When did you know it was time to end?
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When did you know it was time to end?
| Wed, 03-24-2004 - 8:40pm |
I'm just wondering...for all you who ended your EMA - when did you know it was time to end it? I have been involved in EMA for about 9 mos. Lately, I feel that I've been in way too deep emotionally. Not sure what MM feels. We have great Sex :) - but, that's about it. We don't go out..have lunch, anything. I'm so afraid all the time that he is going to end it - I drive myself crazy with overthinking...I've been thinking, maybe I just need to end it and move on. Although, I can' imagine him not in my life.

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I'm about where you are: torturing myself, can't imagine him not in my life (truly).
But, and it's a big one, the never doing anything: shopping, hanging around the house, going to movies, anything normal, is feeling really bad to me. I don't know about you but my MM is not particularly romantic in the classis sense: notes, flowers, gifts. He does call constantly, says I love you, is gorgeous, manly, sexy, smart. But I bum out (and tell him) that it's not "normal" that we've never been away together. I'm sorry to say we've never even spent a night together. What is normal in these situations I guess??
I'm looking for the sign that I should go cold turkey. Haven't recognized it yet (or wanted to...).
I got into this with my eyes open, I knew it was to be a physical relationship.
But when you aren't getting the payback you want for what you're doing, I think that's the time to evaluate the situation.
Like me, I haven't heard from him for over a week now. Sure, I know he had some out of town business trips. But he could have emailed me inbetween just to say hi.
Now today I am sitting here and trying to decide if I will answer him back if or when he contacts me.
He put me thru a long NC (8 weeks total NC) this fall and it was hell. But towards the end I was thinking I could finally get thru the day without thinking about him, then he gets ahold of me again!! Apologizes a little, then we're right back into our usual routine. But I think I hardened my heart after that time. Before that, I would probably have said that I kind of loved him. After that, I would be more cautious about my feelings.
I can honestly say I don't love him. But then again, I don't know if I love H anymore either.
Or any man for that matter.
Its a down day for me.
Dusty
I think you gradually get to that point. I am working towards it right now. Its just a feeling of, if I see him great, if I don't, oh well. I'm getting so used to not hearing from him for periods of time. And there is no declarations of love or real affection or anything. So I think that it may be soon that I end it. And probably by just losing contact with him gradually. I probably wouldn't tell him that's the end, but just gradually take myself out of the picture. Good luck to you ladies,
Dusty
I didn't want to end the A, it was very satisfying physically and emotionally for both of us. I ended it because I began to see my actions as very selfish. I couldn't allow him to get further emotionally invested in a future with me once I admitted in my heart that I didn't want to end my marriage.
Only you will know when that switch turns on. I know for me, I had a definite awakening and realized that I was causing harm, which was never my intent. Best of luck to you!
That was enough for me. Of course, he didn't understand how or why i would end it after receiving those words in an email. We have stayed in contact--still love one another--but both of us are still working on letting it go and working toward more and more NC.
Clarice
I know what you are talking about. MM told me this week that wife came to his bed on Sunday and they "made love". It was too much for me to cope with. I felt sick to my stomach. We have been together for three and a half years and when he said those words something inside of me changed. My plan is to try and slowly remove myself from the A. We have known each other for 20 years and we have gone from lovers to friends before and I know we can do it again. I just have to stick to the boundaries. I know that he will never be out of my life for good but I am hoping I will be strong enough to get out of the A.
SAM
To answer the 'when is it time to end' question? I have no idea. I'm still trying 5 years into the affair. I guess I've come to the conclusion that it ends when you want it to. It ends in a way that you choose (at least the initiation of it). The torment ends when you've finally had enough of either a bad affair or a bad marriage and can't take another day. I ended my bad marriage... now it's time for the affair. It ends when the hatred we feel towards MM either turns to apathy or stronger than our love. It ends when we start liking ourselves more and disliking MM. It ends when we can actually envision a life without them. It starts ending when we really start to feel sorry for the W and don't envy her anymore.
It ends when we start believing with our whole hearts that we are worth so much more.
Bird
I am having s** more frequently with my H these days. This after 17 years of once a year relations. Go figure.
But i do remember that day, thinking that she really had him, could be with him anytime she wanted. I got over it in time. I know that s** with me would be much better, so i guess (LOL) i take some solice in that.
These are such complicated entanglements we have. I mean, they are married! They should be having s**! But still. . . it's so complicated.
Clarice
Our A had had all the wonderful things of a true love affair, the intimacy both emotionally and physically. We traveled together, he had to for work, I was free to *visit my sister* in another state. We had our special times, our signals and our secrets. He told me he would divorce when the kids (two teens) were grown and they could handle it. I believed him.
In 2001 I told him I wanted more, I wanted a real relationship, one not hidden behind closed doors. He couldn't do it just yet, upset his kids he said. Oh well, then. It's over. Lots of tears on both sides.
A year went by. I was dating someone else. I saw him. I melted. We felt all those old feelings again. When we were talking about starting again, I made it clear that this would not be like before, that I wanted to know we were working toward our future. He promised.
A couple weeks ago, after another year-plus of seeing him, I confronted him to tell me the truth. *Tell me if you plan to get a D or not,* I demanded. The kids are now in college and he is still unable to upset them. That was all I needed to know. My dreams of our future were over.
Yes, I should have known better. I just hoped the love we had could grow into something real and be the enduring relationship I always wanted. I was never first in his life and never would be. I knew what I wanted and I came to terms with the fact that he could / would not be part of that picture. That's how I knew it was time to finish it for good.
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