When Does The Dreaming, Fantasizing End?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
When Does The Dreaming, Fantasizing End?
16
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 12:45pm
It's been exactly 3 months now of NC. It seems like 12 months. But I still think of him all the time, in all the wrong ways. Usually first thing in the morning in bed and last thing at night in bed. With a few times in between. I fantasize about our times together and dream of more. I hate this. I really try hard not to think of him. Or to stay angry enough to not think of him in a good way. I am so tired of thinking of him but can't seem to stop.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 11:09am
This is exactly my problem. XOM and I had long, wonderful, fulfilling lovemaking that I never even knew I could have. H is fast, selfish and pretty insensitive. But right now I'm glad it's over with quickly because I am just thinking about XOM anyway and how it does not compare.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 11:53am
Tweetie, I did exactly the same thing and felt the same things. I had transfered my bond to the OM instead of my H so it felt like cheating when I was with my h. I wanted my h to be like xOM, make love to me like he did. I cried a couple of times during and after sex during that time period because I thought about the xOM and how it was with him and wanted it to be that way.

I don't know how or when, but eventually the feelings began to fade. There was one point where I made a mental decision to be as "into it" as I was with the OM and it made a difference in my attitude.

I realized that as long as I continued to fantasize and try to recall the memory of being with the OM I would continue to compare, judge, be dissatisfied. So I stopped thinking about it. Now I CAN'T think about it. It's like there's a mental block there, a wall, that keeps me from going there and I'm thankful.

But this was a process that covered a period of months, not days. And it didn't happen until I had completely closed the door to the possibility of staying in the affair, made it clear to the xOM that it was never going to happen again, and so on. Once I recommitted myself to the marriage and my husband mentally the physical followed.

Now I will be honest and say that yes, sex was better with the xOM, but I am forgetting. It gets easier every time my H and I are together.

Think about it - do you say the things, do the things with your husband to build him up that you did with the xOM? I didn't. Now I am and it makes a difference.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 1:13pm

May I suggest what worked for me and Sean?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Sat, 02-07-2004 - 12:19pm
months........... gee, looks like it's going to be a long journey ahead.

i wish i can adopt the attitude of "just getting the sex with h over and done with" like careful2, but i can't. i think that was one of the reason why i got into the A in the first place.

i had a very passionate relationship just prior to meeting H where the love making was very intense, on a physical as well as emotional level. but ex bf became abusive, both physically and emotionally, and then he threatened to kill me the day I walked out on him, by putting a knife to my throat for 8 hours straight. the whole experience freaked me out. when i eventually walked away from ex bf, he told me that I would never find someone who can satisfy me the way he did. and for a long while, i believed him. love making with H was never good to begin with. i told myself it didn't matter because H made me feel safe and secure, H was patient and kind, he was everything ex bf was not. but the truth is, it did matter, eventually. i tried not to think about it but knew that somehow, there was always something missing in my M, a missing link. H and I are good friends, but there isn't any intensity in our relationship, the intense emotional connection that one experiences during love making, when both parties submit totally to each other and during that moment, you feel like nothing else in this world matters except the love you share for one another. i don't really know how to explain this feeling, but it's not just the sex. it's the entire emotional experience.

i have experienced that feeling twice, and twice I had to walk away from it. i don't want to continue to ignore it since it was obviously one of the reason why i got into the A in the first place. if i continue to ignore it, the danger is that a few years down the road, I could find myself missing that feeling again... and getting into yet another messy situation. i really don't want to go down that road again. or perhaps i can go on in life and will myself not to think about it and hope that the problem will go away. but i'll be an ostrich and everyone knows that the problem doesn't go away just because the ostrich sticks its head into the ground. on the contrary, the ostrich probably exposes itself to greater danger in the process. i don't know. it's all too confusing for me at this stage.

but i do want to save my M and i think i have to work on this aspect of my relationship with H. h and i have always had a loving relationship based on friendship and companionship. romance or sex was never an important element in our relationship. the question is, how do i now suddenly change or tweak the dynamics of our relationship without him thinking that an alien has abducted me and substituted itself in my place??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-07-2004 - 1:48pm

Tweety, I'd be honest with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 11:00pm
It doesn't right away. It is like that evanescence song that begins with 'I'm so tired of being here'.... You have to keep busy and start fantasizing about someone else!!! You have to remind yourself that you are strong and that you WILL NOT let a man have power over you. Only you have the power!

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