Where Im at on the Road to Healing as it pertains to Xap...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Where Im at on the Road to Healing as it pertains to Xap...
7
Tue, 11-09-2010 - 6:59pm

I was recently reflecting on what part of my door was still open and why.

My personal bottom line was - that what I have left is anger. Of course, anger is a secondary emotion; so Ive dug and dug deeper - something in Lillie's post (epiphanies)

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010

Hi Michelle,

I call this the "after being strong" stage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010

Thanks Renewal.

As Im tearing up....It feels good to share and have my pain (anger) acknowledged.

Yes...a long road walked with someone who isnt here now. Not because they passed away - but because they CHOSE another way...

Its not even the taking it personal part; Im handling that with my renewed self esteem.

It's the hopes & dreams I had for a different road together - those have to die. I feel like a kid who was told the parent would be back for them - so they go about their life - going to school, playing with friends - but every so often they go back and check the window to see if they're coming to get them...and NOTHING.

Ok now im REALLY holding back the tears. Ahhhh OUCH!

A memory just hit me. Ugh. Ok pain!

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010

Wow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2010

Michelle-

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2010
Michelle...hugs to you hun. I am so sorry that you are feeling so much pain right now. I get what you mean when you said "Yes...a long road walked with someone who isnt here now. Not because they passed away - but because they CHOSE another way...". exAP chose to leave me and that hurts in a different way than my dad passing away and leaving us behind. It's never a nice feeling when someone chooses to leave. Have you talked to a T about the loss you've experienced? You went through quite a lot at a young age. I am sure through therapy you would be able to determine if your exAP was a result of not having dealt with all of your emotions from previous loss.

Anger is part of grieving, so go ahead and let yourself feel angry...just don't let it consume you.

Eckhart Tolle is great! Another book reference is one that I think Oprah also plugged....Louise Hay's "You Can Heal Your Life". I read it while I was in Cuba and it was so very useful and empowering.

Hugs again...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010

J9,

I havent you tubed him yet...but I am GOING TO. Thank you!! I like those practical tips that you can DO something with. :)

And yes...I also agree that the love I felt was definitely a feeling that I gave and possessed. I dont believe I was loved as I deserve to be - that I KNOW for sure. I instead believed that I had enough love for the both of us. I certainly felt, "needed" by him. It validated me that what I brought to the table was something

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Hi Michelle,

I am so sorry for the pain you experienced from such a young age. My heart goes out to you, I have not experienced the loss of parents and siblings as you have and too not have the support of family in your young years had to have been difficult. Michelle I hope in real life you have other good people to also be a support to you:)