when the bad outweighs the good...
Find a Conversation
when the bad outweighs the good...
| Thu, 01-15-2004 - 7:52pm |
...it's time to move on, right? I was not looking for an A. I have always been a person who has crushes, but this SG was the first one who crushed back. I've been happily married for 20+ years. It started with innocent flirting last January where he worked (a business where I go). I'm 40 something, he's 30 something. Without going into danger details, he does not have his life together at all, mine is successful. He gave me his e-mail and we e-mailed daily back and forth. I was bored and it filled my days with excitement. I started getting emotionally attached and in May asked if we could meet and talk. We ended up making out (everything but ic). The next week the flirty e-mails stopped and when I saw him he ignored me or really was rather mean to me. Then a few weeks later he got fired. So I no longer saw him. I kept e-mailing and iming him all summer. He would always respond, but they were very short. He would do things like during an im...CSI is on, gotta go, slam! No bye or anything. Very immature. Why did I continue with it, why didn't I just let it go then? This went on until I ran into him in October. He gave me a big hug, told me he got a new job. So a two weeks later I im him one morning, he gives me his cell # and says call me later. I called, he came over (H was out of town). We had ic, lasted about 10 seconds, he has an O, I do not. He gets up, says this can never happen again, says what he can't like about me is men fall all over me and he is not that way, he is way to afraid of my H finding out to have good sex with me. So I catch him on-line one week later. He says he can't talk, I asked him to call, he said this is so shady. So I decide to give him space and wait until Thanksgiving and sent a short Happy Thanksgiving e-mail. He responds that he is thinking of me but still freaked out. So I wait a few more weeks, call him on his birthday. He is so nice, thanks me for calling, says he will definately call or e-mail me. So I run into him 2 weeks later, 6 weeks since ic. I'm so surprised to see him and he acts like it's no big deal. I told him I would like to talk, he says call me and we will. I call on 12/24, he talks for about 20 minutes, says he gets too attached to me each time we have sex, I'm married and it can't go anywhere, I want my H and him too and that is not right, he has moral issues, he has a new job, he can't see me if he gets back together with his gf, call me after the holidays when I get back from my vacation and we will get together and talk. He always lied and this was another one. He was seen around town, did not go away on vacation like he said. So I e-mail him on 12/31, no response, on 1/5, no response, he is never on-line, must have changed his screen name I guess. I have not tried to call. It's been over for such a long while, that I don't think I'm sad about that. Actually, since he lost his job in June it changed then. I think what I'm sad about is why I let someone treat me so badly. It almost makes me sick to my stomach when I think I had ic with him. Why did I hold on to a big time loser who is known to lie all the time? I had only been with my H and I always wondered what it would be like. After so many years of waiting, I have this horrible experience. I think I can get over him okay, but how do I get past this horrible disgust. I pursued him after he got fired, then I didn't even have an O, I was treated like a whore by this guy who I thought was a good friend. Now he won't even talk to me. I guess I am lucky to have made it 40+ years without being treated this way. I have no experience on how to handle it. Please offer any suggestions or advise you can muster. Thanks, C

I was in a situation very similiar to yours. My affair ended four months ago and ended in the worst way possible. Now that I look back on it, I realize it is unfair to get involved with a single person when you are commited to someone else. The excitement and attraction can be addicting and before you know it you and the other person are in way too deep!!! My OM was single as I take it yours is. And quiet honestly things went okay until he had feelings for me that went deeper than the physical. I think it must be very scary for a single person to feel so deeply for someone who is commited to another person. I am sure he didn't mean to treat you badly, but maybe he was just scared and unsure of what the outcome would be and wanted to pull away before he got too emotionally attached to you!!
Keep your chin up, you are sounding very strong!!!
Karry
Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige
I know you are hurting very badly. I am hoping to shed a different perspective on your story. I have been both married and now divorced (i.e. single) during my longterm affair. During my marriage it sucked not being with MM. But, it was *nothing* compared to how much it sucks being single with MM (same one). It is not fair. Your OM tried to back out and you pursued him anyway. I know that he may have been kind of wimpy in the way he let go - but, men aren't always the most suave when it comes to matters of the heart. I think you must back off and ask yourself how well you are treating him. I don't mean whether or not you are nice to him and say nice things, etc. I mean whether or not you are treating him with respect by respecting his wishes. Also, maybe this guy just doesn't want to get beat up by your husband if he found out about the affair. Actually, this guy sounds kind of smart to me. I wish I had been that smart 5 years ago. I don't think he is treating you like a whore. I think you should look at it that he is treating himself with respect and dignity. He realized he made a mistake (being in an affair - not being with you, per se). He is trying desperately to correct his mistake. Let him do it. You can't have any type of relationship with one person not wanting the relationship. IMHO, I don't think he treated you that badly...I think you got out easy. I know he was your friend...but, what is happening with your marriage? Any luck there?
