When did you know it was time to end it?
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| Sun, 01-02-2005 - 9:14pm |
I can't believe I'm even here asking this question. I have been in an A w/a MM for over 1 1/2 years. We are the best of friends, have great S** and have a connection that I have ever honestly never found with anyone else (even my H) I can't imagine him not in my life in the capacity he is in. No, we can never be "just friends"
I have been soul searching this past week - knowing that this will never go any further than what it is (he has made it clear that he will never leave because of the kids) and wondering, if in fact, my R with him his hindering me fixing the issues in my own M. I feel like I get on a treadmill and just run in the same circle over and over again. Things are great with MM, then they aren't. He wants to buy a place with me in 10 years, then he's telling me intimate details about thier sex life. Sometimes, I wonder if it's just easier to go back to my mundane life, try to work on my M and be the best Mommy I can.
so..when did you know it was time to end??

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When do you not know?
I think we all know/knew all along we should end it, but just didn't have the strength. Finally one day you realize, being strong is the only way to save yourself and you dig just a little bit deeper and you do it. You have to.
Hiya Ducks,
<<>>
When I started wondering when or if I'd *know* when it was time to end it once & for all.
When I remembered that love is supposed to enrich your life rather than parasitically suck out the good bits and leave the rest behind.
When I figured out that if it had to be kept secret, it was probably something I ought to be ashamed of even if I didn't have the sense then to feel shame.
When I looked around at all pain & potential pain I was causing or could cause.
When I surveyed the carnage I'd left behind in my wake.
When I couldn't even really remember why it was I'd wanted this so badly in the first place, I just knew that I *needed.*
When I stood there & listened to him say terribly cruel things to his long-term partner (not married but as good as), blaming his DP for the affair & everything that had gone wrong in his life and even going so far as to say that our child (1yr old at the time) was the child of his heart and telling her how we'd planned her with such love & hope while their child (one month old newborn at the time) had been "a bit of an oopsie" but "all right now she's here..."
And in that moment, ducks, I knew beyond question that if he walked out the door with me as planned, then my fate would one day come full circle - I'd simply be swapping shoes with his DP. One day it would be my fault that everything had gone wrong in his life, one day it would be me who no longer "made" him happy, one day I'd be the one checking for stray hairs on his collar & checking cellphone records and secret email accounts, and one day another woman might well knock on MY door pushing a stroller with a child in it that he'd fathered in MY bed.
So I walked. I told him his DP and one month old baby needed him (a baby he'd not thought it important enough to mention to me, the mother of his first child, since he'd lied about them being over and having sex) much more than I did. And I kept walking.
Yes, like everyone else here I backslid. At first I kidded myself we could be friends and be civil at least for the sake of our child. Neither of us could go back to just friends since we'd overstepped that mark nearly 4yrs earlier. And he couldn't do "being civil" because he was no longer in the driving seat nor did I allow him any illusion of control anymore.
Because it's the kindest, most loving thing I can do for BOTH exOM & I as *well* as showing respect for my DH & exOM's DP, I've maintained strict NC since the end of May 04. During this time my husband and I have reconciled, attended MC (since we were friends even during our long separation, DH has always been a big part of my now 2yr old DD's life) and are rather happily actively working on rebuilding our marriage.
My individual counselling has been ongoing since January 04 and it's there I've learned the how's & why's I made the choices & decisions I made and have gained the beginnings of self-awareness. It's hard work, ducks, and it's not pleasant looking at all the pain & hurt I've caused by failing to consider anyone else but myself when acting on my choices and decisions. Ignoring it won't make it go away and I certainly discovered the hard way that the quick-fix actually fixes nothing and only added to my pre-existing problems.
My incentive is my beautiful 2yr old daughter. If I don't break this vicious circle, then it's my daughter who's doomed to live the same life I've lived. The buck stops here, with me. For me, and for my daughter. I'm stepping right up to that plate, ducks.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Ducks
When you start asking that question it's time.
Ducks,
<<<
"the only feelings I have left for him are pity."
why do you have pity feelings for him??
<<<>>>
Once I removed the affair goggles, I was able to see him as the man he really is. He's a coward, a manipulator, a liar, encapable of accepting accountibility for his affair and/or unhappy marriage, etc., and I just happen to find that pitiable.
Some people have the ability to let go and move on, while others enjoy staying stuck.
~True~
so..when did you know it was time to end??
When you can no longer look at yourself in the mirror because you have lost every shred of self-respect...
When you begin to deceive yourself into believing lies that you both share...lies about a future that will never/could never be...
When you realize that you are with someone who belongs to another...
When the guilt of this R becomes so great that it ultimately consumes you....
When the tears finally out weight the smiles....
You will know...actually, you already do...
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