Where do I Go Now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
Where do I Go Now?
Fri, 05-16-2003 - 3:55pm
He WAS my best friend, and I know the truth can be brutally honest, and now I'm totally lost. I lost the only person in the world that understood me, and I am grieving very hard over this. I thought I could come here as a place where I could be understood, now I feel worse than ever.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-16-2003 - 4:15pm
Sweetie. . .

You ARE understood much more than it appears you feel. I'm not into kissing someones fanny just to make them feel good about themselves. . .that is just not being honest or fair by my way of thinking. Instead I feel "The truth shall set you free."

Reading your thoughts about working honestly (and lovingly) on your marriage felt good to me. Sounds like it feels good and right to you, also. Please do hang in there. . .one day at a time. . .and all WILL work out in a positive way for you.

Patience, Girl, patience! :)



Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-16-2003 - 6:05pm
Welcome to the board. I read your first post and the responses and found that one had been deleted so the powers at be here at Ivillage seem to think what was said to you was inappropriate. I hope that helped you to feel a little more secure by coming to this board because there are a lot of women who have been in your shoes and are much better now. So don't let anyone chase you off of here.

I can tell you from my own experiences that I also felt lost when I first came here. I am not married, so I know the situation with those who are can be even more difficult. But I do understand the emotional cloud you're in. This all sounds really fresh as far as the A being discovered so all I can suggest to you is to let yourself grieve the loss as much as you can and give it a few days. Come here as often as you can and post to us. I agree with the other poster who said you seem to have been obsessed with this person rather than in love because when you love someone, you don't disrespect them or try to put the fear of God in them in order to be with them. Now I am not judging you, but just calling it like I see it. Give yourself some time to put things into perspective. Just have a little peace in knowing that it will get better.

Also, as Mel posted to you, there is no such thing as a "bad woman." What you need to understand is that the behavior can be bad but that does not mean you are. When we get caught up in these affairs, we live in fantasy and when the fantasy comes crashing back to reality, it can play havoc on our hearts, minds, bodies and souls. So please take a deep breath and know that whatever you are experiencing is normal at this stage of the game.

You have to know that it is not right to be committed to one person and in love with someone else. That is your reality, regardless of whether or not this man was your best friend, your lover, or your confidante. It was all inappropriate because you are both married to other people. The ONLY way for a real relationship to happen is if you were both free to be together. You were not and so what you are going through now is nothing more than the backlash from making a bad choice.

One final comment ~ the MM was 150% right to attempt to have no contact with you. That is what you both need at this point. He could've done it in a much nicer way, but nevertheless, it is what you both need. Essentially, you need a good long time away from him so you can begin to let the fog clear and take a good long look at the truth.

I'm truly sorry you are hurting...I've been there so my heart goes out to you. I will keep you in my prayers.



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Sun, 05-18-2003 - 3:27am
Dear uffdanada

I was in a similar situation like yours. Please send me an e-mail and I will explain.

You are not alone and don't feel bad.

living again

Avatar for casey055
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 05-18-2003 - 11:56am
I agree with GT here. Most here have felt at a desperate state at one time but you do come out of it. You feel that there is no way out of this hurt but there is. Reading your post took me back to the emotional hurt and turmoil I went through but the pain will slowly go away. It takes time. I do agree that it seems that it has turned into an obsession with you. Think about what will happen if you do contact her. Do you think that will make it better?? It won't for NOONE. You will make things worse on your life as well. You are lashing out because of your pain. Others lash out in different ways. It is not his wife's fault honey. You are hurt. I feel for you right now.. I really do. I wanted to reach out and hug you after reading your other post. I can't even go back and read my posts at the beginning here. It hurts me to think back on that time. Maybe I should though. I have come a long way and so have several others here. I only post every once in awhile because I don't want to bury myself in this anymore. I have pulled myself out of this and you will too. Some of the regulars here can tell you I seemed to be a hopeless case at one time. I think that is the reason I come back every once in awhile. I feel I can offer some sort of hope for those who are where you are at and tell you that it will happen. It may be a slow process but it can be done. I also come back here because of missing the people who were there for me and checking on their progess too. I came across your post and it broke my heart reading it. You are feeling something that you think will never end and it will. I wish you would understand that. I understand why you dont though because most have felt that at one time of the other. It does happen though. You need to think about your actions and think about where it is going to get you. YOu are making things worse on yourself by making these empty threats. Think about this. Each time you think about calling him and forcing his hand on things...do you want a relationship with someone in this capacity. Try to get your emotions together and think of the reality of this. You are hurt. You are truly thinking through clouded vision. Try to clear your mind and think about what you are doing here. Think about the reality of this. If you truly try to think of this and the actions you have taken, I think you will see that you are just causing everyone including yourself more harm. You are hurt. Try to work through your hurt here instead of through them. I lashed out on this board more than anywhere else. People can attest to that. This board can help you. Take out your frustrations here instead of on the people in this cirle. Maybe that sounds wrong but at least you will not be causing more hurt in your life and the people around you. Work through your pain on this board instead of lashing out elsewhere. You are making it worse on yourself with your actions with him and her. This pain will go away in time. It will take alot longer if you continue what you are doing. Not trying to lecture you here. Just don't want you to dig a bigger hole for yourself. Bring your pain here and let others help you and try to begin your healing process. Come here when you feel that desperate state to lash out to him and to her. It wont be easy but you will eventually get through it. You are in a unhappy situation at home and you need to focus on what needs to be done to make that better too. Focus on what you need to do to give yourself a better life. I promise you that what you are doing now is not going to give yourself a better life. You are just adding more to your pain on whatever is going on at home. Seems easier said than done I know. For myself it has been done. That is why I feel I can say all this. I am trying to give you hope that it will get better. If you keep doing what you are doing it wont though. Pull yourself out of this and focus on getting the support that you need and try to begin a healing process for yourself. Keep coming here and take it out here...not on them. You can get through this in time.