Where I'm struggling today

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Where I'm struggling today
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 2:22pm

I'm 29 days NC; I did not respond in any way to an email (at work) from XAP asking if I had a sec and that he "wanted to ask something important of me".  I have not heard from him since then.  I don't believe that he will try anymore.

And, I 'm sad, mad, etc.  And I am coming here today because I am wondering if I was too harsh, too mean, by just blowing him off and not responding to his last email.  I know, I know - of course it was what had to be done.  But, if someone had treated me that way, I would be angry and feel really bad!

Having thoughts such as "maybe I should've just tried to be his friend."

I know, I know.  These are all unproductive thoughts, but still....they are here today.  Just wanted to reach out.......


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 2:32pm

Hi Sunrise,

Good for you!! 29 Days NC is awesome!!! I want to make that number!!!!  I dont know your story. When did he contact you? Obviously it wasnt that important or he would have contacted you again right?  We all NC is the way to go, afterall what could he  have said? Perhaps nothing and it would have made you start over again.

I too would probally feel the same way. I would analyze, over think it, wonder what if. How does he feel about me now...what if I hurt him, his feelings...blah...blah...blah...but what does it matter. What matters is YOU and your family!  And so I say NC is the way to go. 

I once emailed my XAP the day after my H confronted him to ask if he was okay. He never responded. I was hurt...and I was sad...but I did get over it. And he will too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 3:09pm
Hi sunrise, I am glad you came here instead of going any further with unproductive thoughts. Some days we just hit the bottom of the wheel of fortune and start wondering if we have done the right thing. I am telling you that yes, you have. As many have said, you can't control how xAP might feel, that is his job, but if you are worried about having been harsh, consider the message behind your maintaining NC - you are done with the A and he can stop wondering. That in itself, is a kind thing to do. Knowing the truth, however upsetting, is just better than not knowing or thinking maybe there a is chance to go on. You will be a better friend, by not trying to be one! I wrestled with this long and hard, after a 12 yr A in which we were great friends above all else. I ended and had many hard days wondering if I had been too mean, but now I am pretty sure he is feeling as relieved and freed as I am from the A. Unfortunately, that is another price of an A, that it wrecks a lot of friendships.

Feel better soon -

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 3:29pm

I know...I know it's hard.  And I know you are not going to do any foolish.  Unproductive thoughts...yes, but sometimes they just show up unannounced.

Funny how it is suddenly hard to blow off an xaffair partner, yet it was so easy to blow off our families at one time.  It'll never make sense. Actually, though, even as I type this, I'm thinking probably because our conscience was encased with us in the fog...BUT, now that we are out of the fog, it's baaaack :smileyhappy:  And probably wayyyy more in keeping with who we are.  Good and considerate people...and so it bothers us now.

But neither is it the time, nor is JAM the one, we can allow our regained sense of conscienciousness to shine through and upon.  Remember, one more time can get us in deep trouble.

I'm sure if you think back, there were times that it appeared that he didn't overly concern himself about having blown you off. So what if his feelings get hurt...he'll get over it.

And I have to say, as an oldertimer, when I first heard the expression 'blow him off'...I was Shocked

Hopefully, he won't try anymore either.  A man can take just so much rejection..and then he just gives up.


Clarity...trying out new fonts for size.  What do you think?  Green is suppose to be soothing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 4:50pm

Thank you friends!  Clarity, I especially thank you for fun fonts!  I appreciate the bigger fonts and I could use some soothing today!  Is blue soothing?:smileywink:

And, I very much appreciate your words.  Your words regarding thinking of times when XAP was less than kind to me and blew me off talked to me.  There were PLENTY of times when he would shut off his phone or not show up to work out as planned because he was mad that I didn't play the night before or wouldn't do what he wanted.  There was a day when I didn't think he even came to work (we used to work together) because he was mad at me for something that occurred the evening before.  His office door was shut all day, his phone was shut off all day and I didn't see his truck in the parking lot.  Come to find out, he had been there the whole day and had parked his truck in another lot.  He stayed behind closed doors all day!  I was devastated wondering where he was all day and if he was alright, etc.  OMG!  What was wrong with me?!  I bought into it all.  Such admirable behavior for a 50 year old engineer/attorney in a large corporation, don't you think??

So, thank you for that reminder!

Daisy, I also appreciated your comment about this actually being a "friend" thing to do in that now he can move on and no longer wonder if/when he can see/be with me again.  Game over. 

I am leaving tomorrow for my annual girlfriend's weekend.  Yeah!  So I will be able to view posts, but it will be difficult to reply.  But keep talking to me friends!  Feeling a little weak, but always feel better when I receive your replies and encourgement!


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 4:54pm

OK, this might seem a bit twisted, but when my xAP fishes - he does often, and in very emotionally appealing ways that make me feel mean/guilty/evil/regretful for not responding, I tell myself that the relationship is DEAD... and in a death, you don't talk to that person any more in real life, nor see them. Grieve it and accept you will never be able to talk or see this person again. If you do think it's possible, you're a bit nuts, or seeing a ghost. Well, ghosts are scary and I don't want them around. And I honor the death by not responding. NOTHING is that important. He no longer needs you, is not allowed to want you, nor has any right to benefit from your communication. RIP Mr. Unworthy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 1:55pm
Sunrise, I was the queen of wanting to be his friend. We were friends for 10 years before the A. Really good friends. I probably ah ve more in common with him than anyone I know.

It's his birthday today. And I am ignoring it, like I did last year (I slipped and responded to a "friends" fishing attempt for 3 months shortly after that).

You just can't be friends. it doesn't work. Trust me, I tried and tried to make it work. It just ends up with you hurting again angel.

And he doesn't deserve your friendship. He has been the kin go f the fishers even though you have TOLD him it hurts you.

He hurts you, knowingly, and yet you worry about hurting him.

Don't. Look after yourself sweetheart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2001
Sat, 09-15-2012 - 7:43pm

Hi Sunrise,

I can relate to your post, ignoring someone is cruel. Xap would ignore me during the A, he knew it, he felt bad and I felt worse. And then I would get angry and depressed. But this is different. Xap hasn't tried to contact me and I would be lying if I told you I would ignore him, I don't know yet because it hasn't happened, but I can tell you that I told him not to call anymore and he hasn't. That was cruel too but then again he was playing games with my emotions. The week prior to my email he called while on vacation to say how beautiful it was and I think he was missing me. I didn't take the call but I did text back. When he didn't respond for another week or so, (ignoring me) it didn't seem to upset him at all. But I was hurting and I thought, what the hell am I doing to myself? So I stopped communication. And I don't see it as mean, I see it as we have been over for more than a year, we cannot be friends because my emotions get in the way, so no contact was the only other option. Again, I can't say that I don't miss him as a lover and that includes the friendship, I don't think they can be separated. Are you being mean? Or are you protecting your heart from more anguish and pain? Sure, I would love to comfort him, be there, talk to him but what I am really saying is I want him back in my life. And I want him out of my life a little more than I want him back and so far that's enough.



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sat, 09-15-2012 - 10:50pm
This is a time when we have to make ourselves realize that we matter more than anyone else. For our healing, peace and growth, we need to be stern in our resolve to not sway from that. It's not being mean, it protecting yourself. And only yourself can get you thru this. I have learned that I need to teach people how to treat me, and that can be exhausting, but much better than being hurt by those who are unworthy of my time.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida