When did you know it was time to end?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
When did you know it was time to end?
14
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 8:40pm
I'm just wondering...for all you who ended your EMA - when did you know it was time to end it? I have been involved in EMA for about 9 mos. Lately, I feel that I've been in way too deep emotionally. Not sure what MM feels. We have great Sex :) - but, that's about it. We don't go out..have lunch, anything. I'm so afraid all the time that he is going to end it - I drive myself crazy with overthinking...I've been thinking, maybe I just need to end it and move on. Although, I can' imagine him not in my life.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 11:37pm
Hi Ducks:

I'm about where you are: torturing myself, can't imagine him not in my life (truly).

But, and it's a big one, the never doing anything: shopping, hanging around the house, going to movies, anything normal, is feeling really bad to me. I don't know about you but my MM is not particularly romantic in the classis sense: notes, flowers, gifts. He does call constantly, says I love you, is gorgeous, manly, sexy, smart. But I bum out (and tell him) that it's not "normal" that we've never been away together. I'm sorry to say we've never even spent a night together. What is normal in these situations I guess??

I'm looking for the sign that I should go cold turkey. Haven't recognized it yet (or wanted to...).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 7:28am
You say you can't imagine him not in your life... yet the only thing you say the two of you share is great sex. Would you want to spend your life with this man? Do you have conversations about your feelings and dreams and interests? Do you laugh and have fun together or is it just a sexual attraction? Not that any of these other things are reasons not to end it... I had great sex AND all these other aspects, yet I decided I was worth more than just to be someone's play toy. He had no real intention of spending his life with me, and I could no longer justify my motives for being in the relationship. He was there for me when he could be, not neccessarily when I needed him to be. Maybe make a list of things you need in your life to be happy (couple-wise)- and see how many this guy is fulfilling. If you were to call him despondent and crying, would he find a way to come and comfort you? Would he stand up and defend you if needed, or would he throw you under the bus to save himself if you two got caught? Is he really worth your time? I hope this helped some. Best wishes, and love to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 8:17am
Hi Ducks and Panama. I am kind of fence-sitting also. On the one hand, I enjoy time with MM, but its all about the sex. We don't do lunch or anything else like that either. Conversations start about how are you, the kids, etc. but quickly excelerate to sexual discussions.

I got into this with my eyes open, I knew it was to be a physical relationship.

But when you aren't getting the payback you want for what you're doing, I think that's the time to evaluate the situation.

Like me, I haven't heard from him for over a week now. Sure, I know he had some out of town business trips. But he could have emailed me inbetween just to say hi.

Now today I am sitting here and trying to decide if I will answer him back if or when he contacts me.

He put me thru a long NC (8 weeks total NC) this fall and it was hell. But towards the end I was thinking I could finally get thru the day without thinking about him, then he gets ahold of me again!! Apologizes a little, then we're right back into our usual routine. But I think I hardened my heart after that time. Before that, I would probably have said that I kind of loved him. After that, I would be more cautious about my feelings.

I can honestly say I don't love him. But then again, I don't know if I love H anymore either.

Or any man for that matter.

Its a down day for me.

Dusty

xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 8:22am
Gee with all that I didn't answer your question, how do you know when its time to end it?

I think you gradually get to that point. I am working towards it right now. Its just a feeling of, if I see him great, if I don't, oh well. I'm getting so used to not hearing from him for periods of time. And there is no declarations of love or real affection or anything. So I think that it may be soon that I end it. And probably by just losing contact with him gradually. I probably wouldn't tell him that's the end, but just gradually take myself out of the picture. Good luck to you ladies,

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 8:25am
Well, we were both married to others and seeing each other, very regularly, for a little over 2 years. He started putting the plans to end his marriage in motion; i.e. apartment hunting, filing for divorce, telling the wife and family its over and he's moving on with me, all with the expectation that I was doing the same. I told him I wanted a life with him, I certainly loved him very much. But when push came to shove, I had to admit that I wasn't ready to end my marriage. Period. I don't know why, and I didn't necessarily commit to making my marriage work. I just knew that I was fooling him and myself by thinking I could end my marriage.

I didn't want to end the A, it was very satisfying physically and emotionally for both of us. I ended it because I began to see my actions as very selfish. I couldn't allow him to get further emotionally invested in a future with me once I admitted in my heart that I didn't want to end my marriage.

Only you will know when that switch turns on. I know for me, I had a definite awakening and realized that I was causing harm, which was never my intent. Best of luck to you!

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 10:51am
i knew it was time to end my XMA after my XMM came home from a trip to Italy with his family and he told me "it was a real spiritual revivial" that "the bonding with my wife was incredible" and "that the trip made me realize all i have that i don't want to lose."

