When is it time to leave the boards?

Avatar for worthmore
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
When is it time to leave the boards?
10
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 7:11pm

I can't remember us having had a discussion on this topic in the several months that I've been here although I'm sure it's something that others have pondered. They probably just made up their minds and left, though.

While I've been posting here, I've mostly been in the support and be supported frame of mind. Often, particularly in the first three months, I could read about other people's struggles and see myself in them or see solutions for my own problems. As time has gone on, I find myself getting increasingly frustrated by the struggle (my own and others). I find myself asking why I'm using all my Vulcan mind tricks to keep myself on the straight and narrow, a process that takes varying amounts of energy (none on good days to lots in bad moments), when I read confessions of broken NC on a regular basis. Now, sometimes I understand how NC got broken and other times it reads as selfishness.

It shouldn't affect me one way or another but it does. And I'm wondering, since I don't want it to trip me up on my own healing journey, if it all just means it's time to leave. If I want to give people a good hard shake when they break NC for what I believe is a frivolous reason (you know, because I am the ruler of everyone's nc behaviour), am I the one who should be shown the door?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2011
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 8:41pm
No I don't believe you should be shown the door. But if reading other peoples struggles with NC makes things harder for you then taking a break might be refreshing for you. Your own healing journey should be your number 1 priority. You could stay in touch with the board buddy through PM. just to stay accountable.
Formerly heartacheafter7years
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 8:46pm
Hey Worth. No leaving the party early!!! As long as you are gaining and growing through posts, why leave? I feel you're allowed to feel frustrated over those NC issues. I too feel frustrated at some tales of broken NC, but I WAS there too, in my desire to contact ... so I try to remember those days. I have given up personal friends, goals, work projects, driving routes, gyms, etc, to avoid POSSIBLE contact. So yes, when I see an urge acted out on a whim I want to say TRY HARDER! But we're all on out own journey and doing our best.

So don't go ; )
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 8:49pm

I use to take an occasional hiatus...just to regroup, particularly when I find myself getting upset because I am absorbing everyone's pain.  And over the last couple of years, Iddy wouldn't let me for long...lol  Using my best Al Pacino voice..everytime I tried to get out, she pulled me back in :smileyhappy:

I think some have to pull back a little or even completely if it starts to impede their healing, if it dredges up stuff they'd rather just put behind them, or it feels bad coming here or they are just soooo through with it.  These are just my ideas of what might be going on...of course, everyone has their own reasons...could be just out there living and loving life and there's no extra time in their busy schedule.  

I've seen people leave and come back quite a bit later ready to pay it forward.  I guess they feel they have healed sufficiently so as to not dredge up old stuff.

Please don't leave....I'm beggin' ya.  Ehhh, no guilt trip coming, I promise.  A gal's gotta do what a gal's gotta do.

((hugs))

Clarity

((hugs))

Clarity

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 9:23pm
Do what you have to for your own healing. If you needing a break is what you need. Take it. If you need more, or less....whatever you need. Just staying accountable is a good thing..and when you come back...cuz you have to come back :smileyhappy:....we will be happy to see you and see how your doing and you can tell us how things are and still love on ya....and all that touchy feely stuff everyone loves around here.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2011
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 12:08am

It is hard sometimes seeing people make the same mistakes over and over but at the same time we all did when we were in our A's. I had a very wise vet tell me that we cannot get ourselves worked up everytime people don't do what we expect them to in regards to affairs. And she was right. We can't get ourselves caught up in our own emotions when people go back to their A's or slip up with NC. It is not helpful for them or for us. We are not responsible for taking on others mistakes and letting them affect us to the point where we can't be empathetic and compassionate in our responses. If I find myself being frustrated with someone who has posted something, I never post on my initial emotion but instead go away and come back later if I feel to reply.

People breaking NC has never affected me in a way that makes me want to break NC. I feel sad that they hand the power over to their A's, their emotions, their xap's etc and I suspect that is how most vets feel when they give the 'tough love'. Truth is painful, most reasons for breaking NC is an avoidance of dealing with emotions we don't want to face and deep down we all know that and I think when people feel hurt at the tough love, their anger is misdirected as the person they want to be angry with is themselves but that means letting go of all the excuses that keep them tied to the A, not to mention self protection sets in.

In responding to posts, I think holding people accountable for their actions is constructive but it needs to come from a balance of knowing people's failings are from a mindset that is made from life experience. Habits are not formed in a day and they are not forgotten in one day either. Empathy and the right motivation should be at the heart of any response to people on this board but even then our own experiences are going to guide our responses. For me sometimes the empathy is just as much for the betrayed spouse as the poster because I and others who have experienced a Dday, have seen the pain of our betrayal on the faces of the people we love and no 'tough love' on this board can make you feel as bad as the moment when your spouse finds out the truth about your actions. I tend to respond more to posts where people are struggling in their marriages or have had a Dday and are still having contact with their xap's because I value marriage in a way that I never have before and I want everybody to have a marriage that is open, intimate and amazing but some people are just not able to hear it at the time and that is okay. Sometimes the seeds can be planted and when they are ready the flowers will blossom.

