When does the PAIN end??? Please help :-(
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| Wed, 03-30-2011 - 12:13pm |
I am almost 3 months out of the A and I really thought (based on what I read from others who have been out this long) that it gets "better". To me, it feels like it's getting worst. I am borderline falling into depression now. Still seeing a shrink on a weekly basis, even he's puzzled about how much I am still wrapped up in this A fog.
Don't get me wrong, I do not want xMM back!!!! But why can't I let him go and get my life back??? He treated me like s**t, he doesn't give a damn about me, etc. So, why do I still think about him EVERY DAMN DAY, the reminders everywhere I go, I even called him a few times in the past 3 months (dialed *67 first so he doesn't know it was me, but of course he knew) and what do you know he did text me from another # and all he said was "I knew it was you who called me and hanging up". But that's it. Not a single word since. I can't even call it fishing because in the past when he did fish, he would wanna see me and tell me all sorts of sweet lies just to get me all hooked again, etc. Not this time and it really feels different too, his behavior altogether and that text was more like just another bossing me around like I am some 5 yo. And not a word from him in 10 days now.
I still have his # blocked and also on Facebook. But the problem is really not him fishing, it's ME who is still just so hooked. WHY????
Then I get depressed because 2 people I met on this board years ago, whom I kept in touch with and share our experiences with, who have long ended their A's, they are moving on with their lives like NOTHING ever happened. A 3rd gal I used to keep in touch with, she even asked me never to e-mail her again (NICELY) because she said she couldn't even talk about A's anymore. It's like they just shoved this under the rug. I don't get it??? How do people just move on like that? I can barely make love to my H, I lost interest in so many things that I used to enjoy, and even xMM, when I bumped into him 2 weeks ago he seemed like this A never even happened for him. I see his W blabbing away on her Facebook page (she knows about the A) what a wonderful husband she has, on their anniversary she couldn't shut up about the "perfect" family they have, the love of her life, etc. I just wanna throw up! I know she is doing the best she can probably, so move past this, but still.

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The fact that you have tried to end this many times should tell you something.
I didn't say YOU were a newbie - I said the hurt and grief in your writing reminded me of a newbie.
I can also attest to divorce sometimes being the BEST answer for everyone. My kids aren't crushed, crying or depressed. They are actually happier and better adjusted because they aren't witness to their parents struggling to make a failing marriage work. Kids pick up on a lot more adult emotions than we realize. They know if you're unhappy - even if you're trying to put on a happy face in front of them. I truly believe they can tell when two people no longer love and care for one another.
Oh i do wish ivillage had a like button - well said
@Lolly
I understand where you are coming from, but also try to understand me, just because a D worked for you, doesn't mean it works for everyone. This is MY reasons for staying in it, sexless, or loveless, it doesn't matter. Believe me when I say, my H and I disguise our problems so well, that in the eyes of ALL our friends, they think we have the perfect M. Now, I'm not trying to say we are good actors, or we are fakes. Far from it. It's just that while some things struggle in our M, we are not that miserable with each other. I do like his company, just not on a passionate level.
To tell you the truth, I have seen many kids who grew up in broken homes, most ended up divorced themselves as adults. So, I do believe it does have a HUGE effect on the kids.
My grandparents were both M until death did them apart, and my parents have been together close to 50 years now. Whereas my uncle is D and both his kids ended up D in their M's. So, did many of my friends who come from broken homes, are up to their 2nd M's already.
"I love my xH very much - but not in a M way and for me i knew I could NEVER get back to the point where I would feel that way - and he felt the same."
I 100% agree with you on this as I feel the same way! However, it's not reason enough for me to walk.
I don't know the answers to many things, so please don't think I was trying to offend anyone here! Just because I said certain things that worked for many of you on these boards, doesn't mean it will work for me too. Sorry if I am not getting a D, just because you did, sorry if I am not running to take meds now, just because many here do. I do, however, am in therapy and maybe many here are not. So, I won't rush to judge them and say "You better get into IC, or else."
Yes, I have struggled thru the ups and downs of my A and have tried on so many levels to get thru. Maybe I am just a snail, I am way behind on the running front. Who knows?
You have to understand, if I don't feel safe and I don't want to take a medication, you can't force me to! Just because on occasion I am sad, doesn't mean it's a full blown depression. Heck, I even get down about work sometimes, and other things in life. It's LIFE!!! We all have sad days. Maybe I shouldn't even have mentioned the word depression because I feel now that's the focus here.
Everything nowadays have a disorder and I refuse to be one of those people who have a stash of meds for every little problem in their life. Sorry! 2 of my friends have taken anti-D meds and I have seen first hand what it did to them. One became so neurotic, I thought she was gonna have a nervous breakdown and when she tried to get off of it, it was like getting off drugs.
I don't know what I will do yet. It took me a while to even find a good therapist who didn't just judge me when I walked into his office, who didn't kick me around even more, when he sees that I'm already on the ground. And he's a great listener. Sometimes that is a huge help for me, is when someone just listens!!!!
Actually, I did seek support groups, most meet at 5pm and I can't make that because of work. I tried even love addicts group, the same thing. Believe me, I'm not trying to say nothing is working for me, trust me, if you saw all that I have gone thru to try to get help, answers, you'd be amazed. Even therapists, I had to find one that works after hours and not just 9-5. And eventually I did, after enormous search.
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Thank you for your response, but I have to stress here, that my H and I talked about a D, and no we will not go thru with it. That's just our life and no one can say otherwise.
Plus, how would one know what a child goes thru when the parents D? So far I have not seen one child being "OK" with their parents getting a D, in my circle of friends. One family, the kids don't talk to their father because they are mad at him for leaving them, the other family, which we just recently found out about, his kid is crying every day, so yes, chances are many children do suffer and you said it yourself that you are child of divorced parents. You don't see a coincidence here that you also are a D parent now yourself?
You would be surprised, how well people can hide their pain.
I just think it's unfair for so many of you to tell me to get a D, just because that was your answer to your situation!
I sometimes venture over and read the stories on the BS board and roll my eyes whe I see how many take back their serial cheater H's, but than again who am I to judge them. It's their choice, their life in what they wanna do!
No one is using their kids if they chose to stay in an M. It's their choice! Their business! We all have our reasons why we do or did the things we did in life, even as far as A's go. I also disagree that every single one of us who are on this board have low self-esteem, lack self love, is why we cheated. We all have our reasons and those reasons are endless.
People stay in M's for many reasons even if it's not peachy after something like this happens. No one can judge that!
LM3D,
You have been given great advice on "When does the pain end," and " Please help." Although we have gone off course with divorce discussions and whether to take meds or not, understand that the posters are just offering suggestions and what worked for them. They are not holding your feet over the fire forcing you to do the same. NO ONE is telling you to do this or that, or else
. We are not professionals here, and that is why I am glad you are in therapy. (We don't preach that here either.) We suggest that therapy may help when we see someone who is stuck in the muck and seems to like it there.
I don't know the answers to many things, so please don't think I was trying to offend anyone here! Just because I said certain things that worked for many of you on these boards, doesn't mean it will work for me too. Sorry if I am not getting a D, just because you did, sorry if I am not running to take meds now, just because many here do. I do, however, am in therapy and maybe many here are not. So, I won't rush to judge them and say "You better get into IC, or else."
wow - did you even read my post?
Lolly I LOVE your post at the start, about healing and the wound needing time and "scratch free" existence. That was a very powerful analogy for me.
Iggyxxx
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