Just speaking from all my gory affair experience, I think this guy is way more mature than me...at least smarter. He got away early on. It may not have been the ending that you needed - but, at least he ended it. Please don't knock him for it - I don't think he intended to insult you by it. In fact, I'm pretty confident he was thinking of his own survival at the time he made his decision. JMHO.
Bird
Just remember when the bad out ways the good it is time to go. I think you have your answer you are searching for you now just need to act upon it. I know it is easy to sit back and give advice all day. You have friends on here that will support you in what you want to do and that is the important thing.
Now go do the right thing Cowboy....
Yes, my OM is single. You said yours was, so I take it you are married. How is your marriage? Do you know why you had an affair? Did your SG end your affair or did you? I would like to know more about your situation. My SG is known by everyone to lie, you know those stupid lies to make himself look better that make no sense. Like when I got a new car he said oh I have one like that too, I don't drive it, I park it in storage (yeah right). So I never know what is the truth with him. He said he was getting attached and since he ran every time we had sex it does make some sense. He is so afraid of my H..that I do know to be true. So since he won't talk to me, I'm putting it all together in my head to make myself feel better anyway. I feel very played. He started this whole thing. He knew I was married from day one. So I don't understand, didn't he know he would be freaked, or did it get more serious than he every wanted. Why is it so easy for him to have NC and ignore my e-mails and I'm having such a hard time. I'm the one who has someone else. This makes no sense to me. Is it like this for you? If you have time to post, let me know more about your situation. I have a hard time finding MW who have had an A with a SG. Thanks, C
Taken from "Addiction and Recovery" pamphlet from SLAA, copyright 1990
Characteristics of Sex and Love Addiction:
-having few healthy boundaries, we become sexually involved with and /or emotionally attached to people without knowing them
-we confuse love with neediness, physical and sexual attraction, pity and/or the need to rescue or be rescued
-we become immobilized or seriously distracted by romantic or sexual obsessions or fantasies
-we assign magical qualities to others. We idealize and pursue them, then blame them for not fulfilling our expectations
-fearing abandonement and lonliness we stay in and return to painful, destructive relationships, concealing our depoendency needs from from ourselfves and others, growing more isolated and alienated from friends and loved ones, ourselves and God.
Sorry it took so long to get back to you. I have had no time to lurk the last few days. I find being busy helps me to feel happier and look at my life in a brighter light. Yes I am married. We have been married for almost 8 years and together for over 11. We have a young daughter (3) who I struggled to get pregnant with. I guess I share all of this with you so that you know what factors are in my life. I work part time in order to be home for the most part with my daughter. My husband is basically a nice man but through the years that we have been together, I have grown up and he has not. My H is a habitual liar (and you know from your OM's lies how difficult that can be to deal with) and it has had a major effect on our marriage, not to mention his low libido. But I am committing myself to this marriage and trying a little while longer. I have some goals I want to accomplish before I end our marriage if that is what it leads up to.
So that is the background that kind of led to my affair. My OM did similiar things as what yours did, not in the beginning, but after he formed an attachment. He let me know that he was holding back for fear that I would never leave my marriage. I can completely understand that now, but at the time I was frustrated because I felt that my reason for sitting on the fence was his lack of "wanting" me...if that makes sense. I know now that if he had pledged his undying love for me, I still may not have left for fear of the unknown, and that may be a huge mistake, but not something I choose to dwell on.
I definetely understand your feelings of being played. I felt like that during much of my relationship with OM. I couldn't understand why he was so cruel to me and how he could so easily be over me while I still pined away for him. I think it may be a difference in men and women maybe. And you never know what people are actually feeling. As far as why we still miss them while we are the ones who have someone else, I think it can be because we still have something missing that led us to affairs to begin with. Sorry this is so rambling, I must be in one of those moods!! Feel free to e-mail me if you want: kwi2928130@aol.com
Karry
Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige