when do the days get better?????
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| Fri, 06-25-2004 - 1:22pm |
As I think about my X's D. His W asked for it in Jan and it was awful. She called me verbally abusive- told all her friends these horrible things and although it threw him for a loop- it made things easier. His friends rallied around him and her friends rallied around her. I went through 5 months of helping him-- mostly just listening. I was just there for him and did not judge the situation-- thought I was being mature. I could kick myslef for not flying down- but I did not want to chance W figuring out about us. We dated 20+ years ago and he broke up with me while I was away for a year and soon after M her. She at one point during their D said- he should have married me...
Anyway- now I am at the beginnign of my D/separation. It is so hard not to have him there to talk to and confide in and share things with. My parents do not understand why I am doing this-- to them there is nothing so terrible that I should leave. It is so hard to explain-- I am just so unhappy...and part of the problem is that I am unhappy about so many things. I feel guilty that what hurts the most is losing my X. I have loved him for over 20 years and the last 3 1/2 years have been so wonderful. We have not seen each other in awhile(except for 2 weeks ago when I flew down and basically just hung out for a few hours- could not rant and rave, just had a nice visit)...but have talked 3-4 times a week and always had plans...
Sometimes I think - why on earth would God let my heart be broken by the same man in a similar way (over the phone, out of the blue) 20 years later. It seems so cruel. No one should go through this once in a lifetime-- but to go through it with the same man 20 years later id crazy. I can't tell my friends and family what is going on- they would definitley not understand. I sit here thinking how could I be so stupid. I thought we had it all- best friends, incredible physical relationship, easy to be with and just hang out, playful and fun, respect, and the ability to get through so many difficult things over the past 20 years- first as friends then as lovers. So as I think about this sudden ending-- it makes no sense.
I still have not let go-- I think -- how can I maintain the contact-- if he only sees me he will see we are meant to be. I know living alone without the kids is hard for him. I had encouraged him to get out and do things. He realized he had lots of friends and people to do things with. I think he was feeling lonely and wanted companionship-- although he won't admit this. I could understand if he said he needed to have a real relationship with someone there day to day...and that the LD was too much. He would not say that-- all he could say was that it wasn't one thing but alot of little things that finally made him realize it would not work. Over the past 20 years- he was in love with me; then he said he convinced himself he was not in love with me and shut the door and M his W; then he realized he had never stopped loving me and wrote this note to me about 4 years ago; then 3 weeks ago he tells me he was not in love with me; it is so incredibly difficult to understand.
Right now I am fighting every urge to call him- today he cleans his house and does all the busy work. I feel like a part of me has died and it hurt so incredibly much. He is my best friend and someone I was completely in love with...why did this happen to me again??? Oh god it hurts so much.
tb

Just hang in there and try to have faith that you will start feeling better. It will be hard at first. You'll have a good day and think that you are on your way, and you may take a couple of steps back again. But don't give up on yourself and the things in your life (besides xMM) that make YOU happy. As for your D, I really hope it gives you a feeling of freedom, and to experience new and different things. It's time to start taking care of YOU!
Today is a weird day for me. I didn't accomplish much. I wasn't going to post, but thought I'd type a bit.
I so love listening to music, but I have to be careful. Many many songs trigger fond memories with my xMM.
The last email I received from my xMM was about a week ago. He sounded very angry, and sad. I didn't like that he blamed my H for "keeping us apart." I don't agree with that. What is keeping us apart, is the very foundation in which we created our relationship. *whispering* "The Secret" of it all.
He wants to remain "friends," but I don't see any type of friendship we built together. Maybe in the early days--yes--I can honestly say there was a friendship, but along the way it was lost--lost among jealousy, envy, and mistrust.
*sighing*
Thanks for letting me share, ~ifm
p.s. Just reread this post--yikes--I sound all gloomy--sorry 'bt that!
I am coming out of lurkdom because your story sounds similar to mine. I was married once to my XMM ... 27 years ago. At that time, we met, fell head over heals in love, married within 10 months. Then he decided he didn't want to be married anymore and started cheating on me and abandoned me. I had no choice but to file for D and our marriage lasted only 6 months. I was devastated.
