WHEN does it get easier?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
WHEN does it get easier?
13
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 10:50am
I've posted a few times today and in my posts contained the current problem. Long story short, my ex-lover turned best friend, ended our friendship a week ago because he wants to rid himself of the guilt over our A and make his wife feel better. (Although he says maybe "someday" we can be friends).

What I want to know is, when does this get easier? I feel like I'm beyond devastation right now, over losing my best friend in the world. It's only been a week, but it's been the longest week of my life. I know the solution to the way I'm feeling...do other things, keep busy and distracted, etc. But it still doesn't stop my heart from hurting, or stop me from missing him so terribly. In fact, I feel like I want to email him write now to ask him to think about not completely severing our friendship. But I know it won't do any good. He will do it on his own time, or not at all. It just hurts so much, I want to feel better. I want to wake up and not feel this pit in my stomch or feel like I don't want to face the day. I want to get to the point where I can be by myself driving to and from work and not cry my eyes out.

So I ask all of you that are further in the process of healing, when does this get easier? I know the healing process is different for everyone, but I just want this to get easier. Am I "hurting" myself by visiting these boards and reading posts from people with similar experiences? I want to learn to love myself, and not depend on a man to make me happy. I'm afraid the only way I will feel "happy" again is if I focus my attention on another man, which has been what happens in the past. I get over one man when another one shows me attention. I want to feel better on MY OWN! Ugh.

Anyway thanks for reading, any insight or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Please feel free to email me them too if you would like.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 1:42pm
Boy, you have asked the million dollar question. WHEN does it get easier? I wish I had the answer in a neat little package to give to you.

You brought up a bunch of interesting points. I also know all of those things that you mentioned: keep busy, get involved in something/anything to take your mind off of it. But, the truth of the matter is, I think it takes all of those things plus just plain, old time. The hurt will go away, and lessen with time. I just recently ended my EMA, also, and I am asking those same things. I also know that when I lost my mom, that it takes time to get over any loss, and I don't think the loss of this type of relationship is any different. Hang in there.

I also wonder if visiting these boards is the right thing to do, because maybe I am just prolonging the recovery process. Maybe if I quit coming here, it would be easier to move on, because I know that I will never enter to into another EMA . . . too painful. Good luck on your recovery.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 1:52pm
Hello ladies, and welcome!

I think you are asking the right questions. The biggest favor you can do yourself is to not give in to the temptation to check in with the XOM when you are missing the relationship and feeling down. No Contact really helps in the recovery process. And yes, TIME. With the exception of a few relapses, it really DOES get easier every day.

I know what you are saying about the boards, but for me this place has been a life-saver. I have absolutely NO one to talk to about my A, so it helps so much to have other people to turn to who really understand. And there are some great people here, offering great insight. It's great to have this place to come to & vent instead of emailing the XMM when you've got that urge!! Yes, sometimes it reminds me of things that I'm trying to forget, but there is something wonderfully healing about offering some advice and feeling like your experience can help someone else... I do think that eventually I'll be ready to move on without this board, like most do, and that will be a great thing. But for now I am grateful for the support.

ETA: Could I say the word "great" one more time in this post?? Geez. ;-)


Edited 5/19/2004 4:12 pm ET ET by maybekatie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 9:40am
jesse~

I read your post yesterday and really wanted to respond but did not have the time. So I am here to tell you...that it DOES get easier...but exactly when? {sigh} that IS the million dollar question. I can only relate my experience in this process:

The devastation that you initially feel (and that I felt) will slowly dissipate with time. Yes, keeping busy DOES help...but it will always be in the corner of your mind. You almost have to RETRAIN your mind to stop thinking about him....but with the loss of anything, the mind tends to focus on that.

Something I read today, again in Melody Beatties "The language of letting go" said:

"Sometimes, when we are in the midst of pain and grief, we become shortsighted....sometimes we begin to believe that grief, or pain, is a permanent condition. The pain will stop. Once *felt* and *released*, our feelings will bring us to a better place than where we started.

FEELING our feelings, INSTEAD of denying or minimizing them, is how we heal from our past and move forward into a better future. Feeling our feelings is how we let go"

Makes sense to me...I like it.

As to coming to the boards and it helping or hurting...I *know* exactly what you mean and have questioned it too. I know this board has helped me through some of the darkest days..but only you can decide if it will help or not. Try to see what you can process on your own...if you can, great! If not, we are always here.

good luck! big hugs!!

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 9:51am
Hi dharma,

Thank you for your response, it was a big help. It helps to know that actually allowing myself to feel what I'm feeling instead of denying it is the only way I can get through this. To know that I'm not crazy for wanting to contact XMM is also a help. I typed him an email this morning that sits here waiting to be sent. But I know if I keep pro-active and just tell myself I can get through this work day without doing it, I will feel better. So yes in the way the boards help. I've really enjoyed coming here and talking with others.

