Where's the MPV

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Where's the MPV
9
Mon, 02-08-2010 - 5:59pm

I have been lurking here the past 2 weeks since I broke NC. Out of respect for the board, I haven't posted, but thought that some of what happened over the past 2 weeks might be helpful to others. Ignore if you prefer...

(In outline form)

1. I went 7 days NC, but had a previously arranged meeting with my AP/MW. I was having mixed feelings about meeting her, but stupidly (iddy, apparently I am both deaf and dumb) allowed myself to be coaxed into going.
2. Even thought I met her, I was determined for this to be the last time. I rehearsed all that I had to say and even packed up a few of her things to return to her. I threw away EVERYTHING that she ever gave me and deleted all of the old emails.
3. Upon meeting, I explained all of the reason why the A wasn't working, why I needed it to end and how it will be better for us if we let it go. Since I am in IC, I was very committed to these things. I want so much to live an honest life and know that an A is not a part of that.
4. The first part of our discussion went exactly as planned. I was clear; I was committed; I was determined; I was ready.

Then I made a mistake; such a simple mistake. I share this here, because, as I struggle to end this A, I hope that this will help other that are struggling as well,

5. I asked, "What do you want?"

And with that, I let her stick her foot in the door and left open the possibility of the A continuing. I allowed her to replay all of the words that we used that held us in this A for the past few years. Never, ever ask, "what do you want?". It's not about what AP wants, it's about what WE want. I suck.

Now, I know that it seems obvious, but it's hard to put that into action. This is a KEY aspect of my IC...getting to the root of my wants. I'll be frank here, if any of us wanted our APs, for better or worse (we who are M committed that at one point..didn't we?), then we should have been bold enough and committed enough to do that and not be the alternative, hidden in the shadows. Why do we allow ourselves to be the alternative and to accept so little?

I know everyone will think that I still need the ego-boost and all of the "good stuff" that one gets from an A; Maybe that's true, but I am dealing with that in my IC and the truth is, I feel like crap even after breaking NC ( things didn't just magically get rosy). We haven't been physical in a few months and quite honestly, even the other contact isn't so great. We do have the need to work with each other now and then, which sucks, but I guess that's the price we pay.

In any event, as much as I thought I was ready for this to end, I clearly wasn't. I feel closer to that now than I did six month ago; three months ago, heck, even one month ago; but I was clearly not ready. I am trying hard to be ready. I don't want this in my life anymore.

What's the lesson? I'll let you all debate that if you choose. For me, it's three things...

1. Ending an A is hard and you have to be ready..with the fortitude and strength to carry through.
2. It's not about what AP wants, but we have to be able to steadfastly commit to our wants and trust that they are right.
3. It sucks to have to do this dance..yet again.

With that, I will go back to lurking and will stay there until I am ready to fully commit to NC...I'm trying.

MPV




Edited 2/8/2010 8:56 pm ET by malepov
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2009
Mon, 02-08-2010 - 6:10pm

MPV...glad you came back to share :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2009
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 4:34am

Hi MPV,

Thank you so much for posting this. It's such a struggle, the ending it once and for all, and it was very good what you wrote.
It's about WE want, not what the AP wants.
Thank you, and please keep posting here

Htgo

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2009
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 9:00am

Hi MPV-


Funny you came back here when you did...just yesterday I was going to start a thread saying, "Where's malepov??" I was curious as to what happened on your Wednesday visit with your exAP, I knew you were going, then when I didn't

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 1:05pm

Yo, MPV -
What, exactly, are you getting out of maintaining contact?

Thanks,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 12:29am

Hey LFT,

Thanks for the comment. You weren't rambling...I am married for 17 yrs (as of this month) and have 1 boy. I could probably say that I married too young, my DW went through some struggles and that we lost the sparks in our relationship. Even if I believe those things and rationalize them as what lead me to my A, I know that they are just that; rationalizations.

I agree with the comment you made, and the deeulta and I agreed upon recently...An A can end for no other reason than that it is wrong. I know that and I believe that...I need to figure out how to full embody that.

MPV

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 12:30am

S'up Dee...

That, my friend, is the right question. I am trying, hard, to figure that out.