That was enough for me. Of course, he didn't understand how or why i would end it after receiving those words in an email. We have stayed in contact--still love one another--but both of us are still working on letting it go and working toward more and more NC.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 12:29pm


I know what you are talking about. MM told me this week that wife came to his bed on Sunday and they "made love". It was too much for me to cope with. I felt sick to my stomach. We have been together for three and a half years and when he said those words something inside of me changed. My plan is to try and slowly remove myself from the A. We have known each other for 20 years and we have gone from lovers to friends before and I know we can do it again. I just have to stick to the boundaries. I know that he will never be out of my life for good but I am hoping I will be strong enough to get out of the A.

SAM

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 3:40pm
OOOOOHHHHH SAM... {BIG HUGS TO YOU} That's awful what your MM told you. Gosh, these guys just make me sick to my stomach sometimes. I wish I had a huge, black frying pan (SMAAAACK!) upside the head... thank you, that felt better. It's bad enough that they cheat on their wives and string another person along... but, to say that to you. That was totally uncalled for and way more information than you needed to know. And, the previous post about the MM's trip to Italy and having a spiritual experience... PAHllleeease, gag me. Yeah, did it make him sooooo spiritually clean that he spilled his guts to W about his extra-marital activities... I think NOT!!! My MM's anniversary is this weekend. I asked him what he was getting his W (couldn't help my masochistic self). He told me money (yeah, right). I said, 'that was more than I got'. I know, my comment was mean. He said, "I got you something - but didn't give it to you yet". Huh??? The anniversary date was the other day. I told him not to lie. He said, "OK, well I was going to get you something". @$$hole. It has been 5 yrs the other day with us...it's not an anniversary. They are so fooling themselves. My MM brought it up a couple of weeks ago that it will be 5 years. I said, "don't remind me". An affair is so cheap and demeaning. I told him I would have gotten him a card but Hallmark didn't have any that said, "Thank you from the bottom of my heart for allowing me to cheat on your wife with you for the past five years". He didn't think that was funny. I am fast approaching the "this is sick and twisted" phase and I have absolutely no more optimism. I just need to ultimately pull the plug. You will too. It's just that I'm in the Affair Special Ed class (as old-timers here can surely attest), with it going on 5 years. It's all sick and I don't think it can ever be right and healthy. I wanted it to - but, it never will.

To answer the 'when is it time to end' question? I have no idea. I'm still trying 5 years into the affair. I guess I've come to the conclusion that it ends when you want it to. It ends in a way that you choose (at least the initiation of it). The torment ends when you've finally had enough of either a bad affair or a bad marriage and can't take another day. I ended my bad marriage... now it's time for the affair. It ends when the hatred we feel towards MM either turns to apathy or stronger than our love. It ends when we start liking ourselves more and disliking MM. It ends when we can actually envision a life without them. It starts ending when we really start to feel sorry for the W and don't envy her anymore.

It ends when we start believing with our whole hearts that we are worth so much more.

Bird

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 4:38pm
I will never forget last spring, the first time i realized my XMM had made love with his wife over the weekend. They don't have much of a sexual life, which frustrates him, but he told me: we were talking and then we started fooling around. . . and i also just couldn't take that. He often told me too much about his relationship with her--he doesn't anymore, thank goodness.

I am having s** more frequently with my H these days. This after 17 years of once a year relations. Go figure.

But i do remember that day, thinking that she really had him, could be with him anytime she wanted. I got over it in time. I know that s** with me would be much better, so i guess (LOL) i take some solice in that.

These are such complicated entanglements we have. I mean, they are married! They should be having s**! But still. . . it's so complicated.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 4:42pm
I recently ended it for the SECOND time with the same MM. We started nine years ago and Part I went on for six years. On our "anniversary" he brought me six roses and the significance of the flowers hit me like a ton of bricks! Was this to go on like this for ANOTHER six years?!?!?!

Our A had had all the wonderful things of a true love affair, the intimacy both emotionally and physically. We traveled together, he had to for work, I was free to *visit my sister* in another state. We had our special times, our signals and our secrets. He told me he would divorce when the kids (two teens) were grown and they could handle it. I believed him.

In 2001 I told him I wanted more, I wanted a real relationship, one not hidden behind closed doors. He couldn't do it just yet, upset his kids he said. Oh well, then. It's over. Lots of tears on both sides.

A year went by. I was dating someone else. I saw him. I melted. We felt all those old feelings again. When we were talking about starting again, I made it clear that this would not be like before, that I wanted to know we were working toward our future. He promised.

A couple weeks ago, after another year-plus of seeing him, I confronted him to tell me the truth. *Tell me if you plan to get a D or not,* I demanded. The kids are now in college and he is still unable to upset them. That was all I needed to know. My dreams of our future were over.

Yes, I should have known better. I just hoped the love we had could grow into something real and be the enduring relationship I always wanted. I was never first in his life and never would be. I knew what I wanted and I came to terms with the fact that he could / would not be part of that picture. That's how I knew it was time to finish it for good.

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