Where is my pride?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Where is my pride?
14
Sun, 10-17-2004 - 6:21pm
I'd love input. My XMM has been the one to really enforce and request NC. I am M too for background. XMM and I have had a 3 plus yr relationship. He loves me but has always maintained that he loves W too and would never leave. I have been the one semi frequently saying we should be together. He left for overseas duty in Feb and that was end of physical relationship. Stayed in phone contact until he came back in May. Friendship portion of relationship stayed pretty constant (call, coffee, lunch). In August, he laid down the NC law. You should know that his W has been aware of our relationship for over a year. Obviously that contributed to the end of physical part. Here's my (common) dilemma: I truly believe he and I belong together, and that time and distance won't change that. That said, why am I STILL being the one to write a quick note, call every three weeks or so to check in. Why can't I stop????? I know I would advise a friend to wake up and smell the coffee. He has said he can't have contact with me because it upsets his W too much and he can't hurt her more than he has. Bear in mind that she forbade our seeing each other ever again when she found out last November. but he told her that I was important to him, and he would remain a friend to me. Words of wisdom please. Thanks! I learn so much here.

Pam

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 5:29am
Hi Pam,

short background: My affair ended 1 1/2 years ago and lasted about the same time. He ended it (plus the relationship to his then-steady long-term partner) to "find himself again". Now, a year later, he is married to another woman, as I am married to another man for a year now.

To this point, I can not easily forget him and miss him much in my life, maybe because:

My story (it's a has been now) is similar to yours in the respect that I, like you, was FULLY convinced that the affair and I belonged together, that time/distance would never change that and that he would think the same if he just gave us the chance to try in earnest...

Well, Pam, he never did. And, what's more, he never ever really wanted to. I've no doubt he loved me sincerely and truly -- he just could never envision everyday-life with ME. (I'm thinking maybe this is harder to take than someone returning to his lawful wife?)

It was ME he rejected, not the commitment itself. And STILL, I kept on thinking: "He is wrong, he MUST feel Like I do, he MUST realise we are 2 sides of 1 coin... etc., p.p."

When he got married (something he said he'd never do and I did not get to know through him), I had to stop this endless, useless circle of thought and face reality: If I were really right, if we did indeed belong together - how could he leave me, how could he marry another? How could he not fight against his fears and conquer them for the 2 of us? How could he not see what I saw?

The answers for me carried a simple logic: Maybe I was right about my own love for him, but I was wrong in feeling he MUST think like I do. He did not want to give us the chance for a full relationship. He went away, he left me (it's not really so important what/who for). He started a new life with a new woman.

If we had been meant for each other, he would not have done all that. He did not feel our relationship/me important enough to hang on to it/me (He never brought up friendship, as we both knew, we'd never be able to be "just friends". The reasons for this are not important, but I see now that he was acting very fair to not try and rescue dried-out scraps from our wonderful meals...).

So, whatever I thought was of no consequence. He'd chosen, and, if I loved him, I have to respect his choice, wishes, opinions i.e., respect him. Like you, I kept on writing for a while. He never answered (luckily). No harm done - but I spent precious energy and time on a lost cause.

Pam, I still now want to write to him, I could never talk with anyone as I talked with him. But I DON'T (of course, I can only speak for now. Maybe in a year I'll cave in... have to take it day to day still, even after all this time).

I've come to understand he's moved on - as I need to. Slowly, but surely. I will not hand you anything like "His wife comes first, marriage vows count more, stop sinning, etc."

I just would like to make you see he has made a decision and maybe, if you love him, you should make it not harder for him to stick to it. And maybe, come to a good decision for yourself, your own life.

Your affair and you might have worked out together - but you will never know. Acceptance of that is so hard, I know - but you will profit from it.

I don't feel not being able to let go is so much a question of pride (in my opinion we don't need pride, we need respect for ourselves) as the question of fear of "What will I find myself in/out, when I let go of this? We all need to face it, if we want to move on.

A bit like posiepops said. I know some of the things said here sound harsh and hard, but if you look at the background and stories of the harder comments, you'll see just as much (if not more) heartbreak and pain in them like in your own story. These "harsh ones" often have come a long way, and sometimes they maybe lose patience with the "slower ones" and forget to write in an "I feel" or cushion the hard facts they throw us. It's understandable from their stories. But they are HERE for us, some of them concern themselves deeply with our problems and battles, and they always mean well.

Some of us need more hugs at a time, some need hard facts to get us through and to heal. And all here try their best, in their own way, to help. No one wants to hurt anyone else. I myself have come to value both: The hugs and the facts.

Wishing you good decisions for yourself and a lot of strength,

M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 8:44am
Hi Pam,

My situation is completely different to yours so I don't think I can offer you any relavent practical advice(i'm not really that good at it anyway :) however it's clear that you are feeling hurt and finding the whole stuation difficult to get over.

Your MM has asked for NC. Accept his decision. Whether he feels that distance could be a problem/ he loves his wife etc is the reason for his decision, it's what he wants.

Let him have his NC. He'll respect you a whole lot more and far more importantly you'll respect yourself for not clinging on to something which in most cases, ends at some point anyway.

I believe that , yes , sometimes people have A and do end up together and live happily-ever-after. But surely for that to happen both individuals in the A have to WANT that to happen? From my POV it seems like he doesn't.

You've been literally sharing this man with his W. Come on, surely you know that you deserve more than part possession of a man?

In your post you didn't mention your H. Is there no possibilty of a happy future with him. ARe you planning on leaving him?

Everyone deserves happiness. If his is to be found with his wife then let him do his thing and concentrate on yourself.

It's hard to let go when you love someone but we're all here for you including free and posiepops. Dont give up on this board. Theres always someone here to offer advice, sympathy whatever you're looking for.

Keep us posted.

m x

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 11:24am
Hi Pam,

I was in my A for about 4 months. ExMM left me almost 2 months ago and asked for NC. I only broke it once, and I saw that he called my apartment the other day but didn't leave a message.

I thought I loved this man, and I almost went through with a divorce to be with him. Luckily, he broke it off before I was stupid enough to do it. He never would've left his W and kid for me, and though I knew that in my heart of hearts, I chose to ignore my better judgement.

It hurt like hell not to call him, esp. right after it happened. And I still miss him. I wonder how he's doing every day, and whether he misses me too.

But now that there's some time and space b/w us, there's no way in hell I'd take him back, even if he wanted that. Because it would never ever work. The guilt and pain would destroy any chance at happiness we might have together. And frankly, the idea of shacking up w/a guy whose entire family knows I was the OW, including his W, makes me shudder. I would be a pariah. And his D would hate me when she was old enough to know what happened.

And when my parents finally figured it out...oh my.

Nice life, huh? Stupid me, I thought we loved each other enough that it wouldn't matter. Well, there's a reason A's rarely work themselves out as "normal" relationships. People get hurt for the two A partners to be together.

If he's asked for NC, respect it. Think of your pride. Its okay to miss him, but do you really want to keep giving him that ego trip? You will gain so much self-respect by not having contact...believe me...that's one thing that keeps me from picking up the phone or emailing.

People here are very supportive, you just have to get used to their tone sometimes. We've all been there. Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 12:52pm
Dear WITWoods:

I really can relate to what you said that your exMM would not try to make it work with the two of you. That is exactly where I am with my exMM. He has 100 reasons why he is afraid to live life with me--he says he doesn't know me at all, or my kids, or whether we will be good for his kids, whether I will leave him later when he is older (and he would lose all his money for nothing) --if my life is chaotic or calm--etc. etc.

I gave up my marriage for him and didn't obsess about any of those issues--BUT HE IS NOT ME--HE CAN'T SEE IT LIKE ME. In his last drunk call he said I may love you until the cows come home but I will not expose my boys to your life.

He is still holding on because he thinks that some way this will magically work out But I see that he IS THE PROBLEM and he WON'T DO ANYTHING FOR US TO BE TOGETHER. Fact. So like you said, I guess we don't belong together.

IT HAS BEEN MY FEAR since the divorce of what in the world do I have left if I let go of him? But finally the fear is fading somewhat because after a year since our breakup--I really don't have him anyway--so ANYTHING is better than holding onto all of the pain and loss that I have been feeling.

Survive

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