When I start missing him....again
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| Tue, 10-19-2004 - 12:18pm |
I just thought I would share a few things that has helped me deal with my desperate fears and anxiety over the prospect of losing my MM and missing him terribly.
I think of him at home with his family, with his toddler daughter that I know now REALLY has his heart. (He used to call me Bella all the time, then he named his daughter Bella, don't hear THAT pet name anymore!). I imagine him joking and laughing with his wife. (He has always told me how well they get along.) I imagine him at home in is haven, enjoying his life and not giving me as much as a fleeting thought.
I try to think about all the people in my life who truly love and care about me and support me, then I think about MM. He is the one and only person in my life who kicks me when I'm down. When I truly need a friend, he always knows just the right words to say, they are usually sarcastic and mean spirited. If he were any other person in my life, I wouldn't waste my time. I'd have nothing to do with him.
Then, I think about MY family and how unfair I have been to them to not "be there" for them emotionally. They love me more than anything and life would not be complete for them if I were not in it. How fortunate I am to have such a loving family who shows me they care. Yet I have spent SO much of my energy trying to get those feelings from the OMM....it will never happen, I do know this.
I think about:
All the times I have brought only the finest wines and champaign, the few times HE has bothered to bring anything it's always been the cheap stuff. (Guess that's all I'm worth).
The cards and little gifts I've given him. (A painting for his bar, martini glasses, mexican art for his vacation home etc...) I've received nothing, nada, zippo from him. I honestly think he does not even remember where he got the things I've given him and he has never once remarked about the gifts once I gave them.
How I have remembered every single birthday of his since we've been together (6 yrs.) and how he has not once remembered mine. (side note: I decided to not say a word about his birthday a few month ago and he didn't speak to me for a week)
When I was having my menopausal melt down, my husbands reaction was to take me in his arms and say, "I worry about you babe, I love you and I hate to see you like this. I wish I could do something, I feel so helpless". The OMM's response, "Oh geez, just shoot me".
When my husband lost his job, we lost our house, I went from being a stay at home mom to going back to school and working, moving 3 times in 2 months (oh yes, and the early menopause thing). My friends all were so worried about me. The support was amazing, they would come over just to hug me (even my girlfriends husbands were worried about me).
The OMM's response? "Well you didn't lose EVERYTHING, It COULD be worse" (Gee, how comforting). BTW, this ALL happened over this past summer.
How fearful I have always been to express my frustrations with him because I know he will blow up and cut me off for weeks without a word, so I am forced to swallow frustration and let it fester inside....no talking about "issues" allowed.
How many times I have felt "ready" to end it but could not bare to hurt him. Yet, he has absolutely no regard for my feelings or hurting them. How many times I've heard "everyone gets angry now and then, get over it" (That's his way of saying he's sorry he hurt me).
How I KNOW he is controlling and I ALLOW him to be. I would never allow anyone else in my life to do that to me. I start to get angry...not at HIM but at MYSELF for allowing this person to have this kind of effect on me. The anger helps me make the resolve to end it.
When I really start to miss him I think of these things. Then I think HUH? Exactly WHY do I miss this man? I realize that the quality of my life would be amazingly better without him in it and I tell myself that this is it. I realize the days, weeks that go by with no call or email, instead of letting it eat me up I should view it as him doing me a favor. I tell myself that today is the day I make the break. Thinking these things gets me through the day....then I go to bed and when I wake up the next morning, I have to not miss him all over again.
Please take comfort in knowing that it DOES get easier. The initial heart ache almost killed me but I am emerging slowly from the mire of desperation and I am starting to feel my old self again. Anyway, I thought I would share the things I think about when I start to miss OMM. Oh and BTW, even though HE ended (in an angry rage) he acts like nothing happened at all. He emailed me and called me babe, emailed me again to say how much he misses me...what's up with that? I think he is starting to worry that I am not crawling to him begging for things to be the same. He senses my distance, the wall I have put up, the unanswered calls and emails. I think now HE is starting to worry....OH JOY!

Start NC NOW. Remove him from your email address book. Delete his cell phone number. Block his number from any other phones. Erase this human toxic hazzard from your life, ASAP. I guarantee that within 1 or 2 days, you will feel a tremendoue relief of stress. No, the pain won't be gone, it can take months to heal from the emotional destruction that affairs cause, but everytime you feel crummy, log on to these boards and READ READ READ. You can do this!
~True~
Your post here was very good. I can relate to much of what you have said about the control issue with your MM. Mine was a somewhat similar situation, an A which lasted for several years emotionally first then three years of the intimate part and I ended mine August 4th. My XMM also was very nonsupportive in times of crisis in my life and I have tried desperately to understand why I tolerated as much of his crap as I did.
My A is successfully ended I feel sure, but I do admit that occasionally I can miss him and your post here helps me remember the things I don't miss about him and brings me a dose of reality when I needed it.
You stay strong and know there are others of us out here like yourself.
It has been three months almost since I ended mine, and I feel better now than I have in years. Hang in there and don't respond to that manipulating jerk.
Go back and read your own post here over and over if you need to.
It's a good one. Thanks.
IP
Thank you so much for your supportive words. Validation goes a loooong way!
Loved your post! Sounds like you don't need much advice--you have what you need right there on paper (or on the screen I guess :-) and you wrote it yourself! All you have to do is:
1. Believe it
2. Live it
3. Don't contact him, and
4. Come here and ask for our support -- we are here to give it!
And it wouldn't hurt to read over the posts from the last couple weeks--great stuff here!
Peace and strength to you!!
Meg