When ending it hurts and staying hurts!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
When ending it hurts and staying hurts!!
3
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 11:28am
To anyone who can offer words of wisdom/experience....I have been with MM for 4 years now and so much has happened. I left my H after 14 years, and then MM moved out of state with his family. 2 years went by and we continued to see each other and kept long distance relationship going. After nearly two years of that long distance stuff, I relocated myself and my kids to his state and even took a job with him as my boss. WOW no doubt!! He made promises of us and even helped me find a place for us to live. Now 7 months later, he is STILL with his wife. He says he cant loose his kids, and if he gets divorced she will move kids back to the original state and he is heartbroken. He is a mess at the thought of loosing me and the thought of loosing his kids too. His wife is ready to leave and might possible do this by months end. I want to do whats right, but my heart keeps getting in the way. Its like we are so close and yet the pain and guilt are ever increasing. I am looking for advice...should I stick with it a little longer and see if she leaves, or should I just pack and run? Not that I think I can....but I truly need help. I guess I feel that if after all these years he cant just pick, then why be second choice. Counseling isnt helping me much and I am truly heartbroken over this whole thing. But be fair....I really do love this man! Thanks for any opinions.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 5:01pm
Oh, I can so relate to your story. Do I think he will leave or she will kick him out? Probaby not. Yes, I'm basing this on my experience and the experiences of others on the board. They don't have the strength to leave and they have no motivation while the affair is still going on. Please keep posting here. I need to be short right now because I'm at work - but I can write more tomorrow. My MM left once, moved in with me, moved back and said he'd be back with me in two weeks when he straightened things out with his family ... two weeks turned into two years and he is still there. Damn, are these men weak. I too left my marriage. I also love my MM. It's just a no win situation most of the time and nothing but pain. Take care of yourself first. Remember, if they really want a relationship that is based on honesty, they will find you.

Bird
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 5:35pm
Nobody ever wants to be told, "they never leave" but yes I realize statistically most never leave. But I have to hold true the fact that the stats are not 100% of them never do. I have found some inspiration on the board My affair Support which is from a MM who did leave and all of his feelings. Check it out, its very uplifting. Also my MM is reading these postings in hopes of finding himself some insight and help. He is even going to post himself and try to get some results. He wants this to work, just has all those inner guilts to deal with. I know, I once had them too. I think are just a bit stronger when it comes to this, so we are able to move a little faster. I have not let go, but I definately feel myself pulling away and gaining strength with everyday. I keep hoping that he leaves before I just give up. And I dont mean just walking away. I am very afriad of what the days of pain will do to me. Right now Im not strong at all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 3:10pm

I appreciate that you love this man.


HOWEVER:


He's a lying fencesitter, and you deserve a full time commitment from your partner, not just his convenience.


He won't "losse" his kids if he divorces. I didin't when I divorced my wife to move on with my life. And it was painful to end the fencesitting, however it came down to what was more painful: fencesitting and fear