When does the pain go away?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2009
When does the pain go away?
4
Wed, 02-17-2010 - 4:48pm

When does the pain go away? I know that he just ended it last Monday so I should have some "grieving" time but the pain is so deep.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 02-17-2010 - 5:24pm

J~

It's just too soon, honey. It will take time for the pain to ease up. You will have to go through several more weeks of it, I'm afraid, so I hope you are diligently reading here and visiting the Healing Library every chance you get. Also remember that ANGER is part of the grieving process too. You will be back and forth with many emotions for a while, so please try to be patient with yourself. I know this is very hard...but give NC a chance to do it's thing. In time you *will* start to feel better.

((Hugs))

~ Iddy~

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2009
Wed, 02-17-2010 - 9:47pm

i find myself asking the same question too, jap. in these early, brutal days sometimes the minutes are so unbearable that it is hard to catch one's breath. it is gonna take a leap of faith for us newbies--to stretch our hands out blindly and follow the advice of our veteran sisters who HAVE been there and HAVE done this. they survived and came out the other side---and we will too. you know why? because they said so, and they have been exactly where we are now. we are stronger than we think, and in rare moments of clarity i can see it.
i completely identify with your comment about being upset with your xap for using you and lying to you and then in the next breath missing him with all your heart. hang on to that anger for now, it will serve you. he lied to you, yes? mine lied to me, too. i laid myself open to him, body and soul, and he betrayed me. WHY should i miss that? what is there to grieve over? ultimately, he may be the one to grieve more, because he suffered the greater loss. i gave him my love, but i will give it no more.
when you start to get weepy and romantic, remember the lies, the deception, the way he used you, jap. recall some particularly insensitive things that he said or did that cut you to the quick. it HELPS ALOT to haul you up short and shut down the dreamy romantic movie that wants to play in your head.
stay the course, girl.
lillie

silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Wed, 02-17-2010 - 9:49pm

Hey, j-


I just wanna give you a huge hug...it's very painful...we all know that.


It sounds like you're feeling much like I did...how could he leave me? How could he do this to me? Why didn't he love me? How can he just go on about his life like I never existed? Why? Why? Why?


Been there, done that. My xap went nc without warning on me and I went through all the stages of grief-bounced back and forth between emotions and had emotions overlapping/on top of one another. It. was. NUTS.


I am close to 3 months since when he went nc and almost 2 months from when I broke nc once to ask him why he would do that. At the time, I got respectable answers (he felt guilty/he did miss me/didn't want to string me along), but it made me feel good for all of about 5 minutes. It just takes time.


I am feeling really good now and it's (partly/mostly) because of this: YOU DON'T KNOW how he's feeling. You don't know that he's not missing you and hurting as badly as you are. You don't know he has gone about his merry way leaving you in his dust. You just don't know...if you're anything like me, as long as you keep telling yourself he doesn't miss you/love you/etc, you will be in intense pain. It took a therapist to

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2009
Wed, 02-17-2010 - 10:47pm
Thankyou everyone for being there for me. This board does help. I have been reading the healing library and it helps to know that I am not alone in the way I feel, the way I was treated and the way I allowed myself to be treated but i still feel like I am going crazy. One minute I hate him with every bone in my body and the next minute I am falling apart. Because I am feeling these huge wave of emotions I don't think I can ever bring myself to speak to him again. The pain is just too deep for something that was not real.