So don't ever undermine your contribution because it is valued and you are a wonderful and encouraging poster Worthmore but we should all remember we are sharing this board with very vulnerable and hurting people and our responses should reflect that (and people should also remember vets have feelings as well and can be just as hurt by words as the newbies  - Luvin put it well when she reminded us that we shouldn't be angry at the people who want to help but rather at the person who is really hurting us. When we get our back up over what we perceive is tough love sometimes it helps to take a step back and ask ourselves if what the other person is saying is valid and are we perceiving it in the way it was meant).

(((HUGS)))

RTMO

 

The core of who you are is not always obvious to everyone. But to believe what others may believe of you can cause you to deny yourself, the wonders, of who you really are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 4:36am

Hi Worthmore

Hopefully you are hypothetically thinking about leaving.

What I really like about you posting is you always find a different angle to approach a given topic, or poster. I have learnt a lot from you, and I'm sure there are many others out there that appreciate the fact that you are indeed paying it forward.

I too find it really hard that people break NC left, right and centre. Now here is a little confession. When I first came to EAS - and ending the first time - I used to LOVE hearing about xAPs that got back in contact with other enders here. It gave me hope that my xAP would contact me and we could rekindle our A. Sometimes I truly believe people use EAS as a holding place until they re-engage in the A - how can I judge them? I was exactly the same.

But when my xAP fished (of course he did, because its exactly what I was waiting for) nothing about our A was better second time round, he didn't love me, care for me, respect me - he used me again and again just like before. So where did I go? I came back to EAS, and I absorbed everything.

Now - when I read about someone breaking NC - I feel sick, and like you - I want to shake that person senseless and tell them to stop being so selfish. I sometimes have to leave EAS a week, because I don't feel like I can gain anything from people behaving like they have no idea how selfish and destructive their behavior is. But then - I come back to life again when I read some who genuinely needs help, is genuinely struggling to get out, or to move one. I love seeing the newbies become tweeners, and supertweeners. It truly is heartwarming to know that its not just me that have "GOT" what its all about. Its amazing to see people who have turned their lives around because of what WE - including YOU - are offering them with reaching out your hand via replying to a post.

Don't leave Worthmore - We need you to shake things up, to tell it from another angle - take small breaks when its all getting mind numbing, come back fresh and ready to offer you own homemade advice.

lots of love going out to you

WGO

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
Avatar for worthmore
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 7:11am
Thanks, everyone. I read all of your replies so carefully. This might just be a new twist on my journey. Is it possible my ability to feel empathy is also a casualty of the affair? I don't mean to blame the xap for my shortcomings but my accepting of anything, roll with the (figurative) punches nature was certainly something that was appealing to him. In my effort to recover, I'm beginning to wonder what all I've shutdown about my inviting nature. How many layers does this stinkin' onion have?!?!?!

Okay. No drama. I'm going to post where I think I can help and I'm going to pause for reflection where people's stories make me wobbly.

But I have to say I love you all. I have gotten so much support from everyone. I've been challenged to consider my own journey, ask my own questions about what still needs to be addressed. If it were not for all of you, I would still be struggling to be friends with someone who never wanted to be my friend and wondering why we kept ending up in bed.

We are a lovely ship of the "vulnerable and hurting" and the strong and the insightful. I plan to keep learning from you all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 7:31am

 

This might just be a new twist on my journey. Is it possible my ability to feel empathy is also a casualty of the affair? I don't mean to blame the xap for my shortcomings but my accepting of anything, roll with the (figurative) punches nature was certainly something that was appealing to him. In my effort to recover, I'm beginning to wonder what all I've shutdown about my inviting nature. How many layers does this stinkin' onion have?!?!?!

Worthmore, its funny you should mention that, because I was thinking along the same lines today on my drive to work. During my A, I think I switched off parts of myself like empathy, sympathy and understanding. I found it hard to relate to other people and their problems. Maybe it had something to do with not wanting to cloud my head with anything but xAP. Or to actually *be* capable of having a A, you need to shut down parts of yourself that make it possible.

Today, I am finding it easier to make "room" for people, understand their point of view, and I find myself thinking about other peoples problems and situation with geniune concern for them as a person. I enjoy that my thoughts envolve real life people, real life situations, and real life "what am I going to have for dinner tonight" worries - I am starting to feel like a normal, functioning, feeling person again - not the shut down version, operating on ½ an engine to make it by.

Thanks for verbalising my thoughts :-)

love WGO

 

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 8:16am
Hmmmm.

Well I like RTMOs balanced perspective. Many have broken NC/LC and we are not here to judge but to support those struggling even if we don't understand their reasons. I'm pleased for those that are success stories and I hope those who have had challenges are not discouraged from posting.

Just my opinion.

Much love

Yellow xx

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~