WHEN does it get easier?
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| Wed, 05-19-2004 - 10:50am |
What I want to know is, when does this get easier? I feel like I'm beyond devastation right now, over losing my best friend in the world. It's only been a week, but it's been the longest week of my life. I know the solution to the way I'm feeling...do other things, keep busy and distracted, etc. But it still doesn't stop my heart from hurting, or stop me from missing him so terribly. In fact, I feel like I want to email him write now to ask him to think about not completely severing our friendship. But I know it won't do any good. He will do it on his own time, or not at all. It just hurts so much, I want to feel better. I want to wake up and not feel this pit in my stomch or feel like I don't want to face the day. I want to get to the point where I can be by myself driving to and from work and not cry my eyes out.
So I ask all of you that are further in the process of healing, when does this get easier? I know the healing process is different for everyone, but I just want this to get easier. Am I "hurting" myself by visiting these boards and reading posts from people with similar experiences? I want to learn to love myself, and not depend on a man to make me happy. I'm afraid the only way I will feel "happy" again is if I focus my attention on another man, which has been what happens in the past. I get over one man when another one shows me attention. I want to feel better on MY OWN! Ugh.
Anyway thanks for reading, any insight or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Please feel free to email me them too if you would like.

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Oh that's right, I forgot to address the issue of the two of you working together. That was the same with me and my XMM! You are a strong person to be able to deal with that and see him every day. It got too tough for me and I ended up leaving the company, and actually moving away (across country where the rest of my family is.) Do you think you will be able to continue to see him every day, and will you be able to get over him? Not that you have much of a choice, I'm sure. Jobs are tough to find and you might really like yours. I tell you, after this last experience I will never....EVER....date someone from work. I don't care if they are the hottest, sweetest guy in the world. It's just too darn hard when you have to see them, and break old habits and stuff. Good luck on your new outlook. It sounds like you are on your way to feeling better!
I admit I met someone new shortly after I ended my affair, but that alone would NOT have saved me from the affair. I had started weaning myself from my MM for about 6 months prior to ending it & that weaning process included dating AVAILABLE men regularly -- even working to find dates -- blind dates, talking to people, going places, even Internet match-ups. The only guy I really liked was a dad at my child's school!
BUT in the months prior to meeting my now boyfriend, I was working my butt off to change my life and work the MM out. I was too addicted to go cold-turkey NC but around Thanksgiving of 2002, I started:
volunteering more -- at my kids' schools, for planting trees in my neighborhood, participated in 2 Habitat houses,
getting busier at work (no time for lunches),
working out more -- made me feel better, met new people and not available for last-minute hookups (girl, I got SO buff),
left my cell phone off or in my car so no late night calls,
planned trips & activities with my kids more to reconnect with them after months of being starry-eyed "in love & probably not paying enough attention to them,
told my close friends about the affair so they could honestly counsel me to get out (and boy did they)
after I ended it, I started therapy for about 6 mos. to work out some issues about how I found myself in the affair and what I needed to change about myself -- what need was I filling with the affair and how could I fulfill that need in a healthier way.
THEN after all of this, it took 6 mos. to end it and another 6 mos. to REALLY get over it. By the following Thanksgiving - a year after I decided to get out, I was more involved in MY life -- healthier, happier family, etc. and finally affair free!
Then I was ready to work on my new relationship. Before that, we were just treading water because he was newly divorced and I was newly affair-free. Our relationship went through some rocks while we both worked on our individual stuff and now we are starting on some really great times of getting closer. I'm glad he had his own stuff to work out or we probably would not have stuck it out together because fresh out of a marriage OR an affair, you just aren't really ready for another person.
So you're right -- don't look to another guy to "rescue" you -- you have a lot of work to do on yourself first, before you'll really be ready for that. Get going!! Get therapy if you feel stuck. A good therapist is a gift from God. I'm not kidding.
last week when all the crying over him was going on, i'd made the decision to try and find a career in another city...just so i wouldn't have to see him at work anymore and watch him & his wife try to work out their problems. It was that or move across the country to where the rest of my family is. So, i submitted my app this week and am waiting to hear back from them still (it's a long hiring process which can take up to 3 months). But the fact that i made a decision to move on with MY life without him has made me that much stronger. I have not told him of my intentions yet and don't plan to until i get the job offer and accept it. As for seeing him every day until then, i have to admit we've been falling back into some old habits, but ime trying to detach myself from him emotionally (guy thinking mode), and just think of him as a friend and nothing more. As i said b4, a clean break might have been better for me, just cuz there is a lot of hurt and confusion about the ending of the A and how things are now.
The first week or so, i also did the thing where i would turn off the ringer on my phone and turn off my cell phone so if he did call, i would not answer. I have to say that helped me feel more in control of my life also. And ime still going to the gym and working out my frustrations there (it really does help plus u stay in shape!). Going to this board is helping me too :) .
I know this is going to be a long and difficult process (getting over him), but i hope that eventually i will. Thanx for your support, i send you the same...feel free to contact me via email.
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