Keep up the fight...you are kicking butt and taking names.

MPV

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Thu, 02-11-2010 - 7:16am
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Thu, 02-11-2010 - 11:59am

Hi AIW,

Thanks for the comment and questions...all good.

<>

Someone said here before, to be careful and remember that I am not your XAP. I am just an individual, like you, that has been involved in an affair and is trying to figure out how to end it...I am struggling with that. As an example, I do emote...too much probably. When I look at my M and my A, I would actually say that I am not in the traditional male role. That's not to say I'm a doormat, but I am never the one that holds the "power" in the relationship (see my story about asking my AP, "what do you want").

Actually, that might not be accurate. It's more accurate to say that I am not the one that brings honesty into the relationship...If I knew how to have an honest relationship, I would never have had an A (this relates to another comment you made). Even then, that's not entirely accurate; I KNOW how to have an honest relationship, I have, for some reason, CHOSEN not to have one. It can be scary to have an honest relationship, but it isn't hard. As I understand it, it boils down to this. DON'T LIE!. Pretty simple really (E1, Iddy and Clarity might even back me up on that I think...even if I am in the EAS doghouse for breaking NC). So, perhaps we all (those of us that have had A's) have that one thing in common...we all, at some point, chose not to have an honest relationship.

So, when I say, "I am trying to figure out how to have an honest relationship", what I am really saying is, "I am working up the courage to be an honest person". Seems simple, but we know it's not. It starts in the same place for all of us; Don't Lie.

<>

See above.

<>

No, but when we (I) think this way, I know it is a rationalization that ties back to the above comment. I didn't have an affair because my DW isn't who I want her be...she's just who she is. I didn't have an A because my DW,

didn't pay enough attention,
didn't appreciate me,
didn't have enough sex with me

or because our M,

lacked passion
had become routine
suffered RL problems like money, work issues and challenges with the kid

I had an A, because I am not able to have an honest relationship. Everything else is a rationalization.

<>

See above.

for the kids?

See above.

<>

I believe that even if our family doesn't "know" about our A, our A's get in the way of having a full relationship with them. If we have an A and we chose not to be honest, we are teaching them that they aren't worthy of our full attention, all of our love and that honesty doesn't matter. Despite our efforts to hide, they know we are not fully present. Staying for the kids is a rationalization for not being honest...aren't there children of divorce whose parents are role models and who grow up with healthy, loving relationships with each parent (even if the parents re-marry)?

<>

We all deserve to live honestly.

Here's an example...

Friends of mine had been married for 15 years or so. They had all the "problems" all of our marriages have (kids, money, stress...RL). They both worked hard, had their own interests, but were partners in their marriage. At work, the wife was getting close to a man at the office. You know the drill, they'd work on projects, laugh, have lunch...they were friends. One day she realized that they were becoming more than friends...that she was feeling attracted to him, fantasized about him and was thinking of being with him. It scared her...was she really ready to give up her marriage for this man and move it into a PA? At this juncture many of us (ahem, ALL of us on EAS) answered "Yes" and we went ahead. She did something different...she told her husband. She was scared, he was hurt, but they dealt with it and have a lovely marriage today. When I asked her about this, she told me simply, "I needed to be honest with my myself about my feelings". For her, being honest with herself also means being honest with the people around her...he H included.

I share that story, because it is the kind of relationship that I aspire to...it's the person I want to be.

When you read it let me be clear, I don't have this figured out and I ask for no sympathy.

I am in IC
I am trying to end my A
I am trying to be honest with my DW...even if we end up in divorce (she knows about my A)
I am trying to be honest with myself.

In the words of Yoda (and Iddy, I am sure), "Do or Do Not, there is no Try".

I'm working on the Do Not.

MPV




Edited 2/11/2010 1:02 pm ET by malepov
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2010
Thu, 02-11-2010 - 12:57pm

Great post...I have great faith that you will find a way to end things!!
<< We all deserve to live honestly>>

You said it and you can do it. I am 8 wks NC and that was what did it for me - wanting to be HONEST, at last, with the man who has been committed and honest to our marriage for 30 yrs. Keep going MPV!!