Where's the PASSION???

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Where's the PASSION???
16
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 12:27pm

seriously, i've thought long and hard on my situation -- and i keep coming back to this one question: What's so wrong with wanting passion in my life??

here's the story. i'm engaged to a wonderful man who is attracted to me, but my attraction to him is fading. i've always suspected that we were a mismatch. we don't like the same music, art, books (this is, by the way, how i make my living), and generally, we have our socializing/fun separately. we get along fine. he's more than generous in the bedroom. we care for each other deeply and our families could not be happier. i can honestly say that he's my best friend, would make a great father, and will take care of me forever.

sounds perfect, right? well, i've never felt more caged or helpless in my life.

there's no passion. there's stability, care, and love -- all necessary for a happy life, but i need more.

am i selfish? am i a brat? am i thinking too much? i KNOW that the flame fades. i KNOW that passion settles into a quiet, stable, caring, loving, life if you're lucky. but i'm so starved for excitement (just a little!! please!!) that i'm growing more and more unhappy.

i've read UNTOLD self help books that say "transfer your fantasies for a passionate life into your current relationship." i've tried the cutesy romantic things -- notes in his coat pocket and surprise dinners and new lingerie and sex toys. (note: one of his brothers lives with us and puts a serious cramp in my style, if you get my drift. i've been requesting that he move out for about the last 6 months. he's still with us. grrr.). we've even decided to have a threesome, which, i think is just avoiding the Real issue -- my lack of sexual attraction to him.

we're about to get married. i can't stop thinking of him as a caregiver instead of a lover. i can't find the thing in him that sparked me so many years ago. how he still feels it, i'll never know.

and recently, i almost had a full blown affair with someone. i knew the OM and i were not meant to be, but the passion was off the charts. i'm talking Lust! something i haven't felt in so long. i know i'm capable of it ... so why is everyone telling me to "give up on passion" ????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 4:18pm
I really want to get the passion back, but personally, I think when it is gone, it is gone. Now I am al confused over OM who is also my high school sweetheart. I don't want to leave for him because I know that is wrong. I am hoping that I am able to recapture the feelings that I once had. For me, getting married was not a mistake. We were together for 14 years and it was time to move on one way or the other. For me, I truly don't regret getting married. What if you postponed getting married for a bit? Do you think that will help at all?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 5:23pm

Instead of thinking about what your family and friends would think of you now if you DONT marry him...think of the contrary....think about how disappointing and embarrassing it would be for YOU or to your friends and family if you get divorced in a 1 year after going through the motions of a wedding, giving up the house, putting your family through all the motions etc. etc. Or instead of a divorce on its own... getting caught if you have an affair or end up having a child as well and then having this great guy divorce you and make sure you don't have your kid (this could happen ya know) and go through a nasty litigation etc.

I know someone who cancelled their wedding one month before. Lost all the deposits...returned the gifts etc. In the BIG picture of things...yeah..people will comment for a little bit. Ultimately she made herself happy and the exgroom is grateful he didn't get married to someone who couldn't be honest with him (not the same as your situation but close). Some actually respected her MORE for not going through the motions because it took some strength and character to do so. (Funny how you learn about people when you get their take on the same situation as another). She certainly found out who her smart and caring friends and family members were instead of those who just considered "how it was going to look".

She is happy now, learned from it...grew up ALOT. People eventually forget and forgive. Real friends and true healthy families (in my opinion) ...just want people to be HAPPY and use their free will for good healthy endeavors. (Unless of course you are from a very traditional mediterranian or middle eastern family into the whole betrothal or "suck it up"kinda thingy...but times have slowly weaned that to a small group here in America hopefully that is not your case that you are getting such tremendous family pressure and feel like you'd have to leave your family in order to live out your true passions in life )

She is focused on her newfound confidence to be "real" to herself and others. She is just fine, dating a guy she really likes. She has decided that time (being in our late 30's)cannot dictate what happens now because its going to charge on regardless. She reminds us that we are not yet 70 yrs old. She reminds me that sometimes tv and media etc. has put pressures on us that we need to slough off as far as aging goes. She makes me feel good to have made choices for the right reasons...and that life can turn on a dime for the better sometimes if i keep the possibilities open. If i do things right...I can enjoy my life if i let myself without guilt or suspect feelings.
Ask yourself this question: what advice would you be giving if this was YOUR daughter or best friend? Sometimes we forget we think better for others than for ourselves.
(often the case here on the board including myself LOLOLOL)
Hope this helps, wishing you much wisdom,
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 5:27pm
oh and i wanted to add Sogirlie...that just because you dont get married now...doesnt mean you can't still try to work on things with him to see if its really something to end altogether or to continue on and get married at a later date(to give it one more breath of life incase you are afraid you arent quite sure at THIS time if you want to break up completely or fight to find passion in him.
If you are questioning now..you are not sure..and that is not (REPEAT) not a time to be entering marriage.
Postponments happen ya know. Nothing should be embarrassing if its NECESSARY...some would say ..down right SMART to do.
Lizzie
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 7:50pm

SG

I would like to briefly point out to you that there is a huge difference between passion and LUST, your kidding yourself if you think it is going to last very long with anyone once the novalty of the affair wares off I think your going to find that the lust has waned as well PDQ.

YOU SPOKE OF FEELING CAGED, Is it cold feet getting married later in life can be a big adjustment from living together BTDT it is a totaly different mindset.

Kick the Brothers A$$ out the door.

Who says you have to get married now or end your relationship with F keep on doing what your doing tell your ready to marry or end the relationship BUT DO NOT CHEAT trust me it is not worth it in the end.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 8:09pm

Sogirli-

There are so many changes which take place in the very beginning of a marriage. Things will not be the same as when you were dating/engaged. Passion and lust fade! You have to continually work to keep the fire ignited. Some days, you just don't want to. Then...he may have his days when he just doesn't want to (I am speaking in terms of giving 100% effort). Passion...ebbs and flows. The adrenaline rush of new "love" will fade (trust me). All the odds are against you if you go through with the marriage. Marriage is hard enough with the everyday pressures much less beginning a marriage when the passion is already gone.

SS

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 10:17pm

sunshine, free, lizzie, et.al.

thank you all so much. i feel like i've known the ugly truth about what to do; it's just a matter of having the guts (and the justification) to do it. even when i spill my guts to my fiance, he says the same thing, though it's hard for him: that if i want out, do it soon before cancelling the wedding gets to be a huge mess for everyone. i have a lot to think about ... is there hope? if not right now, later? can we just be friends? it's all so overwhelming right now. i'll stay in touch...

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