When Does The Dreaming, Fantasizing End?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
When Does The Dreaming, Fantasizing End?
16
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 12:45pm
It's been exactly 3 months now of NC. It seems like 12 months. But I still think of him all the time, in all the wrong ways. Usually first thing in the morning in bed and last thing at night in bed. With a few times in between. I fantasize about our times together and dream of more. I hate this. I really try hard not to think of him. Or to stay angry enough to not think of him in a good way. I am so tired of thinking of him but can't seem to stop.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 2:40pm
There's no set time limit on this kind of thing, but it will eventually end.

I was in the affair for a little over two years. It's been 7 months since we were together and even then I was wanting it to be over. I had been trying to end it for months but I just couldn't seem to let it go. I craved the attention, basically. But things had gotten better in my marriage and I didn't want to keep cheating.

So that was that. The end. He took it badly, but it was all about his need for something on the side, not about his need for me. I could have been anybody, and once I finally got that fact through my thick skull it was easy to leave it behind.

Now the whole thing is unthinkable. I look back and wonder what in the world I was thinking when I had the affair. It was all such a delusion. I thought I was "in love" and I made him out to be a much better man than he really was. I did what I did willingly so there's not a lot of anger there...I can't say he took advantage of me in any way because I was willing.

The same old story - I wanted love and attention, he wanted a piece on the side and believed that it didn't hurt anything if no one found out about it. Wrong. It took a toll on everyone even though they didn't know what was happening.

I prettied it up in my mind and now it's just repulsive.

So that's how the dreaming ended. I saw it for what it was and didn't like what I saw. That reality ended the fantasy. Now I can't even think about being with him without feeling queasy. Remorse has taken the place of any good feelings I had about it because there was nothing good about it. It was just cheap sex in a motel room, nothing more, no matter how hard I tried to romanticize it. And he wasn't a prince any more than I was a damsel in distress. Good sex? Oh yeah. But it wasn't worth it. It was degrading and I can't tell you how glad I am that it's over. I just wish it had never, ever happened.

Belle

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 2:48pm
Belle,

That was a wonderful article. I am going to keep re-reading it for future references. Currently, I am in NC (my affair was only online and emotional for a couple of months) and am trying to fall back in love with hubby.

Philly Girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 3:04pm
That is an EASY question!!! I love easy questions...

It never has to end if you don't want it to...fantasy is FINE. If you are talking about LONGING or OBSESSING over what went wrong, etc., then that stuff ends gradually as you accept that the relationship is over.

Trust me, it happens. I have been there in the past. I am getting there now too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 3:06pm
Philly, it can happen!

I won't bore you with all the details, but my husband and I were in a terrible place in our marriage. I was fed up and wanted out but felt trapped by our circumstances. Enter xMM - the big love.

The ONLY good thing that came out of the whole sorry mess what I finally felt like I had nothing to lose by telling my h that I needed for him to behave differently towards me. And he heard me and didn't want to lose me so he changed for the better.

I can honestly say that I've fallen back in love with him after 25 years of marriage. I hate what I've done and I won't blame my h for my sorry actions, but he's a different man now than he was then and I'm a different woman. We're working on our marriage with a renewed respect and value for one another. And I do love him more now than I did before.

So good for you - it can happen! I wish you all the love and luck in the world.

Belle

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 4:19pm
You are an inspiration... that is somehting that I needed to hear. MAking this idiot htat I would not normally date because I was making him out to be someone he isn't. Thank you. Thank you. Thank You.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 5:20pm
Belle and everyone, thanks for the reply. Belle, my H and I have also been married almost 25yr! I'm not at the point you are yet but hope to God I am someday. I am reluctantly trying with H but feel that there is not much hope. We probably need a lot of time to work on it but right now I feel I am definitely not "in love" with him and am still in love with XOM. But what good is that? He is miles away and out of my life. Thanks for the hope that something good can come out of this mess.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 5:36pm

I think you should pay close attention to what Bellle wrote. It rings very true.


All I can add is that when you have the inner strength to approach your husband about what's wrong, as did Belle, that you'll have your answer about your current reality (either H will listen and change or you're out the door) and with that answer the what-if's and yearnings for the happness experienced within your affair will now happen within your marriage or you can leave and have the life you truly want. Because, I believe that part of haiving affairs is an attempt to have the life we really want and don't have the courage to ask for in our marriages........


jmhoo,


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 5:51pm
AMEN to that!!!

I had such low expectations and my dear h gave me just what I asked for, which was nothing. I finally told him that I was looking at the next 25 years of my life and if it was going to be like this I wanted out. What did he have to do to keep me? Tell me he loved me, be less critical, find out if he had a problem sexually because I didn't believe that I did...

And bless his heart, he listened. He went to a doctor and found out he had almost no testosterone in his system so he started taking a hormone suppliment. Turned out that it changed him in so many ways besides the bedroom, which was the least of my issues although I must admit I had been hurt by years of his indifference to me sexually.

A male hormone imbalance causes depression, irritability, fatigue, loss of muscle tone. Once he started using the hormone he became a different person very quickly. Now there's a bounce in his step and a twinkle in his eye. I'm seeing the person I fell in love with years ago instead of an angry man who was old before his time.

So I got lucky. He didn't find out about the ema and therefore was spared all that pain. We are happier than we've been in years and he's giving me everything I asked for in a husband and mate. This has helped me put the OM behind me for once and for all because I am so touched by how my h has responded to what I wanted and in turn, I'm doing my best to be the wife he needs for me to be.

I just thank God that he's given us a second chance. What I had with the xOM pales by comparison with what I am finding in my renewed marriage with a man who is a better man than the xOM will ever be...

Belle

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 11:02pm
Belle,

Thanks for the prayer.

Philly Girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 11:07pm


Hi Belle

It is encouraging to read your post, especially when I am trying very hard now to rebuild my marriage.

My H and I stopped making love for more than 2 years. It started because we were trying for a baby and making love became such a stressful event that it took away all the pleasure and became a chore. My H was so stressed out that he suffered from performance anxiety while I just got tired of it all. When I later got involved in the A, I was unable to make love with my H anymore. I was simply unable to make love to more than one man at any one point in my life. Ironically, I felt that I was betraying XOM, and yet I was betraying my H.

I ended my A over the New Year and am trying very hard to rebuild my marriage while trying even harder to maintain NC with my XOM. But I feel that it is absolutely necessary for me to resume making love with my H in order to purge all memories of XOM from my mind. It has been very difficult. The first time I tried, I ended up crying (H didn't see / know) and stopped H in the middle of it all. We tried again last week and this time, it was much better. But I think I have a long way more to go before I can totally purge the momories of XOM from my mind. The problem is, I still can't forget XOM and still think about our intimate moments together. XOM was a very sensitive lover while H tends to focus on himself during love making. What can I do about this?

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