Where is my pride?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Where is my pride?
14
Sun, 10-17-2004 - 6:21pm
I'd love input. My XMM has been the one to really enforce and request NC. I am M too for background. XMM and I have had a 3 plus yr relationship. He loves me but has always maintained that he loves W too and would never leave. I have been the one semi frequently saying we should be together. He left for overseas duty in Feb and that was end of physical relationship. Stayed in phone contact until he came back in May. Friendship portion of relationship stayed pretty constant (call, coffee, lunch). In August, he laid down the NC law. You should know that his W has been aware of our relationship for over a year. Obviously that contributed to the end of physical part. Here's my (common) dilemma: I truly believe he and I belong together, and that time and distance won't change that. That said, why am I STILL being the one to write a quick note, call every three weeks or so to check in. Why can't I stop????? I know I would advise a friend to wake up and smell the coffee. He has said he can't have contact with me because it upsets his W too much and he can't hurt her more than he has. Bear in mind that she forbade our seeing each other ever again when she found out last November. but he told her that I was important to him, and he would remain a friend to me. Words of wisdom please. Thanks! I learn so much here.

Pam

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 10-17-2004 - 7:48pm
Pam

When they say we will always be friends it means it was nice knowing GOOD BY.

Sorry but I think he just plain wants you gone but you not taking the hint.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Sun, 10-17-2004 - 7:55pm
Hi Mefree:

Ouch, but thanks.

Pam

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Sun, 10-17-2004 - 9:16pm
Go buy the book "He's Just Not That Into You."
Sanguine
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sun, 10-17-2004 - 9:41pm
Hiya Pamama,

More questions rather than any answers, but it might just help to look at things from a slightly different perspective...

<<>>

If you're worried mere time & distance might be enough to kill or dent the love you believe he has for you, then is it really the kind of love that means you belong together? Or is that more a hope or dream of your very own?

<<>>

Let's look at it another way, what are you trying to accomplish by sending those quick notes and making those phone calls every three weeks or so? If it's love, then he doesn't need reminding that you're there or that you love him, does he? What is it you are checking upon that he wouldn't feel the need to tell you about if there were any major developments or changes to his plan to rebuild with his wife?

<<>>

What do you perceive would happen if you DID stop, Pamama? What do you picture as the worst and the best case scenario if you DID cease all contact altogether?

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Sun, 10-17-2004 - 11:17pm
I asked for input and I got it. Would have really appreciated a bit of "I've been there too," or "Here was my situation." I'm having a sense of people judging, spitting my words back at me, and perhaps having another agenda for being on this board. Not really interested in response to this-just saying my piece.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 10-17-2004 - 11:38pm
Pam

I don't think I said anything judgemental of you.

Bottom line is I have heard this story about 50 times and it almost always ends the same way, the guy is to chicken to come right out and say were done good bye, I am sorry but more then likely it is true in your case as well.

This is an endings board just tying to help accept it.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Sun, 10-17-2004 - 11:55pm
I know this is an ending board. And you sound a bit frustrated that you've "Heard the same story 50 times and it almost always ends the same way." You may well be right. we all accept things with different kinds of support. I'm just not a big fan of shame and harshness. I'm sure you'll blast me for that one. Just trying to help someone accept that not everyone ends things identically or reacts to anger. Just my opinion.

I'll be availing myself of the "Ignore" option now.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 12:07am
Hiya Pam,

I'm an exOW whose EMA lasted 3.5yrs and produced my now 23mos old daughter. My EMA ended in January 04, I had one major backslide in May 04 and have maintained strict No Contact since that time. I'm in the happy process of rebuilding my marriage with my husband from whom I separated in order to have my EMA. DH and I are also happily raising my daughter together as a family although DD will most certainly be raised with an age-appropriate knowledge that she has another biological father and a younger half-sister.

In addition to the above, I've been involved with a cheating husband and was also raised in a family where one of the primary carers (my father) was a serial adulterer who included me in his dalliances by making me his usual alibi ("just taking Posie to the mall/skating rink/stables, etc").

I've really no idea what kind of agenda you imagine I have, but the above was my situation. You can see that I have, indeed, been there and even worn the maternity t-shirt. LOL

You're more than welcome to do a search on either "Posie" or "Posiepops" here, on MAS board, and even on the All Sides board if you really want to know all the gory details of my own story, but that's pretty much the Reader's Digest Condensed Version.

As far as "spitting words back at ," I quoted portions of your post and asked you some questions which related to the quoted text. I guess I had some notion it might help you to focus on what is important to you whether or not you wished to share it with us here on a public message board.

If a few questions are enough to put your back up this far, then by all means feel free to fire some back at me, Pam.

Support comes in all kinds of forms, Pam. Think of me as the friend who'll tell you straight out that your butt DOES look big in that outfit. The huggie-kissy there-there posts (which not incidentally I genuinely *DO* believe serve a very good purpose) will be sure to follow in the next day or so since weekends are generally fairly slow.

Welcome to the board, Pam!

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 12:20am
hi there Pamama--

Please continue to use the board! I can tell you are hurting; no matter who ends the A, the ending is painful to both. Sometimes I think it would be easier on me if my XMM had been emotionally cruel or rude in some way--it would be easier for me to walk away and maintain NC.

All our situations are the same on the surface (the deceptions and the rose colored glasses we use to view our AP), but the paths we used to get there and the road we took to finally reach the end were all a bit different. No one but you can decide how to deal with your pain, but this board really will be a help to you. I hope you will continue to visit :-)

And keep in mind that Posie is a person who NEVER sugar-coats anything. Her advice and her questions, while they can seem "harsh," usually accomplish what I think she is intending, which is to get people to think about their problems from all angles, including viewpoints that they had not yet considered. I don't always agree with her opinions, but I respect her candor.

Hang in there -- the pain can get better with time

and with a strong will to maintain NC :-)

Meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 12:23am
Pam

I am willing to bet that your not going to be able to stop yourself from see what you can't see by ignoring.

Frustrated with women getting hurt, you bet angry at them not a bit.

You seemed to have injected a great deal into what I said, I can only assume that shame and anger you spoke of is bubbling up from inside of you as there was nothing at all in my post to cause either of these things.

Same with the harshness there was not on harsh word in that post, but your reaction to it was both harsh and hostile again there can be only one place it can be comeing from and that is your heart.

Your opinion is welcome.

Your right not everyone ands thing the same way but then your not the one that ended it he did and I think your really hurt and angry aan your simply shooting the messanger.

Be well

Free

PS when did I blast you ??

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