When you ended your A..
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| Tue, 06-01-2010 - 6:45pm |
... did you do it in person, over the phone, email?
I'm struggling with the "how" of ending my A. I guess my last message and your kind responses really confirm that there is no other choice. I know that I need to. He is from out of town and I'll see him next week for the first time in a few months and I'm wondering if I should use the opportunity to talk to him about it in person, or if I should end things via email - perhaps prior. Somehow it feels wrong to do something like that in email..and at the same time I'm dreading doing this in person because I don't know what the reaction will be or how I'll respond to it..but I'm leaning towards this. I'm so afraid of screwing this up.
I have a million scenarios going through my mind and haven't figured out yet how I'll address each if I were to do this in person. Like (hypothetically):
How will I handle him trying to convince me it's not what I should do?
What would I do if he loses it verbally? (I have a tendency to shut down.. when someone starts raising their voice and I really need a way not to do that)
Is it possible that he'd lose it and hurt me physically?
(To be clear this has never been an issue with him... but having had a father that did regularly.. it still creeps into my thought patterns on this topic and I've tended not to discount the possibility if someone was upset enough.)
Should I script what I'm going to say? How does one practice for something like this?
I avoid conflict like the plague... and it makes me feel sick to think about facing this and following through.
Part of me wants to find a way to just stop communicating - like responding to his email/texts and hope it will go away on its own. That's not fair to him at all..and is such a cop out.
help.

Hey,
I am a newbie here, so please take what I am saying with a grain of salt.....I just told my A partner on Sunday that I was done.....I did it having a couple of drinks in me and right after I saw him with his LIGF.....I wish I hadn't done it that way, would I do it face to face...no.....but I wish I had gone over in my head what I really wanted to say.... I would have wanted him to know how much he hurt me and how much I am hurting now......I would have wanted to write it out and email or text it to him.......
Just my thoughts.......with my heart broken and tears flowing......but knowing I deserve so much better!!
No matter how you say it, a simple, I cannot do this any longer, is enough. You are creating so much stress for yourself by trying to figure out how to end it and how you will react and how he will react. Really what is important here is you and your decision to end the affair and focus on your real life.
If you decide to see him, I can tell you from experience it is hard. But it can be done. And the best way is just do it and be done with it. If you agonize over it and try to analyze every word that might be said, you are giving in to the attention and addiction of the affair. BTDT ;-) My ending was a little of both, email and in person, but the email was more to the exact point of I'm done with this. I'm sensing you are so afraid you will break down if you do this in person. Endings aren't pretty and feelings are bound to be hurt. But the bigger picture is you and your family right now. If you meet him, there is always the possibility you won't get the words out, or if you do, he might try to convince you to stay. Honestly, seeing him would only continue the drama and pain, you don't need that right now. If you don't see him, then that alone sends a message to him. Do you have to see him? Are you more worried about him and his feelings than what you must do? If you decide to see him, then you will have to be steadfast and strong. You cannot allow him to weaken your resolve. Only you know if you can do that. Maybe an email would be best - a short one explaining you cannot continue this affair and do not contact you again.
+1 to BandK's reply.
Thank you for your responses. You're right.. it has been and is so stressful. I'm going to do this in the next week - one way or another. It's going to happen. It just has to. I'm so friggin scared and angry at myself.
I think I will copy and past what you wrote Panda as the email. I think I will see him as well and do my best to stand firm on this then follow up with the email.. delete contact/phone info and try to deal with my mess.
I do thank you guys for responding - I've never put words to all of the muddled thoughts and emotions I'm going through to try to put what I really need into action. I've felt so alone with this for a long time and it needs to change so I can figure out what my life should really look like.
Man.. I read what I just wrote and think that I sound pretty strong - but I sure don't feel it.
Soulann,
Send that email today. Don't wait. the stress it is causing you is going to wear down your resolve and break down your strength. It's a physical and mental thing! Get yourself all worked up and then, DO IT! Be prepared to do the block and walk right away. Know how to do it beforehand so that you're not left trying to figure it out when you're all flummoxed and rattled. I would suggest having a your game plan all laid out. Do you have a list of Do's and Don'ts?
When you feel weak, and you most likely will, what are you going to do to keep up the fight? Have you printed out inspirational postings from the Healing Library? Do you have a lifeline to call or email if you get the urge to IM or break NC with soon-to-be X?
All I know is that you cannot put this off and you canNOT half-ass it. Now, go get 'em! Let's hear back from you in a few hours about how it goes!
Riiiight??
Strength and Glory,
Dee