Where do i start?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Where do i start?
3
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 2:08am
There is no way i can tell my story in one post, but i am so glad i found this place, this 'safe haven' to talk. Brief history: I am MW for 14 yrs, had ema for the last two years with MM (now SM), who at the beginning had been married for 11 years. His W left him for someone else about 9 months ago. This was/is my only ema ever. I definatly do not want another. I fell. God, i fell so hard. Everything fell apart 2 months ago....actually it started around 3 months ago. H and I separated, and all hell broke loose. H didn't like the idea of being alone and went nuts trying to show everyone how much he loved me (including MM). Well, this led to MM feeling like he was the reason of our breakup (in a way, i guess he was), which ultimately lead to his decision to move away from me. Out of sight, out of mind, right? I only wish that were true. Now i am back home, trying to work on my marriage...but I still have this emptiness inside of me, you know?

Its been a little over 2 months since i've seen mm. Since we've held each other. And I swear, everyday when i wake up i tell myself that i won't think of him today. I will concentrate on falling back in love with H. But no matter what i tell myself, what i do...i always end up thinking of us. Of how we used to be. About how good it felt to be loved by him. I wonder every day, when will this hurt ease? Our ending wasnt a bad one..it was just one that had to happen. He still calls. For the first month, he didn't call at all. When he finally did, it was just to make sure i was ok. He said he had to leave and not call because of everything that was happening. Said that if he were half the man he always thought he was, the man i feel in love with, then he had to let go of me so that i could save my marriage, my family. Said he didn't want to see me hurting anymore.....

After 2 months, i thought the pain would've lessened. I thought the memories would fade. I thought that just hearing his voice on the phone would no longer send me into respiratory arrest.

Rambling, i know. I hope to share the rest of my story with you. I just don't know how much to put in the first post. (don't want to wear out my welcome....)

Thanks for listening,

ineverknew (it would hurt this much)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 2:59am
Well I like the sound of your married man, now divorced man! It does sound like he loves you and wants you to be happy! I think he's given you a great gift. I think he's giving you strengh to move when you were just standing still. I think if you truly love him in return you'll honor the gift he's given you by weening yourself off of the addiciton of him. Yes, you say it's love. But, love is letting go... right? so let go.

I think it's good for your XMM to be on his own... he may still be dealing with the after shock of his own pain from the break-up of his marriage... you know, you two together..the blind leading the blind... a toxic mixture to be certain.

I know it's not cheerful but, you've got a lot of work in front of you... roll up your sleeves and get to work on yourself...figure out what's BEST for you in the long run and not just easiest.

I promise you self discovery is the best thing that will come out of this affair.

I think your just having a bad day too... just keep pushing on.. you really do know what to do.

Hugs, Katja

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 12:09pm
Welcome to the board!! I'm sure everyone agrees with me when I say share as much as you want. We have all been there, or are there!! Keep posting, it really does help. It is a big reason that I have managed to make it as far as I have in four months. I was a major wreck about four months ago!! Hang in there, and take good care of yourself!!!

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 2:25pm
I Never Knew:

My A has been over for 11 months and I still think about him every day...it's bearable but it's there. I hurt like crazy from mid-February, saw him in March when it really, really ended and I was depressed, crying constantly for 2 weeks, depression lasted for awhile. In July, I remember having a day that I realized I hadn't thought about him for a few hours. It took 6 months, at least, to get to the highly functioning stage of all of this.

My therapist has said that you can't control the process and I agree. We all want to wake up and the pain be gone and to go back to our old lives. But the reality is you'll never be able to go back to the person you were...you've experienced too many changes to be her again. And all of this is the universe telling you that you can't control everything. Only time will heal you and it does take time...lots of time. But you will feel better.

Your MM gave you a wonderful gift. But don't tell yourself you can't think about him. What happens when you tell yourself you can't have that piece of candy or piece of cake? You obsess about it more and end up eating the whole cake or whole bag of candy. I did not think there would be ANY WAY that I'd be able to reconnect w/my H and thought I'd hurt every day for the rest of my life. I am here to tell you that it does get better...but it takes longer than 2 months. But getting through to the other side is wonderful and you'll be a stronger, more confident woman for knowing that you've made it through something this hard.

Go get the Feb. issue of Oprah --it's on Love. And there's an article called 5 Extreme Breakups and it's incredible. You can find happiness again but you have to feel this pain and give yourself the time to heal.