doing, where he is, if he thinks about me and the next minute I hate him and blame him for everything that is happening in my life. I know that xOM alone is not to blame for it all, but the anger is there.

I think constantly about how I got myself into an A and how my life spiraled out of control like it has. But I am trying to work thru it all. The past is the past and I have to move forward if only for my kids. I too wish that I would have never got involved in the first place, but you can't go into the past and change it, you have to accept it and move on, which sucks.

Wishing you strength.

DAF

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 3:57pm
It is funny because I used to go back and forth the last few months, wondering whether I despised or missed him. But lately, within the last three weeks, the thoughts of despising him have remained the same, no fluctuation. I have no desire to wonder whether he is thinking of me or not, just want to either hurt or ZAP! him into disappearance. He will remain safe as long as he keeps out of my radar screen.....It was fine until that e-mail, his name flashing...I made every point to block, barricade him from my life...so angry, then started to cry...remembering what a fool I was to "get involved" and at the same time, could not tell anyone why I exhibited mood swings yesterday- lied about receiving a poor grade on a paper.

Believe me, I want to move on.....I want to know how long it is going to take for me stop feeling the way I do...