when do you get back the loving feeling?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
when do you get back the loving feeling?
3
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 8:03am

well, i have realized now that my A is over. om and I are just social friends who see each other at parties each with our respective spouses.

even if it is not what i want, i am no longer in the denial stage. its over and he doesnt want to talk with me or text me anymore.

however, i am not a happy person.

things with DH are just there. i dont feel any love for him. i dont have the excitement of looking forward to seeing him or being with him.

i have stayed in the relationship because i dont want to mess up the lives of my two kids. even if i know we would both work for what is best for them, i know it would not be the same.

to fill my gap, i have taken up shopping and remodeling every part of the house. but in the end deep inside i am not happy.

do you ever get back a loving feeling for DH or do you just learn to live with what you have got?

please let me know what worked for you guys...

thanks
upsidedown

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 11:17am

I was lucky b/c I never stopped loving my H. as mauch as i cared for MM I always knew I loved H. It was H who I wasnt sure really loved or wanted to be with me and I am still not 100% but anyway.

What I have tried to do os really remember how things were in the beginning with my H. When it was new and exciting. Look at pictures..read old cards. Remember a time when i was so happy to just be near him. It really has helped!

Good luck. I am here to listen if you need me.

Bria

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 12:06pm

Hey ups,

I am in this stage of my post-A recovery too. I tend to lurk anymore, but I'll jump in and share some of the things that have worked for me.

I do love my hubby, but at the high point of my A, I was ready for him to just go away. I didn't want him to touch, talk or look at me. I was mad at him because he was part of the reason I wasn't with xMM. I know, idiotic logic, but that's what I thought at the time.

After the A bubble finally burst, I looked around and my H was the only one who was still around trying to make me feel better. I had pretty much alienated friends/family at that point.

So, I decided to start dating him again. I started the whole process with a weekend love-in, child free. Lots of talking, going out for dinner, glasses of wine, walking and holding hands, necking and lots and lots of love making.

That was a hard weekend because I was still feeling cold toward him so I had to force some things, but eventually it gets easier. The closness and intimacy are worth it. I would just bury my nose in his neck and remember how good he smelled. Or give him big hugs, IN PUBLIC, and love the feeling of somebody holding me back.

I made him sign up for IM and I send him quick I love you's or links to stories, etc. all day long. I make a point to call him at least twice a day and remind him that I love him. My xMM was a big communicator, so I really missed the e-mail, voicemail, etc. My H is getting better at that. I just had to prompt him a little.

I looked up some new "techniques" to use in the bedroom and we started have "experiment" night. I really look forward to those now!

I made him promise to kiss me goodbye and hello everyday. I'm a very affectionate person, which transferred to xMM for a while. I was surprised at how little contact I actually had with my H, post-A.

It does get better. I fell in love with him for a reason, I just had to remind myself of what that was. He's such a good man, honest, hard-working. He's a great father too. Why wouldn't I love him?

I wish there were a quick fix I could offer. This is a tough time. I often thought it would be better to just leave than stick around not caring. I'm glad I stayed. I'm much happier for it and every day gets better.

Good luck! I hope you find that lovin' feeling!

~Shel

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 12:51pm

Shel

Great advice. It helped reading it. Great ideas that I want to try.

Thanks for sharing!

Bria