Where are these feelings coming from?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Where are these feelings coming from?
5
Mon, 01-03-2005 - 12:38pm
I have been fine with my situation for a few weeks now, knowing that it is over between us even though he pops in every once in a while. I will admit that I still had, or have hope that one day we will be together, though I know the chances are very very slim. The problem I'm having is that today, for some reason, I'm feeling very sad, even cried over it for the first time in a long time. I find myself looking out the window "incase" he might stop by today, and my cell rang earlier with a private number that I "knew" was him. I listened to the VM and was so disappointed to find it a wrong number. I haven't had any kind of contact with him in 6 days. It's been officially over for since Thanksgiving day. I though I was doing so well, especially through the holidays, but now I find this sadness coming back. And the weirdest thing is that I feel myself getting angry with him at times now. I have some thoughts that make me love him to death. He was never anything but WONDERFUL to me right up until the last day of our A. So what do I have to be mad about? I'm frustrated that this didn't happen the way we planned. I'm pissed that I know how he feels, yet he's to chicken s**t to make a move. And I know the longer that time passes between us the less likely he is to make that move, no matter how much he tells me his feelings haven't changed. He told me the last time we talked that he's still watching the stars, looking for a sign. It's New years now. Next time he stops by I'm prepared to tell him he can't stop anymore. Maybe that's why I'm in a funk. I don't know. I just thought I was getting better! Will this EVER go away?????????
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Mon, 01-03-2005 - 1:20pm

Hi Pal, and I'm sorry you're going through a rough spot. I thought I was doing well too, but this New Years weekend had me emotionally all over the place. From deep rooted anger and resentment, to a very intense sadness. I guess it's to be expected. I'm sitting at my desk at work today on the verge of tears, and I hold them back because I'm tired of crying over him.

There will be good days and there will be bad ones, hopefully the bad ones won't come as often as time goes by. In the meantime, I guess we'll all lean on each other here until we can stand on our own.

Hang in there,
Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 01-03-2005 - 3:08pm

Pal,

Wow, do I know how your feeling. xOM and I ended things 5 months ago. We kept in contact until the beginning of November. We didn't speak for almost a month, and then I broke NC and called him. We talked for over an hour. It was great conversation and I hung up thinking if we never spoke again, I would be ok.

But lately I have been thinking alot about him and missing him. When I have those feelings, I try to get mad at him to push them away, but it is only a brief escape.

Anyway, I wish I had more to offer you, but just know that you are not alone.

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 01-03-2005 - 8:12pm

Pal

A part of it maybe that life has now slowed down after the Christmas New years busy busy time, so you are left more aware of your emotions, you may also be coming to terms below the surface with the reality that it really is done and your grieving the lose as well as dealing with some withdrawl.

It's not simple but YES it will get better.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Mon, 01-03-2005 - 10:20pm

Thank you all, once again, for your support. This has really been a hard day for me. It got a little better when I went in to work this afternoon, but I still kept checking my phone all day, and everytime there was no call on it I called my phone bad names. I don't know why all of sudden I can't seem to deal with this again. I think Free was right about the holidays. I think that in my heart,I was hoping that after he got through the holidays with his kids that he would have a change of heart. I know I'm really reaching here. Hopefully this too, will pass!!! Thanks again. You guys are always here for me!!!

Pal

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Mon, 01-03-2005 - 11:51pm

Pal, it is as much a loss as it would be if someone close to us died. We grieve. And there are a lot of stages to go through.

A rule of thumb is: It will take at least half the time you were together before you are over the relationship. So if you were in an affair for four years, it will be about two years before you're over it.

And, then, like I keep saying (broken record), we are never really over it. You will always remember him. Hopefully, you will remember him warmly. He was a part of your life. He changed you. YOU changed HIM. And for the better, not just for the worst. It doesn't do us any good to dislike them -- or pretend we dislike them.

Just remember: Do you really want to be with a man who can't make a commitment to you? I don't care WHAT his reasons are. If he wanted to be with you, he would be.

But the pain WILL, for the most part, end. And then someday down the road, you'll here a song or see someone that reminds you of him -- and there will be this little pain.

It never completely goes away.

I had a 9-year affair in my first marriage (of 22.5 years). I divorced my husband -- and divorced my lover at the same time. Twelve years later XMM and I met. I was thrilled I had not married him! HOWEVER, we had 'our' song -- and to this day, when I hear it, I remember sitting at the piano playing it, my lover singing it, and my mother hoping to God we would get married because she liked my lover FAR more than she ever liked my husband. It's a warm memory that I wouldn't trade for anything. I smile, I laugh (remembering that I was stupid enough to tell my mother I was having an affair AND to take him over to her house to introduce him to her! I must have been out of MY MIND! LOL). And I wouldn't trade that memory for anything.

You will have much less pain in the future, but I hope you keep the good memories.