When you forget why "enough was enough"
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| Fri, 02-19-2010 - 8:39am |
Today is day 22 NC for me and up until this point, my lows have been tolerable. The past 2 days, however, they've been a bit overwhelming. In the first few days after I ended my A, I was so strong and resolved. I had reached my "enough is enough" moment. I knew I had to break free from the cycle of pain that the A created. I had just enough anger at him and at myself to push me this far. But now, over 3 weeks out, there's some separation between myself and the feelings I had when I reached the point of ending it. I miss him. I find myself rationalizing reasons to check in or say "hi." I've been obsessing a bit more- wondering how he is, what he's doing and if he's thinking of me. There's been no fishing because I made it clear that it had to end for good this time.
Any advice from those who have made it over this hump? I wrote myself a letter the day I ended it so I could go back and read exactly how I felt in the moment and at the end of the A, but even reading that doesn't seem to help. I am back to romanticizing this, even though I know how wrong it is. I am not going to break NC, but I hurt more today than I did in the days right after I ended it. This is a bit disheartening because I felt so strong and empowered the first 2.5 weeks. I guess it was foolish to think I'd get over it that easily. For those of you beyond the 22 day mark, what works for you in these moments?

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Jane,
I am 3.5 months out. At the three week mark, where you are, I think what got me through was reading and REreading the board. At this place in your journey, it's very possible that the fog is lifting and you may be confronting very difficult and painful truths about yourself and your A. In the light of day, those truths are really daunting - yet, they must be addressed (even if you're still all raw and tender from the ending.) Newbies, I think, tend to get overly confident -- or maybe that is not the right word... um, maybe it's that they think they've read and learned all that is available and might be thinking, "why isn't this working better, faster... since, I KNOW it all now?" and they get discouraged. I've posted this before: Read the posts over and over and over again because, as you move from one stage in your healing to the next, new information and insights will be revealed to you. As your filter de-fogs, if you will, you absorb the light in a whole new way.
Take it easy on yourself, too. The stages of recovery swing back and forth and it's perfectly normal to have flair ups of emotions that you'd thought you'd already conquered. I hope that you'll notice that the flair ups become less intense as time goes on.
Stay strong and take baby steps when the leaps and bounds are too difficult; it's all about moving _forward_ and staying on track, not how fast or perfectly you get there.
xoxoxoxox
Dee
This used to happen to me as well.
Comments and
2 words:
HEALING LIBRARY
read read and read some more!!!!
L
Jane -
I am nearly 5 months out, and still have the moments you are experiencing.
Thank you all for your responses. There are definitely lingering thoughts today and I am struggling a bit, but I know that I will HATE myself for breaking NC after 22 days.
Victory, thanks for this: "Yes, I miss him. Yes, (whatever) was a positive quality he had...okay, he's not so bad...but I have to stay the course. It is not because I hate him that I am doing this...it is because I love ME and I never want to hurt myself again by putting another person first. Unfortunately if I resume contact with him, I will somehow put him first. Stay the course."
Just reading that calms me down.
Gal, thanks for this: (2) I remind myself of all the reasons why I was miserable in my A. All the times I didn't feel like I was good enough for him, and all the times I felt like I was competing to fit into his life. When THOSE feelings creep in, it also jars me back to reality. (3) I think through what the consequences would be if I reached out to him - either he wouldn't respond (heartbreaking), he would respond with something like, don't call me (heartbreaking), or he would respond with "I miss you too, come back" - well, that might get me a quick high, but then what? Then I start down the A path again, erase the progress I made, accumulate more hurts along the way... and for what? To end up exactly where I started. No thank you.
Both of these paragraphs are going into my "strength" folder. And when the feelings start creeping in, I will read them. I didn't think it would be this hard, but that's just silly- we tried dozens of times to go NC in the past and always failed. This time WILL be different.
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Somewhere on here is a really great "Enough is enough" type thread that is really powerful and amazing. it is likely in the healing library. I could use a bit of it myself. if anyone knows how to find it or can bump it, let me know...its really good stuff. I will hunt it too and bump it if i can find it.
hang in there all,
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
I think it was about 2 months into my first go around with NC when the finality started hitting me. I started to feel overwhelmed and felt my stomach get into knots. I would start to rationalize and compromise in my head on how I could make this work. How was I to survive without him in my life? Somehow all the horrible feelings weren't so important anymore and I broke NC.
It was the worst possible thing I could've done. On this last (and final) go around at NC, I have learned to handle things a little differently. When I ask myself questions regarding xAP, my answer is always the same....it doesn't matter.
What if xAP does love me?...It doesn't matter, nothing has or will change.
Does xAP miss me and is hurting like me?...It doesn't matter, nothing has or will change.
What if I just talk to him one more time?...It doesn't matter, nothing has or will change.
Is he really happy with his wife?...It doesn't matter, nothing has or will change.
You have to remember that you are doing this for YOURSELF. All these feelings will calm down eventually, it won't happen over night, just take one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time.
Hi, jane (love your moniker, but the way! :o)
The first couple weeks after my xap went nc, I was feeling pretty resolved-upset and sad and a mess yes, but still resolved.
Wow. another great post! I'm only on day 2 NC, but this is not my first attempt. I am familiar with what happens after some time has passed. I would forget how bad it was, how bad i felt, i would think "what's the big deal if i text him?"
So i know for sure this is a danger for me. Thanks to all you vets who posted. :) Hang in there girl, you are doing awesome!
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