I must say that after reading your 'story' yesterday, I feel like my problems are so minimal compared to others, and that's kind of help me put things in perspective. It's still not easy, but you know what I mean.

Thank you again for your input! :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 11:49am
I've been asking myself those same questions since my A ended and he wanted to just be friends. The hardest part for me has not been talking to him everyday and sharing things with him. I, too, felt like i had not only lost a lover, but also my close friend. I happened upon these boards and started reading posts and found that it helped me but also wondered if it was doing me any good since it brought up a lot of thoughts and feelings with my A. After crying all last week, I decided I wasn't going to cry over him anymore. Not only was it making me miserable, but it wasn't helping me get over him by continuing with it. I guess you can say i am trying to detach myself emotionally from this A (going into thinking like a guy mode). Thinking of the negative aspects of the relationship help because then i tell myself i deserve better than that. Plus, I realized that these boards do help when i feel weak, the posts help give me the courage to stand on my own two feet and try to move on with my life. I'm not saying it has been any easier (especially when i have to see him at work) but it has helped me a great deal. I can say i haven't cried over him this week and am just taking it as it comes. I'm still friends with him and we do talk on the phone, just not everyday like we used to. I know he needs some time with what is going on in his life and i need some me time too.

I'm trying to keep my mind occupied so i don't think of him, but he creeps into my thoughts more than i would like to say. That's when i come here to read the posts by others and help ease my mind. So just keep yourself busy and come here to get support in your weak moments. And like they say, time is the best thing for healing...although how long differs for each individual. Good luck to ya!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 1:23pm
After calling it quits to my six month affair, after a week of no contact the OM surprised me by showing up here at my office last Friday morning. He is single and had a woman interested in dating him so I felt it best to let him pursue that. That morning I came in a little later than normal so I really only had about 8 minutes before I needed to walk through the door although I could have come in late with no problems, however I guess I chose not to. As the day progressed I went about my business and come quitting time all of a sudden I got the wonderful idea of hey "I'll leave now, race over to his place and surprise him before the weekend - YEAH!!" So I hopped in my truck and drove the roads that lead to his place which also lead to my place if I were to eventually take a left instead of a right. I remember listening to the CD playing and noticing everybody's newly planted landscaping when all of a sudden I got to the intersection to make the turn and it was like a flash went off in my brain.... Take Your Silly Ass Home.... Why confuse the poor man by seemingly leading him on once again. Let him go!! I remember thinking how I have felt each time we got into the conversation of having to end the relationship, the discussions of doing what we know is best, the crying, the aching, the last hug and then the actual driving away only to look back and see him standing on his porch giving me a peace sign. I hated that vision, the way he would kind of stick his bottom lip out a bit to indicate that he was sad.

I decided I did not want to put him through that again - OK put me through it again. The only way I could stop it was to NOT go there.

I tapped my brakes and took a right turn toward my house.

Elf

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 1:40pm
Patches,

I guess I'm pretty much in the position that you're in. I did alot of crying last week. Some this week too but yesterday I said outloud to myself "No more crying!" So far it's worked. The boards are a blessing, because they help me succumb to the temptation of writing him. Although I admit sometimes I see people "slip" and I tell myself it would be OK for me to slip too. But I don't want to do that. I don't want to start healing all over again. I do wish he would have a change of heart and allow us to be friends again, because I miss him very much. But I can't force someone to want to be friends when they don't feel like it now, and I DO deserve better. We all do. We all deserve someone that will cherish us and appreciate us for who we are and what we have to offer. It's hard to remember that sometimes, so a gentle reminder is always nice. Thank you for sharing, it helps to know I'm not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 1:44pm
Congratulations on making such a wise choice! I commend you. Sounds like you're well on your way!

~Chris~<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 2:49pm
I was getting better, but I had what could possibly be a minor setback. (See post entitled "I "slipped" ... is it OK?) In a way I think it was a setback, NC would have been the ideal thing. But in another sense I really needed to say those things and I think I can finally move forward, with or without his contact, knowing there was nothing left unsaid, at least on my part.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 8:16pm
jessesmom-

Sorry to see you were in the same position i was last week on the crying...but at least we've both come to our senses and told ourselves enuf is enuf. Switching into the mode of guy thinking has helped me alot in dealing with this, especially when i have to see him at work and we are still friends. In a way, I wish it was a clean break without friendship, just because it is soooo hard to be just a friend and nothing more...after everything that has happened and everything that was said during the A. It still hurts, but ime not going to cry over him anymore. He made his choice and i will try my hardest to respect it.

Pages