Then, about 8 years ago, he began contact and we rekindled our romance. I don't know what I was thinking when I chose to participate with XMM, especially after what I'd gone thru with him 27 years ago. I never stopped loving him and I guess I thought things would be different this time around. He had married and still is and had 2 children and I am now married for 21 years. I was ready to leave my H. I think what happened is that he panicked when my H began to get suspicious. MM did not want to have any part in being the reason for me leaving H or my marriage ending. So he suddenly changed his e-mail address and stopped contact with me. Again, I was devastated. Probably even moreso this time. It's now been 14 months since I've seen him and over 8 months of NC. I still think of him every single day but I know that he did the right thing.
I really believe that if you're going through a D, you should handle it yourself, get your life in order, then see how things go from there. Your X, just going through his own D has realized a lot of things. He's been through a lot and still is and he has to handle it by himself.
In hindsight, I realize that my A with XMM was just a fantasy world. If we had ended up together, our relationship would have become mundane, just like a lot of marriages do. It's impossible to keep up that feeling of being madly in love. It just doesn't last, in my opinion. And I don't know if I could have forgiven myself for tearing my H apart, and losing my home that I'd worked so hard for. I definately would have felt terribly guilty if he were to break up his home because of me. I never want to be a cause of that. Maybe your X feels similar in that your A played a big part in the reason he divorced and perhaps he is carrying around a load of guilt because of this.
It will get better but it takes a long time. It took about 4 or 5 months before that weight felt lifted from my chest. But in the mean time, you must be spiritually present for your 5 year old. You've got to take care of your own business right now and be strong. I know it's got to be so hard for you. My heart goes out to you.
A good book that I read really helped because it was truthful and for me, the truth can be a comfort. It's called "Eros and Pathos, Shades of Love and Suffering" by Aldo Carotenuto. He is a Jungian analyst. This book delves into all of the feelings that one experiences in a time like this. For me, it really helped.
Good luck to you.
Torn
Good luck to you,
True
Bingo. Also I believe that if we don't learn or extract the purpose for a lesson we were supposed to have learned, we will repeat it over and over again, with the same disheartening results. I have NEVER been lucky in love. Oh yeah, for a while everything seems wonderful, those first few months of bliss, but long term? Nope. Old patterns return and once again I was blaming everyone else but myself for things that didn't work out.(((Well, that was the old me))))
We ARE our own worst enemy. We need to look "WITHIN" ourself for the answers we seek. WE are the ones who complicate our lives, not others. Letting go of the things that are NOT working will make room for the things that will. I've just recently seen this play out in my life to the point of amazement...
Jesse, you offered up some insightful wisdoms, and I hope all readers will take to heart to what you have offered from yours....
True
I do some consulting-- and one of the things I had to do was form this board which will meet 4 times a year. People come from all over so the company let me choose where the meetings would be held-- so I completely forgot-- but 3 meetings are in his town and one is on an island where he also has a meeting the same time. At the time when I arranged this, it seemed like a great idea. We were finally going to be together and neither of us would be attached. I thought the idea of flying down there and having meetigns and then being able to stay with him was great. He had this meeting on one of the islands and I thought I could just arrange my meeting there too. I was going to tell him when everything was set. It never occurred to me that this would happen. Now I am stuck going to where he is 4 times in the next year-- once at an island at the same hotel for a week. Boy- I am so stupid...I am an adult who now is in panic mode and I desparately want to change these meetings...I got my tickets sent to me for the first meeting in a few weeks and suddenly realized what I had done...what am I going to do? I am suppose to be a professional...and now feel like a fool. Has this ever happened to anyone???
I have not told him and I figure he would not understand why I would be so upset. It seems like things only get worse for me instead of better. How could I be so stupid??
I just got back form visiting my parents and they still think H and I should continue ot work on things. They do not want me to be alone in life...I tried to tell them I just want to be happy-- I would rather be happy than be in a M where we both are unhappy. Again - it is hard to explain things as it happens over years and I know to them this is a surprise. I wish I could just rant and rave and tell them what a jerk H is...but I can't. He is a good person and a great dad...we just do not get along and haven't for years. It is so much easier when something bad happens-- then there is a reason.
My sister asked me tonight if there was someone else?? I told her no-- which is true at this point. I am not sure what I would have said if my X and I were still together. She has know that things are going down hill for a long time so is not surprised at all. She is sad-- and wishes it was different, but knows that it is how it is. She lives about 1000 miles away and I could call her if I wanted -- but I can't tell her about my X.
I wish to god I never met my X-- too much pain and heartache. I have never allowed someone to get that close and truly see who I am. I felt so comfortable with him and our relationship and he was so willing to be himself and let me be myself. I thought he loved me for me....ugh...it has to stop soon!!!!!
tb