Where's the PASSION???

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Where's the PASSION???
16
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 12:27pm

seriously, i've thought long and hard on my situation -- and i keep coming back to this one question: What's so wrong with wanting passion in my life??

here's the story. i'm engaged to a wonderful man who is attracted to me, but my attraction to him is fading. i've always suspected that we were a mismatch. we don't like the same music, art, books (this is, by the way, how i make my living), and generally, we have our socializing/fun separately. we get along fine. he's more than generous in the bedroom. we care for each other deeply and our families could not be happier. i can honestly say that he's my best friend, would make a great father, and will take care of me forever.

sounds perfect, right? well, i've never felt more caged or helpless in my life.

there's no passion. there's stability, care, and love -- all necessary for a happy life, but i need more.

am i selfish? am i a brat? am i thinking too much? i KNOW that the flame fades. i KNOW that passion settles into a quiet, stable, caring, loving, life if you're lucky. but i'm so starved for excitement (just a little!! please!!) that i'm growing more and more unhappy.

i've read UNTOLD self help books that say "transfer your fantasies for a passionate life into your current relationship." i've tried the cutesy romantic things -- notes in his coat pocket and surprise dinners and new lingerie and sex toys. (note: one of his brothers lives with us and puts a serious cramp in my style, if you get my drift. i've been requesting that he move out for about the last 6 months. he's still with us. grrr.). we've even decided to have a threesome, which, i think is just avoiding the Real issue -- my lack of sexual attraction to him.

we're about to get married. i can't stop thinking of him as a caregiver instead of a lover. i can't find the thing in him that sparked me so many years ago. how he still feels it, i'll never know.

and recently, i almost had a full blown affair with someone. i knew the OM and i were not meant to be, but the passion was off the charts. i'm talking Lust! something i haven't felt in so long. i know i'm capable of it ... so why is everyone telling me to "give up on passion" ????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 12:54pm

"so why is everyone telling me to "give up on passion" ????"


No one is telling you to give up passion...Why would you? What people will tell you is that you should not get married because you have no passion and that you are cheating even before you the marriage. That should be a red flag for you. You can't stay faithful to your fiance let alone a husband.


If you get married with the idea that he is "a caregiver...there's stability, care, and love...but i need more." Then yes you are being selfish, immature and bratty. The least you could do is respect your fiance enough to tell him that you do not feel the same way he does. You should tell him the truth so that you could go out and pursue anyone you want. As long as you are honest with your fiance and tell him so he could do the same, then why should you give up passion?


The bottom line is you have to be honest with him or else you are all the negatives you describe in your post.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 2:07pm

thanks, callistus.

you're right. and i knew that already. i guess my delimma is either: How do i justify ending a totally reliable relationship most people would kill for (and i'm in my late-30s, never married, no kids, so this is no easy decision), or, How do i learn to feel passion for my fiance again.

i've told him how i feel -- that i'm unhappy and scared to get married and worried about the things we don't have in common and missing the spark we once had. he vowed to work on it with me. thing is, i've had this conversation in many forms with him over the years, and we've been on the same intensity level for a long time now.

i don't want to leave my fiance. and still, my fantasies for the ex-OM are out of control. i have no idea how to change myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 2:09pm

sogirli writes >>>

You are in your late thirties like I am. I understand what you mean by that. But girl, you are already thinking of others and you've not even gotten married yet and you sound very excited about others in your post. If this isn't a reason to not marry someone right now...I don't know what is.

Please don't hurt this man by thinking that marrying him right now is gonna make him happy later. If he has not been married before...you are not doing him any favors by marrying him despite your unreadiness for the committment (truly this is blaring out of your post to me at least). If he has been married before, he is being unrealistic even though he is experienced. Perhaps he doesnt need passion from you? Doesn't he feel its not passionate?
good luck in your decision (if there is going to be one),
Lizzie




Edited 1/25/2005 2:17 pm ET ET by lizzie1965
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 2:21pm

i don't. but i have no idea how to let go of a man who's great ... on paper. a part of me also falls prey to the old "i'm in my late 30s, and what better time to settle down and have kids before it's too late" fears.

in other words, i don't know how to get out of this relationship without coming off as the bad guy. i don't -feel- like a bad person (recent behavior aside), but i feel guilty for Really wanting something that i know requires an act of pure selfishness for me to get.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 2:24pm

think about this ...

are you willing to spend forever knowing you have comfort and stability? is that enough? passion ebbs in every relationship. starting with none seems wrong to me. i think the fact that you are even asking these questions suggests that you already know the answer.

Debbi

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 2:56pm
It will be totally unfair to your SO to marry him the way you feel about him at this point in time. I would be willing to make a bet that you would soon be posting on the A Support Board and that certainly will not make him happy. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks; only what you and the SO decide. Give him a chance to be part of the decision to end your relationship. Explain it to him exactly the way you did in your message and once he thinks it over he will probably agree. Eventually he will even think you. Best of luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 2:57pm

<>

hi debbie,
well, this is my delimma in a nutshell ... is it enough? is it enough to marry a great friend?

i honestly don't know. many have done it, and have been happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 3:53pm
It sounds like my marriage. I used to have such deep feelings for my husband and the passion, etc is gone. He is a caregiver too. I feel very safe financially with him. I am in my late thirties with no kids too, so I understand your feelings of how hard it is to be this age and make such a drastic decision. I think for me that the unknown scares me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 3:56pm
the difference is that you had it once. she doesn't have it from the very beginning. think about how low you are now without passion and imagine how far down she's going to be in a few years. she will end up marrying him in order to not disappoint her friends and family. it's a mistake.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 4:10pm

thanks for that.
do you mind if i ask you a few questions? sorry to get so personal...

do you have any hope of bringing passion back, or do you feel like once it's gone, it's gone?

and knowing what you know now, would you still have gotten married?

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