when will the hurt stop?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
when will the hurt stop?
13
Tue, 08-14-2012 - 8:39am

With 13 years devoted to this man, I wonder how long it will hurt.  I've been able to go a few days without putting a message out there to him, but broke down last night.  No response is almost harder than a bad response.  Ugh.  Why do I continue to put myself out there in hopes that he'll reply?  It's stupid and just hurting myself more. 

I need to get back to that place of anger because it was easier than feeling my heart breaking.  He knew I loved him and it just didn't matter.  He knew I would do anything for him and he just didn't care.   I heard all the words he said but they're not sinking in. 

He is a liar and a manipulator and cruel and selfish and hurt me and I should be able to see all of that.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 08-14-2012 - 9:11am

Morning

I'm not sure if you are reading your responses, because I don't see that you have ever responded back to anyone who has taken the time to respond to you.

Please...stop chasing this man and accept that he has ended the relationship.  Only after accepting this can you begin to heal your hurt for it to lessen over time.

Please read the "Letting Go" thread in the Healing Library.  I happened to bump it up last night...it's perfect.

Please stop hurting yourself.  Come here and start participating...and start chasing the answers to 'why am I here'.

As painful as it is to hear, respect does not fit into the affair equation.  When we disrespect ourselves and our loved ones by engaging in an affair, that is what is mirrored back to us...disrespect.  

Clarity

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 08-14-2012 - 10:20am

Yup...our JAMS treated us with the same disrespect...and disregard, I might add...that they accorded their betrayed spouse and family...and they didn't deserve it.  We did in that we behaved very undeservingly.

The sooner we recognize that we invited this behavior towards us into our lives...the sooner we can correct the situation and invite only good/good things/good people into our lives.

((hugs))

Clarity 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Tue, 08-14-2012 - 11:05am

<<Why do I continue to put myself out there in hopes that he'll reply?>>

Simply put because you are getting something out of it. Try to figure out why you give him the power to make or break you with a reply. Why is it important to you? What does it mean to you if he replies? Then ask yourself if it is realistic to put that much weight into a reply from xAP? Is it going to help you move on or is it going to keep you stuck in the pit?

Thirteen years is a long time and it will not be easy to break the cycle but it can be done. You can do it one minute and one day at a time. It’s painful to start letting go and will take work daily to get into a better frame of mind.

Hugs,

E1

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 08-14-2012 - 11:28am

(((E1)))

So nice to see you.  

Those are good questions to ask ourselves.  Get right down to the real nitty gritty. ..oy yah.  Okay...who remembers THAT song!

And then, Dr. Phil might chime in and say, "How's that working for you?"  Another good answer to work through.

Hope all is well with you and yours.

Clarity


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Tue, 08-14-2012 - 11:42am

Hey Clar-bear,

Things are well in my slice of the American pie. Hope things are good on your end. I'm trying to read and catch up.

Also, I hope BH will be encouraged to keep posting. Everyone is not a holler-back poster. Maybe she is taking it all in and mulling it all over.

E1

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 08-14-2012 - 12:55pm
lol...no one wants to her holler-back...but dialoguing back to people who are dialoguing with you is nice.

Things are very good in my slice of the American pie as well :smileyhappy:

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 08-14-2012 - 3:24pm

So glad to hear from you! :smileyhappy:

I'm thrilled you are reading and taking it all in.  We DO have your back and your best interest at heart.

Taking it one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time...is all you can do some times.

You say you have a blessed life...we don't want you to lose it, and we know you don't want to either.

((hugs))

Clarity


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
Tue, 08-14-2012 - 4:02pm

Wow 13 years! Here I come from an affair just shy of 4 months and I feel like it is taking me a hell of alot longer to get out of this a hole then it did to get in.  But the truth is we all were contributing to the affair.  Although you might think he is not respecting you by not responding, in reality that may be the reverse. And most of all you need to respect yourself and not send him a message.  I know how extremely hard that is!!! Its easier said than done. My affair ended the beginning of May and I have not been able to go NC for more than 8 days! But I keep trying and hopefully someday it will get easier!  Its nice to know I am not the only one and it sucks to feel this way!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2012
Tue, 08-14-2012 - 8:30pm

Dodge, I think that is an excellent point!  I know, for me, I am definitely grieving a loss of the "dream" of mine and xAP's life together.  And it doesn't help that it was a mutual dream - he was right there believing it with me, as we looked at houses together, talked about what our wedding would be like, discussed how our divorces would play out, etc.  During our A, we left NO room for the possibility that we may not end up together.  At the beginning, sure, it was a "maybe", but it quickly turned into him telling me there was no more "maybes", that he couldn't bare to think of a life without us ending up together, and I felt the same.  And THAT is the part that I know is hardest for me to overcome.  Of course, I promised my H a life of forever, too.  Why did promises of a life together with a man who wasn't rightfully mine become more important than the promises of forever that I made to my H?  Why was I so wiling to throw those away?  That's also the part of all of this that I don't understand and hope to figure out with time on my side....